A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

The light went out, but where to?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Can you find 16 books of the Bible in the paragraph below?

Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling My Father's House.

Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for a request. Press 2 for a thanksgiving. Press 3 to complain. For all other inquiries, press 4."

So you press 1 and hear: "We're sorry. All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

What would it be like if you heard the following responses as you called God's answering machine?

"To receive the latest promotional gift with your order from Paradise Parlor, press 0, and an operator will assist you."

"To find out how many angels dance on the head of a pin, press 5."

"If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6."

"To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows."

"For reservation information or to confirm your reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6."

"To know what your pastor is doing at this moment, press 7."

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is, wait till you get here!"

"If you want to know what I think of American politics, don't press anything. Hang up and listen for laughter."

"Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."

"This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday." ----------------------------------

Thank God you can't call too often. You only need to ring once and God hears you.

Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal. God takes each call personally. God knows each caller personally:

"THEN YOU WILL CALL AND THE LORD WILL ANSWER; YOU WILL CRY FOR HELP, AND HE WILL SAY: HERE AM I (Isaiah 58:9).

(No offense to Christians of any of these particular Denominational or Theological persuasions).

1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

3. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

4. How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They always use candles instead.

5. How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

6. How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But they are still in darkness.

7. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? Change?????

8. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

9. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

10. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

11. How many independent Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

READ this sentence:

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

* Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Gentiles.

* Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

* Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

* Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

* The seventh commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

* The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

* Salome danced in 7 veils in front of king Harrod's.

* Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. See below for more information.

Many people forget the OFs!!!