This is not very pretty and may even make you cry or get angry but please remember it is the past and God said we must forgive those who have hurt us and go on with our lives. Yes I know some of you are saying that is easer said than done. I have never said that it would be easy. It took me many years to forgive. And it was not easy. But God has told me to cleanse my soul of all that would stand in the way of my walk down His pathway torwards home. So I am writting this to try and make a final wash of my soul and heart. You must also know that what happned to me I have never told my brothers or my sister any of it. And what happned to me sexualy happend more times to my sister Linda. I did not know this tell just recently. I am very sorry sis and I love you very much.

I may jump around in the story and I pray you willforgive me if I do Sometimes it hurts so much that I have to find a happer time to think about.

I was born Febuary 2, l942. The name on My birth certificate for my father and mother says, Vera Hathaway and for my father, Bill Hathaway. Remember this becouse It will come up later in my life.

These were very hard times for everyone I was told. My sister Linda, who is four years older than I am told me we lived under a blanket streached out over a line for a very long time. Then daddy had a boxcar from and old train brought up on the mountian where we lived. Daddy was in the army so he wasen't there and my mother only came around when dads check came in the mail. My brother Bill, who was the oldest kept us alive by going down the mountian and milking a cow of the neighbors for Walter, one year older than I, and me. He cooked grass and anything he could find for Johnnie, Linda and himself. Linda said that one time he found a turtle and put it in the pot shell and all. When it was done they didn't know how to get the meat out so they just had the juice.

My very first memory was of a fire. I and my brother Walter were asleep in a dresser drewer. Linda and Johnnie who were only 5 and 6 went under the boxcar and set fair to it by placeing a bunch of leaves under there and setting fire to it. I remember seeing the flames. I was screaming becouse I was so scared. Walter was cying also. Linda said the neighbor lady saw the smoke and came to get us out. She got Walter out first then she got me out but not before it had started burning my rigtht thigh. Oh God how it did hurt. I remember screeming and no one seemed to hear or to care. To this day I am very scared of fire.

Bill said that not to long after this the courts came and took us away becouse I had almost died of rickets.

The next memory I have is at a foster home. I remember a big white farm house that had a white gravel road and a big oak tree beside the road. I remember seeing daddy walking down the road whith a smile on his face and I ran to him and he picked me up and put me on his sholders and carried me back to the house. Linda always ran and hid from him. I never knew why tell I got older. I believe I was about 5 at this time. Sometime after that Linda and I went to live with daddie and his wife Mary Lou.

This is where the bad times happen. I remember daddie comming home around 1 in the morning and jerking eather Linda or myself out of bed and beating us tell we were raw with welps all over us. Then he would lay us across the bed and pour rubbing alacol all over us just to hear us yell. I asked him why he did this and he would say "He wanted to make sure that If we did something wrong during the day and Mary Lou didn't catch it this would take care of it. My daddy was a very mean person. So was his wife.

I remember one time when Linda and I were out playing in the yard and Mary Lou came out and yelled at us becouse we didn't get the watermellon in the bathtub of ice water like she told us to. She grabed us both by the hear of the head and drug us over to the metal tub and put our heads in and held us down. We tried to figtht her but we couldn't. She would bring us up after a while and push us back down. She wanted to drown us I realy believed. Then she finealy pulled us out and beat each of us tell we bleed. That morning when daddy got home he pulled us both out of the bed and beat us again and then he also poured the alcohol on us also.

When I think about these things I know it was by the grace of God that Linda and I are alive today.

Daddy went to an auction once and brought home a mule. I named him Tink. I loved that mule. He was my mule. Every time daddy tried to get him to plow the garden old Tink would sit down and not move. Daddy would bet him with a board and still Tink wouldn't move. Then daddy would call me "Barbara Josephine you get out here and get on this mule"! You see old Tink wouldn't let anyone on his back but me. He wouldn't work for anyone but me. He was my mule and I loved him and he knew it. I got to ride while daddie plowed the garden. We always had a real nice garden cause Linda and I had to keep it weeded.

One day Mary Lou came outside and told me I had to let Linda ride my mule. Now Linda didn't want to ride old Tink but Mary Lou made her anyway. Well, I knew old Tink wasent going to let her on unless I told him it was ok. So I led him to a rock by the clothes line and told Linda to get on. She did and I led Tink a little ways close to another rock and told Tink "NOW" and he bucked her off right on that rock. Boy was it funny. Of course Linda didn't think it was funny. And neither did Mary Lou. Boy she pulled my pants down and spanked me hard. I guess I deserved that one. But was it ever fun.

