A Biblical Alternative To Dating

By Dr. S.M. Davis
(NOT associated with this Newsletter)
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Awhile back I shared the problems with dating with a friend. We were limited on time and ran out of time before I could give any solutions. With a tone of desperation in his voice, he said, “What do we do? Tell us what to do!”
In the past few years mny good, Godly people have come to practice what is called “Courting.” Courting is a custom much closer to Biblical truth, and the term itself is a much purer term than “dating.” The Encyclopedia International states that “the words ‘courtly,’ ‘courteous,’ and ‘courtship’ derive from the elegant and formalized manners so typical of the medieval courts of Europe. During the later medieval period, particularly in the 12th Century, romantic love flourished under the codes of chivalry.” {You may wish to note in passing that the term “Courting” is about eight hundred years old.} Let me tell you how I define Courting. COURTING is a young man seeing a young lady in whom he is interested and then spending time with her with her Father’s approval and guidance. You notice immediately that Courting is much better and much safer than dating. In fact, if sufficient Biblical principles are integrated into Courting, it may serve very adequately as a vehicle to take a couple safely to the marriage alter.
There is a term that I still greatly prefer over either “dating” or “courting.” This term occurs 13 times in the Bible. Its synonym occurs 5 times. I prefer this term, not only because it is a Biblical term, but also because it is established on the very solid foundation of the Biblical pattern of salvation itself. I introduce you to the term “Betrothing.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

•BETROTHING is a secure, public relationship, sought by a young man, responded to by a young lady, and supervised and approved by their parents. The practice of Betrothing also requires a Pre-Betrothing relationship. PRE-BETROTHING is a time when a mature man and woman seek to determine, with their Parents’ guidance, God’s will for their lives in relation to each other. The English word “betroth” breaks down into two words. “Be” - to cause to come to pass; and “troth” - the trust of marriage. Now I obviously prefer the term “Betrothing,” but you can call this anything you wish. The key thing is that certain Biblical principles not be ignored. The two critical non-negotiables in order for a couple to get safely and properly to the marriage altar are: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 - Heavy parental {or other authority figure} involvement.

