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~~~THE CENTIPEDE ~~~

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores,
so he decided to get a pet to help out.
He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for
advice on a suitable animal.
The owner suggested a dog,but the man said,
"Nah, dogs can't do dishes."
The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said,
"Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you.
It can do anything!"
OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and
took it home.
Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes.
The centipede looks over and there are piles and
piles of dirty dishes that looked to be a month old.
Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away.
Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the
dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless.
Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea.
"Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede,
and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned.
30 minutes later and still no centipede.
45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting,
so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede.
"Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago
and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!!!"

THE THREE WORKERS

Three men atop a huge building in the midst of being built.
The first opens his lunch and says damn another bolonga sandwich.
" I tell you Fred if I get another bolonga sandwich tomorrow I will jump off this building.
I work to hard to just get this stuff".
The second guy Tom, opens his lunch to find the same and agrees to the same pact.
Finally Ralph opens his lunch and yes he also finds a bolonga sandwich,
frustrated he agrees to the pact to jump.
Next day Tom opens his lunchbox and is joyous and relieved when he finds he has ham and cheese sandwich.
Fred also is happy because he finds a tuna sandwich.
Alas, Raplh opens his and finds yet another bolonga sandwich and sadly
he shows it, then he leaps off the building to his demise.
Fred looks at Tom and says "geesh I feel bad for Raplh he was a good worker".
Tom replies , "I dont , Heck he fixes his own lunch!"

HUNTERS

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume
and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume,
lure in the bull, then come out
of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their
costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by a bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, the bull answered, and came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said,
"OK, lets get out and get him".
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?".
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass,
but you better brace yourself!"

BURGLAR

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner,
he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller "JESUS".

DOCTOR'S ORDERS

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said: "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Fighting With the Wife

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.

The Senility Prayer
[ Sumitted by: Linda Z. ]

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

You know youre a Redneck if...
Marv Humbles via Jan B.

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side...
2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...
3. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...
4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...
5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart...
7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...
8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...
9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...
10. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...
11. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph...
12. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
13. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...

"The Rabbit"
[ Submitted by "Barb in VA." ]

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm WESTING".

Little David

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little one's chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.
Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never
got a response to equal four-year old David's comment.

Gently he tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen," she said. "What do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked
up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping
deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin
and he asked, "Is that GOD knocking?

Jesus and Satan
[ Submitted by "SANDY" ]

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously,
lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!
How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."
[ Author Unknown ]

Diminutive lawyer

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked
by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living.
The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."
"Very likely you could," replied the other.
"But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket
than you ever had in your head."

Divorce

Wife: You just don't care anymore!
Husband: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better?
Wife: Like what?
Husband: How about a trip to Europe?
Wife: No.
Husband: What about a new Jaguar?
Wife: No.
Husband: Well, what DO you want?
Wife: A divorce.
Husband: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.

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Created: January 10, 1999 ... Last update: August 18, 2000

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