The pain of this is so much fo me to bear
-LynLi
I love him so much, though he feels I don't care.
I have tried everything I know how to do,
To give him a life and make him happy too.
The abuse that we lived with ruined our life,
The challenges we faced were hardest at night.
When we left I began to feel we were safe,
And when my husband died, I began to have faith.
That all of the hurt and the pain we went through,
Would be over forever, and our life would be renewed,
But just as the trees and the flowers began to bloom.
So did the memories for my child, I assume,
Because now the pain and abuse comes from him.
And so here I am now, reliving it all over again,
Now I am faced with hard decisions to make,
And regretting those choices I didn't take.
But now it is time for me to try to live again,
Without abuse. I just want it all to end.
Nothing else worked, there's only one road left to take,
So now I am left with a very painful choice to make.
I have to find another place for him to live,
And God I pray that they will be able to give
The things that he needs to help him grow,
Into a man that anyone would be proud to know.
I remember the first time I saw the temper...
-Berta
Was that him?...How could he change so much so fast
And how could I bring the man I loved back.
Was it me...something I said...?
Vowed then and there to make his life easier
Anger like that wasn't good for him.
It was up to me to make sure it happened as little as possible.
How young and foolish I was...How little I knew,
how conditioned I'd been growing up, to continue this mess.
Spending your days always on edge...
He whittles away at your senses...those fragile tactile antennae
They're trying to let you know, it's his pain and fear.
You own an emotion that doesn't belong to you.
When things were good...they were very good...
But when they were bad...it didn't matter,
he just had to get rid of his pain...his frustration, his fear.
It's all about him...It's always about him
The Middle Years
The chilren are here.
Oh, my heart my heart, this will surely break my heart.
They don't help,
It just gives him more people to get angry at.
Innocence taken and Innocence lost.
Guilt is my friend, my companion and lover,
We are never far apart, It's weight across my shoulders.
A constant reminder to all I'd done wrong, and too late to fix.
What an endless viscious circle I live in now.
There is no longer a middle, a beginning or an end.
So much the same, yet so much that's different.
Do they feel as confused and afraid as I did at their age?
When he would lose his public control?
The occasional looks from friends and family
Do they wonder, can they think?
Or like everyone else, it's just an occasional thing.
Is it still about him...of course it is. It's always about him.
The Final Years
The days go by slow and sure, for good or bad, an endless journey.
Slowly so slowly comes the realization, the facts, and the awakening
To feel, to know, to chance.
A new companion to share your bed,
guilt has a partner its name is fear.
Not so much fear of him, but the unknown, the future,
Pain that must be faced, not once, not twice, but over and over again
Till you want to scream and run...enough,
enough, haven't I had enough.
Oh...to be selfish, to say no, to look and say,
that's not my problem anymore
To be alive just for me, learning to trust, to speak and share.
Where to begin and how do I start?
I know deep inside that this new journey I'm on is for the best.
Now, to find more patience and walk in my childrens steps.
To know their fear and pain. to share and care,
To help and guide them to their own new beginnings
Will we survive? Yes!
Is it about him? Not anymore!
The child inside this woman of me longs to know
Patricia (AmeriLisa)
just how it would be to sit in your lap upon your knee
and see you behaving fatherly-
I read my books and wish I could crawl inside
the walls and ceiling know how much I want to hide
The child inside this woman of me has sometimes
wanted to die and if she believed that tomorrow
would come, she'd take the time to cry-
Like the tides ever flowing the child is always knowing
a glimmering shadow of hope in the darkness
does it grope for ways to fill the hollow places
of needs left by daddy's wicked deeds
The child inside this woman of me has some dreams
and schemes that fight against the thoughts of death
and struggles with what tomorrow really means-
tomorrow never comes you know--
it's just one long neverending day--
the child knows, yes she knows,
that it's just the way with life,
that's just how it goes
the child inside this woman of me
knows for now she's built a prison,
and walls around her heart
that none may enter, without the risk,
of tearing her apart
The woman inside this child of me...
is praying someday to be free...
she knows it's just a little wish..
in this great big world, just a little wish ....
Rev. 10/21/98