Now the ultimate question for every Christian is: What does the Bible say? Which of these three choices as I’ve given them to you is most in line with Scriptural evidence? I want you to join me now in a trip through the Bible beginning with Genesis chapter 2 and let’s examine what God says.
In Genesis 2:18 God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make an help meet for him.” Notice that God said “I will make an help-meet,” not, “I will make a dozen girls and let Adam choose.” Then in verse 22 God made Eve and brought her to Adam. When you see a wedding and a father brings the bride down the aisle, that picture is drawn from this passage as God, like a Father, brought this lady to the man.
Genesis chapter 24, the whole chapter, is somewhat of a commentary on that which we’re discussing. Here Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a bride for his son Isaac. The servant prays and asks the Lord to direct him and comes upon this spot where a lady is at a well. Eliezer asks God to give him a sign about this and the Lord does.
This damsel by the name of Rebekah showed tremendous character and diligence and initiative and responsibility by taking it upon herself to water this man’s camels. That would have been a huge job— walking down the steps to the area where the water was, filling a heavy jug and then bringing it back out. Those camels probably hadn’t had anything to drink for many days. She would have made at least 10 and maybe as many as 30 or 40 trips down in that well, carrying out those jugs of water. Later Eliezer went to Rebekah’s house and told how the Lord had directed him. Look at verse 48: "I bowed down my head and worshipped the Lord, and blessed the Lord God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master’s brother’s daughter unto his son." People say to me all the time, “How can this work out?” And I say, “The Lord will lead you.” Did you know THE LORD REALLY WILL LEAD YOU in this area?! Verse 50 says, "Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, the thing proceedeth from the Lord: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good." In other words, “Our opinion really doesn’t matter.” I remember when I found the two mates for my two daughters. I remember sitting at a Valentine Banquet with my wife and both of my future son-in-laws and my two daughters and all at once it overwhelmed me. Chills went up and down my spine as I thought, "God’s really done this! God has really sent us these girls’ mates! This is phenomenal!" Verse 58. "And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go." Notice that we are not by any stretch of the imagination talking about a girl or a guy marrying someone thy don’t want to marry. No parent who has their child’s heart would dream of asking their child to marry someone they didn’t want to marry. Verse 67 says. "And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death." Chapter 26:34 & 35 gives us an example from the opposite direction: "And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite: Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and Rebekah." Esau, a picture of a carnal man, did the seeking for a wife by himself, and those that he found were a grief to his parents. It is like God is saying to us early in the Scriptures: “If children don’t have their parents’ direction then they are going to bring heartbreak to their parents’ lives.” Chapter 28:1 & 2 says, “And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother’s father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother’s brother.” Now what do you see here? You see a man who had his father’s permission, but he didn’t have his father’s continued direction and help as he sought his mate. Do you remember the story? Do you remember all the complications and all the problems Jacob ran into because his father was not there to help him get through it? Jacob may have worked 14 years before he got the one that he felt was the right one. Genesis 38:6 tells us, "and Judah took a wife for Er, his first-born, whose name was Tamar." Notice again the involvement of a father. Exodus 22 has the first occurrence of the key Hebrew word, “aras,” which is translated “betroth” 9 times and “espouse” 1 time in the Old Testament. Exodus 22:16 & 17 says, "And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, her shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins." Notice the concept of the dowry here. In that day, if a man lay with a girl, and he wasn’t married to her, he had to pay her father something like the equivalent of $400 to $500. (Every time I read this verse I think what a great idea it would be for some legislature to pass a law like this to slow down the teenage pregnancy rate!) Turn to Deuteronomy 20:7. Here is what I believe is the key Old Testament verse that describes betrothing. "And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her?" Notice that a commitment is there, but they are not actually yet living together as husband and wife. "Let him go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man take her." Now this is the second time that the Hebrew word “aras” occurs. The other times that it occurs, just for your information, are: Deut. 22:23,25,27, & 28; Deut. 28:30; II Sam. 3:14; and in Hosea 2:19 it occurs twice.

Now turn to Judges 14. There are people who say that Samson was guilty of dating. But I submit to you that he was not. In verse 1 Samson saw a woman that he liked. In verse 2 he came and told his father and his mother and asked them to get her for him to be his wife. Even Samson knew that he had to get his parents’ help to get a wife. The problem here is that Samson is leading his parents instead of seeking his parents’ counsel and direction. Turn to II Chronicles 24 and you’ll see that in the absence of a father, the Priest Jehoiada helped find a wife for Joash, the king. Why? Apparently because kings don’t have enough sense to choose their own mates without some help! In II Chronicles 24:2 and 3 we read, "And Joash did that which was right in the sight of the Lord all the days of Jehoidada the Priest. And Jehoiada took for him two wives; and he begat sons and daughters." Israel had become perverted in the number of wives, but not in the way to get a wife. Matthew 22:1 & 2. “And Jesus answered and spake unto them again by parables, and said, The kingdom of Heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son.” Notice that the king as a father is in charge of the marriage for his son. This concept is also found in Paul’s Epistles in I Corinthians 7:38. "He that giveth her [his virgin daughter] in marriage doeth well." What is the concept here? The concept is that the father is the one in charge. The verse concludes: "but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." Now look at II Corinthians 11. Paul is still building upon these already well established Old Testament customs and principles as he says in verse 2, "For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband," [remember that espoused and betrothed are synonyms] "that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT IS BETROTHING?

WHY IS BETROTHING BETTER?

1 - Betrothing is a relationship based on an Ideal Biblical Pattern.

Courting, on the other hand, is like placing a tropical plant in a semi-tropical environment. It’ll still survive. It will still do alright. With Betrothing we are able to put Biblical Principles into a Biblical Pattern. That’s like taking a tropical plant and setting it on an island on the equator. It’s going to thrive and do well because it’s in its own environment.
Now this is an Ideal Biblical PATTERN. Notice the word “Pattern?” This is not a command. You don’t HAVE to do this. But I hope you’ll think twice before passing up the blessings that you and your family can experience by following the wisdom of God’s pattern. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2-What is Betrothing?

