Officer Humour

206's
The British Military writes performance ratings as Officer Fitness Reports. The form used by the Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are excerpts taken from actual "206's"

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• This officer is not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont-be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
• Technically sound but socially impossible.
• This officer reminds me of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• She sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This officer should go far - the sooner he starts, the better
• In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• The only ship I would recomend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the life guard wasn't watching.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
• Donated his body to science bofore he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming.
• Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
• It takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but hamster is dead.
• A room temperature IQ.

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:-

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a light house. Your call.