My husband and I found out we were pregnant on January 21, 1998. We were so excited. I have to admit that I was also pretty nervous, too. What do we know about raising a child? I began wondering if we would be good parents. Yet, I knew that I wanted to be a mother with a child to love.
We began getting ready for our little bundle of joy. Buying a baby crib, mattress, clothes, etc. All of our families wanted to know what the sex would be, so the day the doctor told us our baby was a girl, we were ecstatic. I wanted a little girl to dress up in bows and cute little dresses.
Everything seemed to be going well with the pregnancy. There was only one problem, our child seemed to inherit her parent's stubbornness. She did not want to get into the head down position. We went in on the 37th week, Sept. 2, 1998, and the doctor decided to scheduled c-section for Sept. 11, 1998. So we called the parents to let them know that there would be a set date that the little one would be here.
Well, once again our child decided to be stubborn. On the early morning of Sept. 4, 1998, I went into labor early in the morning. We decided to stay home for a bit because I wasn't having regular contractions. Since the contractions where irregular, I decided to pick up the house first, since the relatives would be showing up and staying at the house while we were in the hospital. My husband, Jamie, even made a bit of a joke about it. He took a picture of me barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen doing dishes.
Then the contractions picked up and became regular. We called the hospital to let them know we were coming in, and they said that was fine as our doctor was already there doing another c-section. On the way to the hospital, we started calling our parents and other family members to let them know that the baby was on the way!!! We needed to let them know as they all live at least 3 1/2 hours away.
Even though she was ready to come out, the baby was still in a breech position, so I still needed to have a c-section. Before we knew it, at 11:57 a.m.. we had out little angel. Only, surprise, surprise, we had a little baby boy instead of the little girl that we were expecting. I remember thinking to myself, oh my God, what are we going to do for clothes? Almost everything we had was for little girls, not little boys. I was also a little bit disappointed, but still my new baby was here! The baby has spent all of his time with me for the past nine months!! We even had a name for him, since before we knew the sex, we had discussed boy and girl names.
Yet, something was terribly wrong!!!! Sean wasn't breathing correctly, in fact he was breathing hardly at all. So they took Sean to the NICU, having Jamie follow along while they finished up with me. Neither of us knew that something was horribly wrong with Sean.
As soon as they finished with me, they wheeled me back into my room. Jamie was already there, with his head in his hands. Jamie looks up and tells me that Sean did have some problems, but the doctor thought they would be able to correct them with a surgical procedure. So, in my blessed ignorance and trust of modern medicine, I decided not to be too horribly worried.
Jamie and I stayed in the room wondering what is going on, and why no one has come to let us know what is going on with our baby boy. Since no one had come to the room, Jamie goes to call our parents and make sure they are on their way. I think he wanted to know they would be getting there to support us. Both of us are young and we didn't know anything about having to make decisions about health problems, especially with our brand new baby.
While he is gone, Sean's pediatrician comes into the room and sits down next to my bed. He looks me in the eye and tells me that Sean is not a healthy baby, that he was still having problems breathing and they had not been able to help. In fact, they had blown a whole in one of his lungs while trying to get him to breathe and had had to repair that lung. He says they don't expect Sean to live, but there may be a small chance that he will. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, feeling my heart break, wondering why this was happening to us. I thought, God is punishing me because I had wanted a girl so bad and because I had been a bit disappointed and concerned about having a boy. I felt guilt overwhelming me. But, I knew, in my heart, that I would love my little boy as much as I would have a girl, if God would just let me keep him.
At this point Jamie walks into the room and sees the tears rolling down my face. He knows that something is terribly wrong. I burst out, "They don't think Sean is going to live!!!" Looking back, I am appalled that I did that and didn't give him the chance to hear what the doctor had to say, but I was in so much pain and was not able to hold it in. Jamie looks to the doctor for an explanation, and the doctor tells him everything he had already said to me.
The doctor leaves the room to go check on Sean, and Jamie and I sit there, holding each other, as best as we can, with tears running down our faces.
A bit later, the nurse comes to wheel my bed to the NICU, with Jamie following along the side me. They brought us next to Sean's crib. There were wires and tubes running from his little body. I feel shock run through my mind. Why? I thought. What did we do so wrong? Why does my baby have to go through all this pain??!! They hand Sean over to me, and I have to be careful so that I don't pull anything out. Sean felt so right in my arms, and he smelled so wonderful. I whisper to him how much his mommy & daddy love him.
While I am holding Sean, Jamie collapses to his knees crying, and the hospital chaplain goes over to comfort him. Jamie has since said that at that moment he knew Sean wasn't going to live. Meanwhile, I am feeling torn, wanting to help Jamie, but also wanting to hold Sean. I felt more tears rolling down my face. My baby is so precious and beautiful. I feel him move against my chest, and my heart skips a beat. He lays there with his eyes closed, does he know his mother is holding him?
I tell Jamie he needs to come over to us and hold Sean, but he is still crying. He doesn't know whether he can do it or not. I tell him he needs to get over here and hold Sean now. So the chaplain helps him up and brings him over to the bed to hold Sean. I will never forget that scene, they looked so wonderful together. Sean's pediatrician comes in and asks if we want the wires removed so that we can hold Sean without the wires, but I say no. I think there might still be a chance, and I don't want him to die. I was in denial, I guess. I didn't want to believe that we were going to lose Sean. I wish I had said yes, so that we could have taken him back to the room and held him in our arms until he died, but like a naive fool, I didn't.
They take us back to our room, and we sit there and cry some more. Then, at about 2:42 p.m., the doctor comes in. He tells us as gently as he can that Sean passed away at 2:35. We were later told that the doctor had stood outside our room for 5 minutes, with tears running down his face, before he came in to tell us. He said that they thought Sean had Hypo-Plastic Lung Syndrome, which develops as a result of what they later discovered was Potter's Syndrome. But, we wouldn't know that until two weeks later when they received the autopsy results. Potter's Syndrome is also known as Bilateral Renal Agenesis, meaning that Sean was born without his kidneys. This is 100% fatal.
Jamie tells me that he will never forget the look on my face. I know how I felt at that moment. My heart was breaking, my world, as I knew it, was ending, and that I was dying. I wished that I had. The doctor leaves us to our private grief, and not ten minutes later, my mom and sister show up.
My mom says, "I thought we were going to have a baby by now." I start sobbing again, and Jamie looks at my mom and says, "Sean is gone." I remember my mom repeating the word, she didn't understand what he meant. So he said that Sean had died. I remember my sister collapsing to the floor, with a little cry, and starting to sob.
Later that night, Jamie and I held Sean again and took pictures. I am so glad we did. Sean's grandmas Alice and Brenda, his grandfather Steve, and his aunts Christina and Kammie all held him as well. I feel safe in saying that they are glad they did. I wish we had taken more, but no amount greater would have ever been enough.
To move ahead, we buried Sean Jareth on Sept. 12, 1998. We had to wait that long for me to be able to travel as I was recovering from my c-section. We decided to bury Sean close to our hometown, where someone in our family will always most likely be. We don't know if we will always live where we are now, so I wanted to make sure that family would always be near.
That is Sean's Story. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I realize that it is very long. I know that our baby is an angel in Heaven, and one of these days, we will be with him again.
"Some people only dream of angels, we held one in our arms."
I want to give a special thanks to Trinity.
Who created this set as a gift for
Sean's page. Please visit her memorial page
for her son, Gage.
(Sean's Guestbook)
Letters & Poetry
Pictures &
Clippings
Grief Links
Awards
Certificate of
Dignity
