"Oh Dad! Get Real"

     A couple of years ago my son's birthday was approaching so I asked him what he wanted. He told me he wanted a pair of Air Jordan tennis shoes by Nike. Well this sounded reasonable, I figured they must be some kind of lightweight tennis shoe kind of like the old Converse and Red Balls I wore as a kid. You know inexpensive. I checked my wallet, hmm, two tens, a five, and a couple of ones waded up on the side. I was ready to go shopping.

     I went to the local Dollar General, they were five and dimes when I was a kid (Geez Inflation), but had difficulty finding them. I asked this young clerk, she seemed a really nice young lady who laughed and giggled a lot, where they might be. The Dollar General didn't have them but she kindly told me where I could find them.

     I walked into this sports clothing center that must have had thousands of tennis shoes. Rather dismayed, I asked a salesman for help. I gave him my son's shoe size, color preference and asked for a pair of those Air Jordans by Nike. In just a few moments he returned with a box and sat it on the counter in front of me. He then pulls out a pair of shoes that looked at least five sizes bigger than what I'd asked for. Then he starts telling me about their features. Features! What features? You put shoes on tie them, and you're off aren't you? Boy, was I ever in for an education. I listened attentively while he explained all the features and then he rang them up. Several minutes after the ambulance technicians were satisfied I'd not had a heart attack and would survive, I wrote a check larger than the yearly budget of some Third World nations and walked out with my son's birthday present.

     I guess I'm a little out of touch with the younger generation. I had a talk with my wife who was happy to point out just how out of touch I was. It seems that kids these days have to have all the latest, she called them "Designer", clothes and accessories.

     Pants? I wear them. I wear blue jeans too. The last blue jeans I bought were Levi's I'd paid five dollars each for during my senior year of high school and they lasted me several years. I finally threw them away when they had a few holes in them and the knees were getting thin. My wife tells me that now days my old jeans I'd thrown away would be in style as they were when I threw them away. I suggested to the kids that they go to the Salvation Army Bargain Barn, buy an old pair of jeans for a couple or three dollars and no one would know the difference. You'd have though I'd committed the most horrendous of crimes. I was told that it has to have the sale tag attached or it wouldn't do.

    I like t-shirts, as they're comfortable and useful. Seems that the latest fad in t-shirts is putting some guy's name on them and selling them for $17.99 each. I didn't catch on to this very fast. For the longest I thought I was seeing the influx of an entire clan of Hilfigers. It seemed there were an unusually large number in the family called Tommy then I figured, well hey, maybe this Tommy Hilfiger guy was some kind of cult leader with an ever-expanding young following. I was rather let down when I learned that it was just another line of clothing.

    Thinking about the shirts I became interested in the marketing concept so I went out and bought all of the Fruit of the Loom t-shirts that Kmart had. They were on sale at the time. I learned the art of screen-printing and I put my own logo on these shirts, "GOT BEERS". I priced them at $7.99 a shirt, a truly great value, and was ready to steal the market away from Mr. Tommy Hilfiger. With a catchy slogan like "GOT BEERS", by Beers Shirts, I had removed the Fruit of the Loom tags and had sewed my own in its place, I couldn't lose.

     Well they didn't go over too well. I sold a few to the local college kids and was perplexed about what to do with almost a thousand shirts with "GOT BEERS" printed on the front. My fortune hadn't been made and, in fact, I was in red ink with my great business venture. I had resigned myself to taking a loss when opportunity came knocking. A really caring organization called PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) decided to criticize the dairy industry for exploiting milk cows. They put together a nationwide campaign which included billboards and magazine ads depicting a large group of young people holding bottles and proudly displaying beer mustaches similar to the milk mustaches that the dairy industry uses in their ads.

     I immediately saw the connection between their ads and my t-shirts. I contacted the public relations director for PETA and convinced him that my shirts would be the perfect giveaway for the organization in their efforts to attract younger people to their cause. I discounted the shirts to $5.99 per shirt, plus shipping and handling of course, thus making a profit of well over a thousand dollars.

     My t-shirts were an instant success among the teen and college aged crowd. I envisioned producing many more shirts and making a hefty profit but for some reason, older, more conservative people thought that PETA's campaign was terrible and criticized them saying that it encouraged underaged kids to drink. So after much discussion and criticism PETA pulled their ads and canceled the ads thus dashing all my hopes of becoming rich.

You know? It sure is funny how fads come and go.

Randall J. Beers

© May 1st 2000

Note:

This is a work of fiction although many events are based on actual occurrences.