"Quando Omni Rideo"....
When all else fails, laugh!
Ecclesiastes 3:4
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
ALL IN THE FAMILY
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
THE SIN OF LYING
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. And now I will proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
PAINT WELL THE CHURCH
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Methodist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of their church. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive,
he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened up. The rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold, landing on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do, Lord?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!!!
ON YOUR DEATHBED
Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. "Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody."
FINDING THE LORD....
A drunk is stumbling along on a Sunday afternoon and comes upon a Baptismal service being held down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands,
"For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "No, I didn't!" "Are you sure this is where he fell in?!?"
WALKING WITH LIGHTNING
A small child walked daily to and from school. The weather one morning was questionable, but the child made the daily trek to the elementary school anyway. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning.
The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child. So the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Following each roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.
Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look into the sky, and smile. One followed another, each time her child stopping, looking at the streak of lightning, and smiling.
Finally, the mother called out and asked, "What are you doing?" Her child answered,
"God keeps taking pictures of me."
ADAM'S MISTRESS
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with another woman, aren't you?!!" she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth!"
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!!"
THE OLD, DYING PRIEST
An old priest was dying. He sent a message to his lawyer and an IRS agent, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the lawyer and the IRS agent were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final hour. They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and their avaricious behavior, that had made them both squirm in their seats.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Father,why did you ask the two of us to come here today?"
The old priest mustered up some strength, then he said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too!"
CATHOLIC SCHOOL CHILDREN
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected for their incorrect spelling or grammer, so LOOK CLOSELY and read them VERY CAREFULLY.In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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