We never had birthdays while were living there. We got one present on christmas and that was all. I remmber one christmas. Daddy asked us what we wanted and and Linda said she wanted a doll. I didn't want anyold doll cause that was sissie stuff. I wanted a cowboy outfit with guns. I just knew that was what I was going to get and I was realy excited Christmas morning. Dady gave Linda her present first and it was a pretty doll like she wanted. Then he handed me mine. I was so excited I tore it open real fast. I stoped and looked at it. It wasen't my cowboy outfit with a gun. It was a cowgirl outfit and no gun. I cried and I cried. Daddy asked me why I was crying and I told him, through my tears, that I wanted a cowboy outfit with guns not a cowgirl outfit. I was'nt a sissie and I wasen't going to wear a cougirl outfit. For The very first time in my life, and the last, daddy told her to take it back and get me what I had asked for. I realy loved my daddy that daya.

I remember the first time daddy cought me smokeing. My next door neighbor was an Indian boy named Ted Webster. We did everything to gether so I thought it was about time for him to learn how to smoke. So we went out to the canyon and set there and I was teaching him how to roll you own with HALF-HALF cigarette tobacto that I had stolen from daddie when he wasent home. Well we were doing pretty good tell daddy had to come out to take a dump. We had an outhouse but he liked to go off the side of the cliff. He came out there and we were so busy smokeing we didn't even see him untell he hollored "Barbara Josephine come here"! Well, I knew better than to run but Ted now let me tell you that boy could run and jumpe the finces real good. He was realy scared of my dad. I was also but I knew better than to run. Anyway Daddy grabed me by the hear of the head and drug me to the house. He cut a hand full of buck brushes off the tree and precided to beat me. When he got tired she took over and keep beating me. I tried to hide under the table but that only made them even madder. After they had beat me with all the switches Mary Lou got out her cowhide belt and started on me again. I was about 7 when this happned. after they got through with that then they made me smoke a cartoon of camels and when I had done that they made me smoke two great big cigars. Let me tell you I was one sick little girl.
The next day at school I got hit in the head with a rock. I was always takeing up for the kids that got picked on. My nickname was Joe. Anyway one of the little girls came and was crying to me saying "Joe he took my nickle for the trollie and now I don't have a way to get home cause I don't have another nickle." Well I took off down the hill after him and all the kids came behind me and then the nuns and the priest came after them. When I got almost to him at the bottom of the hill he crossed the street and picked up a rock and through it at me. I kept running as far as I could and the blood got in my eyes and I couldn't see anymore. Then I fell down. the prist came and picked me up and carried me to the doctors office. While he was doing this the other kids caught the boy and beat the snot out of him and gave the little girl back her money so she could get home. At the doctors office he sewed up my head and when he pulled down my paints to give me a shot he asked me what happned to me and I told him I fell out of a tree. I couldn't tell him my daddy beat me. I was to scared. Then they took off my clothes and saw all the marks on me. They knew what had happned but I didn't tell them. I was too scared.

I remember on day Johnnie was there for a visit and dad and Mary Lue were in town and Johnnie had a BB jun. He was aming it right at me and I kept hiding from him I looked under the old car setting in the yard an said "Ha ha you can get me!" Well the next thing I knew I was bleed in out my mouth. He had shot my tooth out of my mouth I was realy scared. When Daddy came home I was still bleeding and he asked me what had happned I old him I fell out of the tree. They took me to the dienist to get it fixed. The dr. asked me what happned and I told him I fell out of the tree. He told me that I could not have done that by faling out of a tree. I was realy scared cause I knew what daddie would do if he knew the truth. The dr told me that he wouldn't tell him is I would just tell him the truh. Well I did tell him and the doctor went and told my father after he told me he wouldn't. My father went to the Tulsa Boys Home, in Oklahoma, and grabed Johnnie off the baceball field and beat him right there in frount of all his friends and family. Johnnie cried and ran back into the home. Daddy took me home and he beat me and beat me. Then he laid me over the bed and poured alcohol all over me. So I got two beatings in one day.

I had to ride him down the canyon also to haul wood daddy cut. He would tie a big log behind him and we would pull it up the mountian to the house so daddy could cut it up. It was so cold when he did the cutting. He would build a fire in the crevice of a rock and wouldn't let us go get warm. He said that if we got too warm we wouldn't want to work. He would go in there all the time to get warm.

One time my best friend Ted Webester, who lived across the street, wanted to ride Tink. I told him that no one could ride him but me and he said,"I'm an Indian and I'm not scared of anything." So I said ok and got on the back and let him get on the frount. Well, I got Tink to going pretty fast and then I gabed him in the flanks and asid "NOW Tink`'' and he puat his head down and his feet stright out and Ted went flying off over his head. I thought I woud rool over dead with lauging at him Even Tink was laughing. Have you ever heard a mule laugh? Well iat's a real loud bray like He-ha over and over again. Now Ted never asked me to ride my mule again.,p.,p. One day daddy put Tink in the back of the truck and told me that he was going to take Tink to the glue factory becouse he wasen't good for anything at all. "I pleaded with him to please dont take my mule. Tinks a good mule. He works real hard. