At the root of all abusive relationships is the desire of one partner to control the other. It is this desire that leads the abuser to use physical and emotional force to gain power. There is a common myth that abuse is only battery. Abuse is more. Abuse is when there is a pattern of physical and emotional attacks.
Physical abuse is defined as any attempt to hurt or frighten one's partner with physical force, while emotional abuse includes any attempt to put one's partner down or make the partner feel unworthy. Listed below are signs of Domestic Violence. How many do you have?
DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM/VERBAL ATTACKS: name-calling; accusing; blaming; yelling; swearing; making humiliating remarks or gestures.
PRESSURE TACTICS: rushing you to make decisions through "guilt trips" & other forms of intimidation; sulking; threatening to withhold money; manipulating children or anyone; telling you what to do. The following list identifies a series of behaviors typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people. All of these forms of abuse- psychological, economical and physical- come from the batterer's desire for power and control. Use this checklist to identify if you or someone you know has this problem.
ABUSING AUTHORITY: always claming to be right (insisting statements are the truth); telling you what to do; making most (if not all) big decisions; using "logic".
DISRESPECT: interrupting; changing topics; not listening or not responding; twisting your words; putting you down in front of others; saying bad things about your family or friends.
ABUSING TRUST: Lying; withholding information; cheating; being overly jealous.
BREAKING PROMISES: not following through on agreements; not taking a fair share of responsibility; refusing to help with childcare or housework.
EMOTIONAL WITHHOLDING: not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights or opinions.
MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: making light of behavior and not taking your concerns about it seriously; saying abuse has never happened; shifting the responsibility for abusive behavior to the victim, saying (i.e. "you caused it", "its your fault").
ECONOMICAL CONTROL: interfering with your work or not letting you work; refusing to give you any or taking your money; taking your car keys or otherwise preventing you from using the car; threatening to report you to welfare or other social service agencies.
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR: Abusing drugs or alcohol; threatening suicide or other forms of self-hate; deliberately saying or doing things that have negative consequences(e.g. "telling off" the boss).
ISOLATION: preventing or making it difficult for you to see family or friends; monitoring phone calls; telling you where you can and can not go.
HARASSMENT: making uninvited visits or calls; following you; checking up on you; embarrassing you in public; refusing to leave when asked.
INTIMIDATION: making angry or threatening gestures or remarks; use of size to intimidate; standing in the doorway during arguments; "out-shouting" you; driving wrecklessly.
DESTRUCTION: destroying your possessions(e.g. furniture, dishes, clothes); punching walls; throwing and/or breaking things.
THREATS: making and/or carrying out threats to hurt you or others.
SEXUAL VIOLENCE: degrading treatment or discrimination based on your sex or sexual orientation; using force, threats or coercion to obtain sex or sexual acts.
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE: being violent to you, your children, household pets or others; i.e. slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, burning, stabbing, shooting, etc.
WEAPONS: use of weapons; keeping them around to frighten you or someone you love; threatening to or attempting to kill you or those you love.
The more checks, the more dangerous the situation may be. Have you ever done any of these to someone? If so, you may need help also!
In a national survey of over 6,000 American families, 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. Child abuse is 15 times more likely to occur in families where domestic violence is present. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become wife beaters. Children who witness violence at home display emotional and behavioral disturbances as diverse as withdrawal, low self-esteem, nightmares, self-blame and aggression against peers, family members and property. A comparison of delinquent and nondelinquent youth found that a history offamily violence or abuse is the most significant difference between the two groups. Over 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year.
Take the problem seriously - it will happen again.
Plan ahead for you and your family's safey. There are domestic violence agencies to help
you protect yourself and find shelter, food and clothing.
Have a safety plan. Find a safe place for you and your family to go before you leave home.
Keep a list of emergency phone numbers with you.
Gather together important papers that you will need to take with you.
Set aside any money you can save or open a bank account in your name.
Call a court or legal advocate to get information about the laws that protect you or to request
assistance in obtaining an order for protection.
Remember that you are not alone. And no matter what anyone has told you, it's not your fault.
Pack a bag in advance and leave it with a friend or neighbor. Remember extra clothes and
toys for your children.
If you, or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, it is important that you access resources for help and support in your local community. Prioritize the safety of yourself and your children first, and then seek help for relocation, job skills, and counseling. The following are some examples of community resources geared at Interveining with domestic violence.
Local rape crisis centers.
Hospitals and emergency rooms.
Local police.
Community access legal clinics.
Victim witness/witness protection programs.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, if it is unsafe,
or if it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
I have the right to say "I don't know."
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.
Rev. 10/22/98
