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SURGERY
(Submitted by: Linda (Wiz)in WA.)

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and butt are interchangeable."

.»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»..»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»..»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«.

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good
egg
even though you're slightly cracked.
.»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»..»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»..»§«:*´`³¤³´`*:»§«.

SPELL A WORD
[Submitted by: Debbie W. in Maryland]

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it
to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates
for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching
the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold,
a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said,
"I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident.
And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia"

SUBJECT: SATAN
(Submitted by: Linda (Wiz) in WA.)

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown
got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except
for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . .
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 year.

FRECKLES

A grandmother and a little girl whose face was sprinkled with
bright red freckles spent the day at the zoo.
The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted
by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a boy in the line cried.
Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head.
Her grandmother knelt down next to her.
"I love your freckles," she said.
"Not me," the girl replied.
"Well, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles" she said,
tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
"Freckles are beautiful!"
The girl looked up. "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me
one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little girl peered into the old woman's smiling
face. "Wrinkles," she answered softly.

JOB INTERVIEW
[ Submitted by: Mary in W. VA. ]

Reaching The End Of A Job Interview,
The Human Resources Person Asked A Young Engineer
Fresh Out Of MIT, "And What Starting Salary Were You Looking For?"
The Engineer Said, "In The Neighborhood Of $125,000
A Year, depending on The Benefits Package."
The Interviewer Said, "Well, What Would You Say To A Package Of 5- Weeks Vacation,
14 Paid Holidays, Full Medical And Dental,
Company matching retirement Fund To 50% of Salary,
And A Company Car Leased..Every 2 Years - Say, A Red Corvette?"
The Engineer Sat Up Straight And Said,
"Wow! Are You Kidding?"
And The Interviewer Replied, "Yeah, But You Started It."

YOU'RE NOT OLD UNLESS YOU CAN REMEMBER...
Submitted by: (Bab's in VA)

...Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
...When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
...When there were two types of sneakers for boys: high tops and low tops.
...When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
(And shirts tucked in, belts had to be worn, and skirts no higher than mid-knee.)
...When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
(Remember watching test patterns, and that itty-bitty screen?)
...When nearly everyone's parents smoked and cigarettes were $3.00 a carton.
...When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
(Usually with hot homemade cookies and milk.)
...When nobody owned a purebred dog.
...When a dime was a decent allowance, and
a quarter a huge bonus. (And penny candy?)
...When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
...When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
...When all your teachers wore either neckties or
had their hair done, every day.
...When you got your windshield cleaned,
oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, for free, every time.
(And gas was 19 cents a gallon?)
...When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him,
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody,
not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
...When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to
dinner at a REAL restaurant with your parents.

ROBBERY
[ Submitted by: Marie in MO. ]

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded
the tellers and clerks into the vault. They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of
the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? Because I'm five thousand short."

Today's Stock Market Report...

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

3 Blondes and the light bulb..

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb.
One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

COMPUTER TERMS

OH MY GOD!!

At a lunch break, Costigan who was Irish started talking to Clark, who was a Protestant.
"Do you know the difference,' asked Costigan, "between a baseball game and a Protestant Sunday School".
"Tell me," said Clark.
"At a Protestant Sunday School they sing 'Stand Up For Jesus,'
and at a baseball game they holler, " 'Sit down, for God’s sake !!'

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF....

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the heck are you looking at, Dingbat?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

Henpecked husband

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said.
"Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.
He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled,
"From now on you're taking orders from me.
I want my supper right now, and when you get it
on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.
Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong.
Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?
"I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."

SENIORS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS

- Band-Aids
- Hearing aids
- Walking Aids
- Medical Aids
- Government Aids
- Most of all Monetary Aids to their kids!!!

Subject: Math is Serious

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards,
special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down
& enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face.
He doesn't kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying his math.
Books and papers are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed.
She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches
back to his room without a word and in no time he is
back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for some time, day after day while the
mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card.
He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.
With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and
to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his
room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
"Well then," She replies "was it the books,
the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"
Little Tommy looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

2000 SURVIVAL KIT

(Submitted by: Marie....Missouri)

A survival kit that contains the following :
-An eraser, so you can make all your troubles disappear.
-A penny, so you never need to say you are broke.
-A marble, in case someone says you've lost all of yours.
-A rubber band, to stretch yourself beyond your limits.
-A string, to tie things together when everything falls apart.
-And hugs and kisses to remind you that someone, somewhere, cares.

WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?

Let's see...I think it might have started when Madeline Murray O'Hare
complained that she didn't want any prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you had better not read the Bible in school
the Bible that says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.
Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we
might damage their self-esteem.
And we said, an expert should know what he's
talking about so we won't spank them anymore.
Then someone said that teachers and principals better not discipline
our children when they misbehave.
And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch
a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity,
and we surely don't want to be sued. And we accepted their reasoning.
Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want,
and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, that's a grand idea.
Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and
they're going to "do it" anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want,
so they can have all the "fun" they desire, and we won't have
to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, that's another great idea.
And then some of our top elected officials said that it doesn't matter
what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And agreeing with them,
we said it doesn't matter to me what anyone, including what the President,
does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good.
And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women
and call it wholesome down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body.
And we said we have no problem with that.
And someone else took that appreciation a step further and published
pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them
available on the internet. And we said they're entitled to their free speech.
And the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that
promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music
that encourages homosexuality, rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.
And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect,
and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Therefore, now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience,
why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers,
their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
I think it has a great deal to do with... "we reap what we sow."

This was passed on by a man named Clarence Schultz, who wrote down some of his thoughts.
He is a minister and retired Navy chaplain -

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Created: January 10, 1999 ... Last update: August 18, 2000

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