"...I see you wish to leave. Here is a window. Let me help you..." ---anon.

"...Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian..." ---Dennis Wholey

"...Drive-thru banking was invented so cars could meet their true owners..." ---Ron Picavet

"...[Suggestion for a simplified tax form:] How much money did you make last year? Mail it in..." ---Stanton Delaplane

"...We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons..." ---Alfred E. Newman

"...The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage..." ---Mark Russell

"...To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer..." ---The Farmer's Almanac

"...If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done..." ---anon.

"...When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane..." ---anon.

"...The secret to flying lies in being able to throw yourself at the ground and miss..." ---anon.

"...Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth..." ---Daria

"...There can not be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full..." ---Henry Kissinger

"...If I die, I forgive you. If I recover, we shall see..." ---Spanish Proverb

"...If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything..." ---anon.

"...Someday we'll look back on all of this and plow into a parked car..." ---Unknown

"...Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity..." ---Unknown

"...To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so..." ---Orben's Current Comedy

"...If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..." ---Earl Wilson

"...I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves..." ---anon.

"...Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..." ---Dennis Fakes

"...True terror is waking up one morning and realizing your high school class is running the country..." ---Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

"...Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being followed..." ---Unknown

"...He who laughs last, thinks slowest..." ---Unknown

"...The fact that people believe they are intelligent, proves their stupidity..." ---Unknown

"...Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were..." ---anon.

"...After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident it makes you wonder about history..." ---anon.

"...If you're going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it..." ---anon.

"...By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong..." ---Charles Wadsworth

"...Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating..." ---anon.

"...Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good..." ---anon.

"...Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life..." ---anon.