Jokes, Humor & humorous Poetry at Jules Place

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Mrs. Jones
(Submitted by: Patricia (Silkylady)..Ontario, Canada )

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors
to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

MAKING A POINT
(Submitted by: BARB from VA.)

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.
"What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Blonde story to end all blonde stories!
(Submitted by: Debbie...MD. USA)

A True Story...if she had killed herself, God forbid,
she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!),
new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried,
she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect
working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(remember, this is true.......)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Life after death???
(Submitted by: Marie...Missouri, USA)

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

The D.V.M. & The M.D.

Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions:
I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly
wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN
WORKING AT THE COMPUTER

10: The monitor is up on blocks.
9: Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8: The six front keys have rotted out.
7: The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6: The numeric key pad only goes up to six.
5: The password is "Bubba".
4: There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3: There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2: The keyboard is camouflaged.
1: The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Those Dirty Words

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her
mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words...
You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
Honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful!
COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible.
Words like DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK"

Oh lookie...my son sent me one :-)

What Color?????
(Submitted by: Raymond G. ..Arkansas)

A contractor proud of the new house he had built for
the new couple, takes the Mrs. to the master bedroom and asks her what color she would like it painted
.She replies a "nice soft lavender".
He says OK and walks to the window, raises it and speaks outside saying "green side up ! "
He takes her downstairs to the living room and
asks her which color she would like it.
She replies "a slate blue".
the contractor raises another window and shouts "green side up !".
He ushers her into the kitchen and asks which color, she says " a pale yellow".
Again he rushes across room to another window and shouts "green side up !".
The lady quite upset now says, "Sir are you even listening to me,
each time I say a color , you open a window and say "green side up", just what is going on??".
"Beg your pardon Ma'am, I am having the sod put down today by a new crew of blondes !"

Three Dogs !!
(Submitted by: Patricia (Silkylady)..Ontario, Canada)

A lady was in the park walking her 3 dogs.
When a lady jogging by saw the dogs and stopped to talk to talk to her.
You have some beautiful dogs she says as she pets them, may I ask their names?
The owner thanks the lady and says their names are ..
Hercules...
Beethoven...
and Einstein
The jogger looks at the dogs...looks at the owner...and replies...
"Very unusual names...how did they come by those"?
The lady points at each dog replying...
Hercules is the strongest of the three
Einstein is the smartest of the three.
She stops to take a drink of water...
the jogger looks at her and says...
Beethoven? What does that mean?
Beethoven He is the peeinist of the three!!!!!!!!

BLONDE SOCIAL CLIMBER
(Submitted by: Marie...Missouri, USA)

This blond decided to dye her hair brown, then to celebrate
her new image, she took a motor trip across country.
Way out in the sticks she came across a farmer leaning against
a fence post, watching his large flock of sheep.
"I need a pet," she decided, stopping the car.
She walked over to the farmer and asked,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock will you give me one?
I'd like a pet."The farmer agreed.
The gal looked over the flock for a few seconds, then declared,
"You have 253 sheep here."
"That absolutely correct," the amazed farmer stated.
"I'll keep my end of the bargain.
You pick one of the sheep for your pet."
She did and as she was getting back into her car, the farmer approached her.
"I've got a proposition for you, Miss.
If I can guess the true color of your hair, will you give me back my dog?"

THE ANGRY WIFE

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you
to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast".

"The Blonde and the Motor Home"
[ Submitted by "Debbie in MD." ]

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it.
She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize.
She pull off the tab and yells,
"I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says,
"You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

"It all depends on the way you look at things."
[ Submitted by "Debbie in MD." ]

One day a father and his rich family took his son on a trip to
the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be.
They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.
When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"Very good Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Yeah Dad I did!"
"And what did you learn?"
The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden,
they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars.
Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.
His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor WE are!"

Isn't it true that it all depends on the way you look at things?
If you have love, friends, family, health, good humor
and a positive attitude towards life-you've got everything!
You can't buy any of these things, but still you can have all
the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for
the future, etc., but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing!

Subject: Did you know??
(Submitted by: Debbie W. ..Maryland)

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened making the bed firmer to sleep on.
That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet.
(developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications).
3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
4. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on theground, the .50 caliber machine gun
ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
7. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
8. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose"
vehicle, G.P.
9. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
10. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.
11. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
12. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
13. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
14. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
15. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
16. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
17. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
18. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
19. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
20. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than
all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
21. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
22. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers
got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints
and quarts and settle down. It's where we Get the phrase
"mind your P's and Q's."
23. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their
ceramic cups.When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.