A Biblical Alternative To Dating
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Part 2 of 2
By Dr. S.M. Davis
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Personal Testamony
I wish I could tell you that my oldest daughter and her husband never had another boyfriend or girlfriend, but I can’t tell you that. And yet there were some things about their relationship that were somewhat ideal. However, I’m not sure there is such a thing as an ideal. Why? Betrothing is a mirror image of salvation. So let me ask you, which was more ideal, your salvation experience or mine? Do you see what I mean? You think your’s is, don’t you? I think mine is.
There is as much diversity in what I am teaching as there are people in the world. Everyone’s experience in following this pattern that the Bible gives can be incredible.
My daughter Dawn had been away from us, and she had written me and said,
“Dad, I want you to find my mate. I realize I’ll really mess up if I look.”
During February and March of 1991 I told my wife, “You know, I think we’ll
find Dawn’s mate in the next six months. I don’t know why, I just feel like we
will. We may not. But I feel impressed that way.” I traveled even more than
usual during those months just to allow the Lord to cross our paths with the
right young man if He chose to do so. We honestly had no idea that we’d already met him.
It was around the middle of August 1991 that our home telephone rang. When we
answered the phone it was Daniel’s parents on the line. They said, “We’re wondering,
would you consider Daniel for Dawn?”
I was shocked. My end went silent. The voice on the other end said, “Are you
there?” “Well, yes. I guess I’m just stunned. I had never really considered
Daniel for Dawn.”
Then they explained, “Well, you know we’ve thought about this, we’ve prayed
about it, and we feel like our families are compatible. Our beliefs and
standards are the same or similar.”
I replied, “Well, my first thought is that I don’t really know Daniel.”
They said, “Well, he’s done some photography work for you before, and he’s
coming to take your family picture on August the 16th. It will give you the
chance to look him over.” “Okay.”
On August 16 Daniel walked in. We had said absolutely nothing to Dawn. Daniel
sat down and started talking to her, and it wasn’t 15 minutes before she cornered
her Mom in another room and said, “What is going on here?” Ha, Ha.
Daniel’s Dad called after Daniel’s visit and said, “Bro. Davis, what do you
think? You had a chance to look him over.” And I said, “Well, you know, this
is really your decision, not mine. The Father and Son together chose the bride
for the Son. Then the bride has the opportunity to accept or reject.”
Of course you understand human nature. Dawn by that time was already feeling
attracted toward Daniel. I told her, "Now you just keep your emotions in check.
You be patient. It’ll probably be 3 or 4 months before we hear anything. And when we do hear something, it might be negative."
Three weeks later, we were in Iowa and Daniel and his Dad were trying to find
us all over the country. Dawn anxiously waited in another room while I talked
with Daniel and his Dad. I made notes on what they said to me so I could share
the details with her later.
Then I made Dawn wait another 45 minutes till we could be with her Mom before
I told her what they said! When the three of us finally sat down, and I began
to tell that Daniel and his Dad felt Dawn was the one, things really got
exciting! Dawn started crying and laughing at the same time. We were in a room
like a motel room. Dawn was sitting on the bed, and she started bouncing up
and down with joy.
I said to Daniel and his Dad, “The ball is in my court now.” And my response
to you all is this, “I want to see Daniel and Dawn together a little more than
I have previously to see what the intermixture is of their personalities, their
temperaments, and so on. I’ve seen a little bit, but I just feel like I need to see them together a little more.”
September the 27th Daniel came over. On the 28th I sat down and talked to him
for quite a while.
September the 28th...a Sunday night...in front of the entire church, during
our handshaking time, our Assistant Pastor walked in the back door of the
auditorium wearing a long-tailed coat, ringing a bell, and saying, “Hear ye,
hear ye, a proclamation is made.” Daniel and Dawn were standing on the front
row of the church, getting ready to sing a duet. They had no idea what was
happening. Daniel turned to Dawn and said, “What in the world is going on?”
Dawn said, “Well, we have a thing here that we announce when babies are going
to be born. And there is probably someone who is going to have a baby and this
is their way of announcing it.”
When Bro. Bryant reached the microphone, everything settled down long enough
for him to read these words:
“Hear ye! Hear ye! An official proclamation is hereby issued: Whereas on
Friday, September 13, 1991 a Father, one Ronald Williams and his son, one
Daniel Eugene Williams, officially agreed together to ask permission from
one S. M. Davis to enter a Betrothing relationship with the fair lady, Jennifer LaDawn Davis. Permission is hereby officially granted by the parents of LaDawn as of today for Daniel to enter a Betrothing relationship.
