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ICE FISHING
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he comes across a nice patch of ice. He walks out to the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky and says, "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under that ice." Again, the drunk stops and looks around but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries once more to finish the hole. Before he can begin cutting, the loud voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish here!" The drunk, now flustered and somewhat scared, asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish here? Are you God?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink.
The drunk, now flustered and somewhat scared, asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish here? Are you God?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink.
FADING MEMORY (Submitted by Donna S. in Oregon (U.S.A.)
An elderly couple was sitting on the sofa holding hands. The man said he was going to the kitchen for some ice cream and asked his wife if she wanted some. She said she did and he asked if she wanted chocolate on it. She said she did. As he headed for the kitchen she said, "You better write it down." He ignored that suggestion. After a while, he returned from the kitchen with a steaming hot plate of scrambled eggs. She looked at it and said disgustedly, "I told you to write it down. You forgot my bacon."
80-year-old Man An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun." "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear." "Exactly."
THE RETIRED ARMY OFFICER!!!!! [ Submitted by: Lt.Col. E. Culbertson (Ret.) ]
A retired army officer goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was 'tooting' because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the the retired officer returns. "Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my toot's, although still silent, stink terribly". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the the retired officer returns. "Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my toot's, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Mean Moms
Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break theChild Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting,vandalizing other's property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million other things other kids did. Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.
MIDDLE AGE (Submitted by: Linny Z. in WA.)
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
CAR SALESMAN
A new car salesman accompanies a client on a test drive of the latest model in his showroom. "Note the advanced technology that allows you to select a radio station of your choice without your hands leaving the steering wheel "intoned the salesman, "Try it out. Say Rock." The prospective buyer obliged and said "Rock." Sure enough the radio automatically recognized the word and selected a Rock and Roll station. "This is wonderful!" exclaimed the test driver, "Let's see if this voice recognition really works!" "Be assured that the technologic advances in this radio not only recognize you voice but have the "ability" to respond to your command." replied the dealer. With that the buyer tried "News" and the news station came on. He tried "Classic" and the local classical music station came on and so on. He seemed mesmerized with his ability to verbalize a command and instantly hear the radio comply by changing to the station of his choice. All of a sudden without warning another driver cut in front of the demo car almost resulting in a collision. "IDIOT!" cried out the prospective buyer. Instantly the radio station changed to Rush Limbaugh.
WHEN LIFE BEGINS
(Submitted by: Kas....Canada)
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi."Life begins when the children have graduated fromcollege and moved out of the house."
Two Old Men (Submitted by: Patricia "Silkylady"..Ontario Canada )
Two men were sitting on the porch of the old folks home. One man looked at the other.. Tomorrow I will celebrate my 80th birthday! The other man...lowers his glasses... Looks at his friend...and replies... HOW?????
Lookin' fer a Dayvorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of the, dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way, why do you want a divorce?" "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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