A lot of the time authors open their books with "Long ago and far away". I have never quite figured out why, except for the fact that when it was used the first time it was quite likely a pretty neat line. But now I see no purpose in opening my particular tale this way, because you see, I prefer to be specific about things like this. The only problem is however that I have no idea when it was that this took place, nor do I have the slightest idea how far away the place in which our story will begin is. Therefore it will be much more productive to just say "Long ago and far away", and get on with the plot. Unfortunately I have another problem, which is that I do know that the story takes place in Victoria Grove, the home of two particularly rowdy cats named Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser. I do wish to make this point clear to the reader, so that the reader may have some context as to where the story will eventually take place, if I will ever stop rambling and start telling the story. This presents another problem. Nothing throughout this story will make enough sense for the reader to conclude when it is taking place, which is not so much a problem for the reader as it is for me, since I will have no idea whatsoever what time period my characters are from. I will therefore set the a time period of now, whenever it happens to be that I get around to finishing this story, if it ever does begin. Now and in Victoria Grove, there lived two cats, though I believe I have mentioned them before, and since I do not feel like writing their names again, I will allow you to assume I mean Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser. Oh, darn. I ended up writing them anyway. But anyway, these two cats live with two severely annoying humans: George, who seemed to be perpetually drunk, and Lucy, who seemed to be perpetually stupid. Now, The naming of cats is a difficult matter, it isn't just one of your holiday games, You may think at first, I'm as mad as a hatter, when I tell you a cat must have three different names. First of all there's a name the family use daily, such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo, or James. Such as Victor, or Jonathan, George or Bill Baily, but all of them sensible, everyday names. There are fancier names, if you think they sound sweeter, some for the gentleman, some for the dames, such as Plato, Ademetus, Electra, Demeter, but all of them sensible, everyday names. But I tell you a cat needs a name that's particular, a name that's peculiar, and more dignified. Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular, or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride? Of names of this kind, I can give you our quorum, such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat, such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum, names that never belong to more than one cat. But above and beyond, there's still one name left over, and that is the name that you never will guess, the name no human research can discover, but the cat himself knows, and will never confess. When you notice a cat in profound meditation, the reason I tell you is always the same. His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation, of the thought, of the thought, of the thought, of his name. His ineffable, effable, effanineffable, deep, and inscrutable, singular, name name name name name name name name name I would say "But that's another story", however, I seem to have told you the whole story already. And anyway, by now I have forgotten the entire reason for which I have written that, and so we will move on. One day in the middle of whichever month it happens to be, Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser went to the Jellicle ball. I suppose I must now make clear what the Jellicle ball is to some of the more stupid readers, who do not own cats. You really ought to own a cat. They're soft, and furry, and great companions when they don't abandon you to go to Jellicle balls. Anyway, the Jellicle ball is a weird thing where all of the Jellicle cats come to rejoice. Please do not ask what a Jellicle cat is, or I may be forced to type The Naming of Cats again, and I do not wish to do so. The cats sit around introducing themselves till a really old cat named Old Deuteronomy comes. They then act out a little play for him and begin dancing, which turns into mating, and back to dancing. Then Old Deuteronomy just before dawn through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife, announces the cat, who can now be reborn, and come back to a different Jellicle life. Therefore he picks someone to kill, so they can come back to life. Now that I have explained this I can continue with the story which has so far gone no where. Well Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser went to this ball and danced and mated and such. It was announced that the one to be reborn was in fact Grizzabella. Grizzabella was an old ugly cat that the other cats disrespected, which of course made no sense because the only reason for their discrediting her was that she had not attended a few Jellicle balls. But this, of course, proved exceedingly offensive to the other Jellicles, that an old ugly cat would choose not to attend a Jellicle ball. But all of this information is truly beside the point and really does not further the plot of this story, which has still not yet begun. This story is written to tell of what happened to two particular cats, Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser, although