Mr. Williams is reminded that he should pursue this relationship as a high
Christian gentleman who respects the authority of LaDawn’s parents.
He will be allowed in proper company to attempt to win the heart of his
betrothed.
Should God give clear leadership, this Betrothing Relationship may culminate
in engagement and marriage at some future date, which date to be agreed upon
by all parties.
It was interesting watching Daniel. We got a picture of him lifting his right
leg and thrusting forward his right arm and forcefully saying “YES!”
I sat down and talked to them both later and said, “You have our permission
to develop the relationship, but we don’t want you to say, ‘I love you’, until
we tell you.”
So they wrote back and forth, and they visited, and it was interesting
watching Daniel come up with all these creative ways to say “I love you”
without really saying it. He said: “I care for you very deeply.” “You’re
very special to me.” “You’re a person whom I like a lot.”
Finally on Saturday, January 11, Daniel told Dawn, “I love you.” And on
February the 14th we had to let her tell him that she loved him because two
days later he was going to ask her to marry him.
So Dawn wrote a whole song just for him and surprised him by singing it to him
during a practice time with just a few of us at the Church. They were
practicing to sing another song, and she turned around and the first time she
ever told him she loved him, she sang, “My love I give to you this day. Please understand that I’m pledging all my love to you, and by you I’ll always stand. From the very start you won my heart, my dreams came true. You’re my knight in shining armour, how could I ask for more than you?” She did a beautiful job.
Two days later they were engaged. Again, this was their choice. Daniel talked
to me about how they might get engaged and they got engaged in front of the
whole Church.
Dawn was expecting them to walk onto the platform and sing a song together.
When they got in position, the pianist started playing a different song. Daniel
turned and started singing to her a song entitled “I Truly Love You.” Then he
looked at her and said, “Dawn, I love you. Will you marry me?”
At that moment I stepped up because Dawn was wearing a little ring that we had
given her when she turned 13. It was a symbol of her trust and purity and
relationship with us as her parents. So I stepped up and took that ring off
and put it on her other hand. Then Daniel slipped an engagement ring on her
hand. On June 26, 1992 Daniel and Dawn were married at a beautiful wedding at
our Church.
So, that’s one illustration of Betrothing. Your story might be different than
what I just gave. In fact, your story might be even more fabulous! For you and
your family I’m sure it will be.
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Why? Why is Betrothing better?
3 - Betrothing bypasses the big dangers involved in dating. Parents are supervising the time that young people spend together, so the threat to purity is done away. There is no threat to emotional stability because young people don’t have to worry about rejection.
4 - Betrothing is better because it keeps the priority on the right relationship.
I’ve seen young people who were cleaving before they were leaving. You might say that they cleft before they left! The priority relationship until marriage is the parental relationship.
Loyalty to parents is important because loyalty transfers over. For instance, here’s a girl who is loyal to her Mom & Dad. What’s going to happen when she marries a fellow? That loyalty will immediately, beautifully transfer over to her mate.
I was SO protective of my two now-married daughters that I think both of my
son-in-laws thought, “That guy is going to run our home after we get married.”
I kept saying to them, “Fellows, you need to understand something. Until the
day you say ‘I do,’ I am totally in charge. But you also need to understand
that I understand marriage. When you say, ‘I do,’ you’ve done it and she’s
yours — hook, line, and sinker. And I won’t be running your life. If I can
help you, I’ll help you. But she’s yours. And if she comes to me with a
problem, I’ll tell her that you’re her husband. You and she are welcome as
long as it’s alright with you.”
Of course, just like loyalty transfers, so does rebellion. If a young lady has
a rebellious attitude towards her Mom and Dad, she’s probably going to be
rebellious towards her husband.
Another advantage of keeping the priority on the right relationship is that
it allows the parents the control they need to be creative and to make the
relationship special for their children.
I told you some of the things that we did with Dawn and Daniel. Did you see how romantic that was? Now I’m not boasting here at all, and lots of those things we worked out together, but I want to tell you that all of those details they’d probably never have worked out by themselves. Do you know why? Hold on to your seat. This is a shocker. Since we were their parents, we had lived longer then they had! Our advantage that worked to their advantage was “the wisdom of years.”
