Over the years, I've accumulated quite a few emails listing all sorts of crazy interpretations of the English language. As an English major who tries to reinvent language itself, I find these highly amusing. I've listed them all here for your enjoyment.
Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What a British barber does for a living.
Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Lymph - v., to walk with a lisp.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as glueing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. (Dude!)
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