Betrothing is a pattern that gives a Practical and Spiritual approach to finding a mate. Let’s get real practical for a little while. How do you really do what I’ve been talking about?
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(1) Parents and Young People should make sure that they have each others’ hearts. That’s the number one thing. Picture again the heavenly Father and the Son knot together. Whatever was the Father’s will, that’s what the Son wanted to do.
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(2) Children should be taught from the time they are very young that there is one other person in life for them — one other person in life for them physically, and one other person for them emotionally. Where’s the example of this? Jesus didn’t date around or check out a dozen girlfriends. Jesus came for one specific bride. How many people did God make for your son to marry? God made A bride. God made an Eve for Adam. Wouldn’t it be great then if the only “boyfriend” your daughter ever had was her husband? And wouldn’t it be great if your son never kissed anyone but his wife? And if they never held hands or kissed until their wedding day, it would be a perfect picture of Christ and the Church! Are there any married adults here who really feel good when you think of your mate having been in the arms of some other person? Ladies, when you think of your husband’s old girlfriend, and you think of them holding hands and kissing, does that really make you feel good? No it doesn’t. That alone should tell us something. We need to do something different with our children! “Well,” you say, “somebody will make some mistakes.” Sure they will. We’re human beings. Somebody will think they found the one, and it’ll be a mistake and they’ll figure it out later. But it’s better to at least shoot for the right target than to shoot wildly with no target in mind at all! How many of you would feel better if you knew your mate had never been emotionally attached to anyone but you? Wouldn’t that be better? Amen?! Sure it would! Let me tell you how to do this. Start with your children at home. Pull your little boy up to you and say, “Johnny, your Mom and I are married. We're in love. It is so special. Now Johnny, one of these days, if it’s God’s will for you to be married, then you and Dad together will find your mate for life. You won’t have a whole bunch of girlfriends. We’re going to start praying about this every day. And someday God will give you a girlfriend, and then you’ll marry her. Won’t that be wonderful Johnny?” Do you know what he’s going to say? “Yaaaay!!” Why do we have the other? Because that’s what we’ve taught all these years.
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(3) Those not old enough to be married should concentrate on seeking God instead of seeking a girlfriend or a boyfriend.
Ecclesiastes 12:1— “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them.” Remember your Creator while you’re in your youth instead of waiting until you’re old. Seek God. Grow in the Lord. Learn the Word of God. Develop character. Develop wisdom. Matthew 6:33 — “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” “Now Johnny, we’re going to seek God. You’re going to develop character and wisdom. And one of these days, when God wants you to have a wife, He’ll bring her across our path. It’s going to be so wonderful Johnny! We’re going to have such a special testimony. Boy, it’s going to be great!” You say, “But what about those times when the emotions seem determined to move toward one person or another?” Then teach your children that that is a signal from God for them to draw closer to God and closer to their parents. That’s a signal that they need to strengthen even more the commitment that there be only one other person.
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(4) Children must be warned about breaking the Tenth Commandment - "Thou shalt not covet." Teach your children to watch their hearts for covetousness before and after marriage. The tenth commandment doesn’t just apply to things. It also applies to people. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” How many men covet their neighbor’s wife? Imagine the devastation if all of our young people were breaking Commandment #7 - “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”! Yet many young people regularly break Commandment #10, and we think it normal. What is Coveting? It is wanting someone God does not want me to have. Is it possible to covet before marriage? That’s what we have with the boyfriend/girlfriend game. We have covetousness taking place all around us. And then we wonder why do we have it after marriage. Because that’s what we’re doing before marriage.
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(5) Young People should be friendly towards everyone. The youth in my church have been telling me that they’ve found a real freedom to be friendly with everybody since everyone isn’t constantly trying to pair off.