I do believe I mentioned that a while ago, after the Jellicle ball. When Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser arrived home in Victoria Grove, they talked a bit, since that seemed like a good way to while away the time. Their only other option was to slap each other in the face several times, then run into the walls till they gave themselves concussions, but they both opposed to this idea. "So how'd you like the Jellicle ball?" Mungojerri asked, concluding that since he was older than her and We the people of the United States in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of the liberty to ourselves and our prosterity , do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Oh sorry, where was I? Oh yes, since he was older and this was her first ball, it would be fitting to ask her such a question. "It was fun. I met a bunch of new cats. I can't wait to see them all again next year." Rumpleteaser smiled. Betty Baker bought some butter. "But," said she, "This butter's bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter." So she bought some better butter. Butter that was not so bitter. Put this butter in her batter, thus she made the batter better. "What are you talking about, Rumpleteaser, what does bitter butter have to do with anything?" Mungojerri frowned. Perhaps I should just stop being a narrator and let you just deal with dialogue. I seem to be ruining the story with my short attention span. Did you ever notice that Jellicle and Icicle are almost the same word? Oh yeah, dialogue. "Oh nothing, I mean I was just kind of hungry." "Want something to eat? I can get something for you." "Sure" This is no fun. I don't care how messed up this story ends up, I'm narrating. "There is more to life than cheese balls and fruit loops." "What?" Mungojerri complained. "Now your NOT hungry?" "Guess what, Mungojerri!" Rumpleteaser waited for a reply, and upon not getting one, promptly shot him in the head. She then stuck a happy face Band-Aid to it, so of course it felt all better. "I said guess what!" "I'm not going to answer you until I can shoot you back!" Mungojerri crossed his arms, which of course is impossible for a cat, but if a Band-Aid is gonna save him from a shot in the head, he might as well be able to cross his arms. "You may be older but that doesn't mean you can shoot me back!" Rumpleteaser got her way in the end, since she is my favorite character, and I'm boss. "Tom you're a fat fool" "Essie, watch what 'ya say!" "You're a swag belly, Essie" Oh yes, I was writing about Mungojerri and Rumpleteaser. "Okay, what?" Mungojerri finally asked. "I think I may be pregnant." Okay, so she'd have no way of knowing, but I do believe this plot will go nowhere unless I give it a jump-start of a few impossible situations. But the point is, this of course proved exceedingly surprising to Mungojerri. "You mean Grizzabella?" He asked, still quite startled. "Yupsiree. Now are you glad you asked?" Rumpleteaser then did a cartwheel for no apparent reason just because it sounded like a pretty neat idea. "Actually no, I wish I had asked for a can of Beefaroni instead." This of course made Rumpleteaser angry and so she smacked him in the head. "Ow! Well, you have to admit, Beefaroni is the quilted quicker picker upper!" "No, Mungojerri, that's Bounty." Rumpleteaser declared. "The quilted, quicker picker upper! Bounty!" Mungojerri sang. "No that's not it either." "That's beside the point, Mungojerri!" Rumpleteaser hit him once more in the head. "Ow! Then what is the point?" Mungojerri began searching for the Beefaroni. "I'm carrying Grizzabella!" Rumpleteaser hit him again. "Do you have to hit me so much?! And besides, I don't see Grizzabella. Where is she?" Mungojerri began throwing the Beefaroni at the wall, hoping it would inconspicuously pop open. "No, Mungojerri. I'm not carrying her in my arms!" Rumpleteaser grabbed a knife and slashed open the Beefaroni. "Don't worry just deny everything, and trust no one." "The truth is out there." Mungojerri whispered. "The family'l say, 'It's that horrible cat!' and most of the time, they leave it at that!" Rumpleteaser began licking up the mess of Beefaroni on the floor. "Oh Muffy, Snoopy!" Cried out Lucy. "You home from the grocery store. Did you remember to buy Kleenexeses? We need some more in the bathroom." "Lucy, have you seen my gun? I'm gonna shoot me up squirrels for dinner tonight! Oh look, Lucy! The guy's came over to watch football with me!" George gestured toward the cats. "Oh, George, those are Muffy and Snoopy!" Lucy shook her head. "Oh, some new friends! Hi, my name is George and this is my wife…" George knelt down next to the cats. "What my name?" "George." Lucy frowned. "Oh yeah, my wife George. Mmmmm. Beefaroni!" George then began eating the Beefaroni on the floor. "Muffins, Spookers, you sure do know how to cook them cabbages!" "George, go to the grocery store. Muffy and Snoopy forgot the Kleenexeses." Lucy said. "Oh did you now? Well, then, while I'm at it I think I'll pick up some noodley chicken, or whatever that stuff is." George picked up a handful of Beefaroni. "The quilted, quicker picker upper! Beefaroni!" "See!" Mungojerri stuck out his tongue which doesn't seem like a normal thing for a cat to do, but he does it quite a bit if you watch him closely. "Yeah, I'm so sorry oh great one. I never knew that that drunken fool agreed with you." Rumpleteaser said sarcastically. Just then, a giant anvil fell on the world and killed everybody. THE END
