number 2 december 1996
Aİİİİ Institute, on the eve of its newly recycled blazing star-studless ninth debut onto the known world (England, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Canada, the USA and just possibly the Netherlands) stage, an event so incredible that words such as stupendous and monumental fail to give adequate description of its importance to world history, recently threw its membership into a frenzy of apparent contradiction with an ominous missive from its Clothing Council. members, many in their fifties, have been judged by the Council as being incapable of dressing themselves properly for the needs of the "new" mission which is designed to make Aİİİİ the leading growth religion on the planet, replacing Scientology and Islam, by the beginning of the next century. they were informed that in the new Aİİİİ wave, they MUST present themselves AS THEY ARE. at the same time they were informed that that didn't actually mean as they actually are, which is not regarded as spiffy enough, so they were ordered to change themselves in order to become AS THEY ARE while in fact being something else. immediate consensus was reached on the need for this. but the many shoeless Aİİİİİs, who joined in the seventies, were particularly confused about the requirement that everyone - no exceptions - must now wear shined shoes. a common question was: "can't we just polish our feet?" more advanced and modern Aİİİİİs fretted over the problem of their exotic and expensive and multi-colored running shoes. could they be polished? how many colors were acceptable? debates raged on the private Aİİİİ web site: Florsheim, Gucci, Buster Brown, Russell & Bromley? a rumour spread that Lanvin (who emphatically denied ever hearing of the group) was making special shoes color-coded to the degree of enlightenment claimed by each and every Aİİİİİ. above the feet, confusion reigned as well. the dress code called for "smart academic". as few Aİİİİİs are familiar with current practice in universities where such garments may be found, many were seen, on the rare occasions when the ill-dressed creatures were allowed entry by security guards, prowling the corridors and classrooms of the nation's most respected educational institutions, ogling for clues and above all, the flash of a label that would confirm acceptability. Versace or Chanel or Laura Ashley or Escada? Brooks Brothers, Hugo Boss, Calvin Klein or Brioni? Barney's, Macy's or Wal-Mart? L.L. Bean's, Techno or Clothes R Us? fortunately some items were left to individual discretion. nose, navel and eyebrow rings were not forbidden. neither were such popular Aİİİİİ hairstyles as spiky violet or the omnipresent Aİİİİ symbol (the copyright sign) shaved into the skull, a creative (who says A-bots R not?) practice inititated by a Vietnam era helicopter gunner turned apologist who also discovered the secret to saving Humanity One is buying a chunk of land and retiring to Hawaii. He apparently he had a flashback and is reliving the sixties. on the behavioral side, Aİİİİİs were informed they would have to learn to read aloud from behind a lecturn without any mannerisms whatsoever, to further reinforce the fact that that they must appear to be what they are not and that they should immediately begin practicing the art. some questions were raised about wearing monocles, suitable literacy courses and about the permissibility of removing hands from pockets to turn pages of text or if use of the teeth was the preferred method. the Ethics Council and thirty-two other Councils, upon referral from the Clothing Council, have taken the latter matter under advisement.
those averse to objective criticism will probably want to miss the next issue of velocity watch: fun, games and deception in Aİİİİ finances. cancel your subscription now! velocity watch is a samizdat publication of the friends of fletcher christian fishing club and esoteric society. reproduction or redistribution with credit is perfectly okay.
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