Our other son-in-law and daughter, Duane and Andrea, didn’t want all that public stuff. Different people are different! That was fine. We tried our best to do what they wanted to do.
Andrea got engaged on the same day that my wife and I celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Andrea and her husband now (her “betrothed” at the time), went with us on a boat cruise. No, it wasn’t a gambling cruise. It was one of these boat cruises where you have prime rib dinner and beautiful scenery, and so on.
So they went with us, Andrea thought, to take movies of us as we celebrated the anniversary of our engagement. Little did she dream that Duane had already bought her ring and was going to ask her to marry him. And Andrea is one of these people that you can’t ever surprise, because she always figures everything out ahead of time!
Well, we got the movie of Duane asking her to marry him. Andrea also didn’t know that she wore her engagement ring in her corsage that night! Duane said. “Would you take your corsage off?” And she said, “What?” He had just asked her to marry him so she was already in somewhat of a daze. Then he asked her to take off her corsage. You should’ve seen Andrea’s eyes when a beautiful diamond ring came slipping out of that rose!
Betrothing keeps the priority on the right relationship so that we were able to do all kinds of incredibly romantic and creative things. I challenge you to ask my son-in-laws whether it was really all that bad hanging around Mom and Dad so much. We let them talk. We allowed them to plan. We encouraged their love and commitment.
5- Betrothing puts someone in charge who can think more clearly. Luke 1:17 refers to "the wisdom of the just," talking about the parents. Whatcouple do you know of, young or old, who get caught up in the emotion of love who think clearly? I’ve seen 70 and 80 year old’s with “goo goo” eyes! I have a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip where Calvin says to Hobbes, “What’s it like to fall in love?” The tiger Hobbes says, “Well, say the object of your affection walks by.” “Yeah?” “First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. The condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like an idiot til she leaves.” Calvin says, “That’s love?” Hobbes says, “Medically speaking.” And Calvin says, “Phooey, that happened to me once, but I figured it was the cooties.” Parents usually think more clearly than do their unmarried children. A wise parent is going to want to know some things. They’re going to want to know what kind of daughter a girl is at home. Does she respect her Dad, help her Mom, and get along with her sisters? Is she a servant? Is she a hard worker? Can she cook, sew, clean house, and take care of children? Does she go into a frenzy at the sight of a dirty diaper? Is she loving and submissive to her parents? How about the young man? The wise parent is going to be wondering: How does he treat his Mother? Does he have self control? Is he diligent? Does he know how to yield his rights instead of demanding his rights? Does the thermostat have to be set for him or set for others? Is he even tempered or does he explode when things don’t go like he wants. Is he polite, is he kind, is he respectful? Those are the things that parents are going to be looking for.
6 - Betrothing establishes and enhances communication between parents and children. Do you know what has happened with communication in our day? It looks like a triangle that starts wide at the bottom and tapers to nothing at the top. Many parents communicate with children until they get into their teen years. But when teens start in the dating game the communication shuts off almost completely. I see that happen with so many young people. What should communication be like? It should be like an upside down triangle. When children are smaller, there doesn’t need to be the depth and breadth and richness of communication that is needed as they grow older. If you do what I’m describing, instead of communication going up and then shutting off, communication will go up and expand and explode. My wife’s and my experience with betrothing with our two oldest daughters was this: We found Betrothing to be the final thread that tied out hearts closely together and enhanced the communication between us to levels unknown when our girls were younger. It has also been a joy to see those levels of communication transfer over to their mates at marriage.
7- Betrothing solves the problem of getting “cold feet” and calling off a marriage. Maybe you think that’s not a big deal. I want to tell you it is a big deal. The statistics say that 40% of all engagements are called off! I know of a couple who were engaged and planning to be married. Then she got cold feet and called off the marriage. Then she moved in with the guy. Eventually they did get married. But then they have this baggage of the consequences of their sin that they have to take with them into marriage.
