ALL NEW IMPROVED AUTOROBOTRIFIX © training. Part 1
"It was quiet in the darkened hall. Then all eyes fixed on the hypnotic Arica symbol as the strobe began to flash. Occasionally I would hear a scream and the sounds of rapidly retreating footsteps. The smell of vomit hung heavily in the air. Two trainees to my right fainted. It seemed a long moment had passed by the time the strobe burnt out. I glanced at my watch to see it had been in fact 16 hours.
"An Arican in an orange plaid Brioni suit and violet tie that depicted a faceless being in long robes, stepped up to the lectern. He wore a strange metal helmet with a spike on top. It took me a while to remember where I had seen one before, in a photo of Kaiser Wilhelm II. I felt embarrassed about my lack of current fashion knowledge. Something seemed odd about the Arican's face, then, with rattling intake of breath, I realized that it's face was completely blank, absent of any mannerisms or expression. It was if the eyes, nose and mouth had been painted on. A splendid example of individuality transcendence a prime Arica Cult Hive ™ goal. "The Arican began to speak, but there was something odd about the sound. Then I realized he was just opening and closing his mouth in sync with a recording being played over the loudspeakers. Sort of Karaoke without the music, Arikokee in Arica-Speak."
During one of the 62 breaks during our interminable weekend, I walked over to the buffet and asked the Aricabot for a, "triple Campari, no ice, no twist, no plastic". The A-bot acted a bit stunned, then as if it hadn't heard, shoved a plate of cookies at me, and said, quite clearly and distinctly and with, I must admit, total conviction and sincerity: "These are sugar-free". I shook my head at the enlightened one. It was one of those disconcerting A-bots with no face, lips only appearing on the blankness when it spoke. I was starting to rephrase my question when It again said, more loudly but with equal sincerity: "These are sugar-free", blankly staring into blankness. Remembering that discretion is the better part of valor, I mumbled "no thank you" and slipped quietly down the table and grabbed an empty styrofoam coffee cup - fuck the environment - and poured myself a stiff jolt of Campari from my all plastic flask. (I had been clued in about the airport metal detector all Arica trainings use on all participants, staff and Arica-shills included, to ferret out weapons like tape recorders or cameras, pencils, pens or scraps of note paper. They are planning to install electronic bug detectors, so creative HiveBots initiated a campaign for members to save up empty aluminum cans. I was immediately surrounded by several Aricans attracted by their natural suspicion of outsiders and I suppose, and the flash of red color. I gestured meekly to my cup and roughed out the words "prescription cough syrup" holding up the slip of paper signed and stamped by my doctor. (Campari is actually pretty good cough syrup by the way.)
There was some hesitation and the group of three quickly formed into four or five committees to "process" the problem. In the subsequent total confusion I slipped away, drained my cup and poured another. Most of the Aricans in attendance formed committees during the breaks. There were at least 900 committees at any given break I would guess. Awesome is not a word I would use for this habit. Sometimes one person would have to be on thirty or forty committees at the same time. The AV:SD (Arica Velocity: Speed of Decision) is well known for its uncanny ability to imitate the process leading to the formation of coal.
There were over 300 Arica training staff and assistants, about the same number of Aricans as shill-trainees (Apparently that is a really important life-style option for them. They go over and over again to the same trainings, I guess trying to figure out what is going on.) and three of us, members of Humanity One ™ (Unusually, even for an entity as avaricious as they are, the AricaCultHive has trademarked the human race.). We were easy to spot because we were under continual observation by at least a dozen "relaxed and casual" Aricans at any particular moment. Witnessing them manifest the Freedom of Enlightenment is quite something else.
I always thought my eyesight was okay until Arica. I thought there were six or seven colors in the rainbow. I'm still looking for shocking pink - which I associate with high heels, white poodles and bleary eyed breakfasts in Miami Beach - in rainbows, but it still eludes me. In the background I could still hear the A-bot rambling over and over "these are sugar Free". Finally a master-level-trainer, sensing trouble, shut him off. I later heard there are a series of four toe switches, THKR, that are set for such emergencies. They continually cause problems. But, according to Hawaii, where Arica R&D is located, progress is being made every day. R&D researches and develops ways to prevent the valuable part of the spiritual work appropriated by Arica from being presented to the public (Humainty One ™) while simultaneously trying to maximise personal income and vanity from it. I turned and almost spilled my cup on the hovering replica of the Original Arican, the one in the Violet Brioni-Armani combination suit. He scowled, then quickly recovered and gave me a false grin. He had the most amazing teeth, they were engraved with a full set of Arica Yantras. Quite something really...." ......to be continued, © 1998 Sterling Doughty
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