I want to tell you something. When Johnny likes Susie, it’s hard for David to even talk to Susie without Johnny getting jealous. Now if everybody understands that we’re waiting until we find THE ONE, and we’re friendly towards everybody til then, then lots of conflicts are solved before they ever get started. In Timothy 5:2 Paul told Timothy to treat the younger women “as sisters, with all purity.” ALL purity. That means no hand holding, no kissing, no necking, and no petting. You wouldn’t do that with your sister would you? Not unless you’re perverted! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(6) Parents and Children should discuss together the character, personality, and commitment of other young people.
My girls and I do this all the time. I have a daughter who is sixteen and a daughter who is fourteen, and they know they are welcome at any time to discuss any young men they see. We are in other churches a lot. After the church service is over, we’ll be riding back in the car and I’ll hear, “Dad, did you see that young man? Do you know what I noticed about him? He was really respectful toward his Mom. I saw him open his Mom’s car door.” “Dad, I saw a young man taking notes while the Preacher preached tonight. That really impressed me.” We discuss character. My girls have said to me, “Dad, does that young man have the kind of character that you’re going to be looking for in the person who’s going to be my mate?” And I’ll answer back, “That’s it! You’ve got it!” And then we discuss different personalities and how different personalities interact with one another. We discuss the degree of commitment we see in others. We discuss the level of spiritual maturity: “Dad, did you notice that that fourteen year old boy was called on by his Pastor to pray? He prayed like a man would pray! He wasn’t ashamed of the Lord, and he didn’t seem to care what anybody thought about him.”
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(7) Girls should not seek a mate at all. Amen! Who did the seeking, Christ or the Church? The pattern is clear. Christ came to seek us. We become aware that He is seeking us, and we respond to Him. I know we say sometimes that we seek God, but technically speaking He seeks us. The girl should learn to be the responder, not the aggressor. There’s something wrong with a girl who is the aggressor. This also limits active and passive flirting. What do I mean? I’m talking about the way some girls will act or dress in such a way as to try to trap a fellow. Active flirting is the use of the eyes, the walk, the actions, or the movements of the body to try to attract lustful male attention. Flirting is really a form of flattery. The strange woman of Proverbs 7 used flattery. FLATTERY IS A NET SPREAD FOR YOUR FEET. {Pro. 29:5} Then there is passive flirting. Those are the things a girl does to herself to call attention to herself — excessive makeup, gaudy makeup, gaudy rings and necklaces and earrings, certain clothes (or the lack of them), and fabulous, wild hairdos. I’ve seen some ladies who looked like they had an eagle’s nest on top of their head! Do you recall that in Genesis 24 Rebekah was the object of someone’s concern. But she apparently wasn’t aware of it or worried about it at all. She sat back and waited and developed her own character and when the time came, God worked things out. That’s what a girl ought to do. She ought to develop her own character and let God work things out. Let’s say it like this: A girl should be more concerned about who SHE is than who HE is. And she should be careful that her countenance, her demeanor, her walk, her talk, and her smile portray Godliness and character and not the flirtatious attitude that says, “I’m available if you’re interested.” Amen.
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(8) Boys should not seek until they’re old enough and mature enough for marriage. The key here is that the father of the young man recognizes that his son is ready to give a bride a secure relationship. That’s what Jesus does for us in salvation. And that’s the picture of the betrothing relationship.
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(9) A young man should be willing to pay the price to get his bride. You say, “How much should I charge?” Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not sure there’s ever been enough money to buy one of my girls! So we’re not necessarily talking about money here. We come back again to the example of Christ and the Church. Jesus lived for, served, and died for His bride. In like manner, a young man should work through a young lady’s parents to learn to serve her, to meet her needs, to make her feel special, to live for her, to die to self for her. As a young man lays aside self-indulgence, his dowry payment of selflessness shows to the world how highly he values his bride. And it doesn’t take a $10,000 ring for a bride treated like that to feel special.
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(10) Couples should plan a wedding that will glorify God in every way. A wedding that glorifies God is the most beautiful wedding that anyone could ever have! Make sure the music doesn’t glorify Satan by having a rock beat. Make sure that parents are deeply involved in what is going on. If possible, see to it that the members of the wedding party are committed Christians. Did you know it doesn’t take a lot of money to have a glorious wedding? All it takes is a couple who wants to honor God. The presence of God is what makes a glorious wedding.

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GO TO PART 2 OF 2! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~