8 - Betrothing gives the parent the opportunity to see the virtues and the faults in a future mate and either encourage or correct them. As the parents see the virtues in this future mate, the parent is able to give them praise. As they see the faults, they’re able to help correct them. A good parent is always working on their own child - studying them, teaching them, correcting them, and helping them change. But the best parent will miss something. Before a marriage can be a very teachable time. There was built-in motivation for both Daniel and Duane because they wanted my daughters! It was amazing how well they listened to me because they knew they couldn’t get my daughter without going through me. Who’s going to change a young woman or man after marriage? What motivation is there for them to change after marriage? Almost none. That’s also what I’m talking about when I talk about the dowry. This teachableness - they need to be willing to pay the price of you teaching them. I remember one day when Duane came out to the house. I would have the guys come out whenever they could and spend time with me. The side benefit was that they got to see the girls! Duane was out helping me cut down trees and also cut up logs for the fireplace. We were walking back to the house after several hours of hard, sweaty, dirty work. Duane laughed, wiped his forehead, and said, “Thank the Lord, one more day’s payment on the dowry is made!”
9 - Betrothing helps establish a chain of counsel for couples for the future. Getting married doesn’t solve all the problems of life. In fact, it creates some new ones that were not there before! Who is perhaps best to help and bless and challenge and lift and encourage? Parents who are wise can become some of the best counselors. Let me make this clear. I’m not talking about interfering in their marriage. I believe that what I’m about to say is a compliment to Daniel and Dawn and Duane and Andrea. I’m amazed at how much counsel they seek. I try my best not to interfere. I honestly do. I tell them all the time, “Look, it’s your marriage. But if you want anything, I’m glad to help any way I can.” I don’t claim to know everything, but I’ve lived awhile. And I’ve studied the Word of God for awhile. And I’ve walked with God for awhile. And I’ve learned a few things about relationships and finances and legal things and decision-making, and so on. So these young men who are now my son-in-laws, whom I love like sons, come to me and say, “Dad, could you help me with this? Tell me about this. What do you know about this?”
10 - Betrothing keeps the emphasis on the will of God instead of on human emotions.
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Pitfalls In Betrothing
Here are some dangers you have to watch for:
1 -Failing to wait on God.
You feel like you just have to do something! “Oh, my! My son’s not married and he’s 20 years old. What am I going to do?!”
“Oh, my poor daughter’s going to be 16 an she doesn’t have a boyfriend! She’s going to be and old maid for the rest of her life! Oh! Everybody else is dating! Everybody else has a boyfriend!”
All you have to do is watch and pray and wait. Sometimes we say that children move to fast. I’ve seen parents who move too fast!
2 - The Parent’s feeling that the child’s mate has to be “perfect”.
My son-in-laws are not perfect. But that works the other way as well! Their father-in-law is not perfect either!
But this area tends to be a problem at first with a girl’s father in particular. We fathers like to protect our girls. And it’s like there is not a guy anywhere around who’s going to do as good a job protecting my little girl as I’ve done. Amen?!
I haven’t had any boys, but I’ve talked to fathers who did, and I listened to what they told me. Now there might be exceptions to this, but every father I’ve talked to said, “Bro. Davis, it was rougher giving my girls away then it was letting my boys go. It’s because I was the protector for my girls.”
Don’t look for perfection in a young man. Look for the direction in which he’s headed. If he’s headed the right way, he’ll wind up in the right place. If he’s teachable, you can help him get there faster.
3 - The Parent trying to get their child to break things off with one already betrothed.
You’ve already allowed these two young people to spend time together. They feel like they are God’s choice for each other’s life. You’ve given them permission to move that direction, and now you’ve suddenly changed your mind.
I want to tell you that what you have at this point is little better than dating, and in fact may be worse. You could devastate your child’s emotions. You may lose your child’s heart and forfeit any future opportunity to practice betrothing at all.
The Biblical example of betrothing is that it is a secure relationship. I’m not saying that a betrothing relationship can never be changed. NO ONE SHOULD MARRY SOMEONE WHOM THEY ARE NOT CONVINCED IS GOD’S CHOICE FOR THEIR LIFE! However, the only example you have in the whole Bible where a betrothing relationship was broken off was in I Samuel 18:17-19 where Saul had promised his daughter Merab to David. King Saul is clearly not the kind of man who can be used as a wise example. I’m not saying you can’t back out if you realize you’ve made a mistake. I am saying you better move very carefully.
4 - A Parent trying to do betrothing who does not really have their child’s heart.
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Two Commonly Asked Questions
Q: What about young people without Christian parents?A: They can still seek the counsel of their parents, as God will often give protection and guidance, even through lost parents. They should also seek the guidance of their pastor or other Godly individuals.
Q: What about students at Bible College?
A: They could still seek to be a one man/one woman person by being friends with all and not becoming seriously involved with one person without the guidance of parents of designated Godly authority figures.
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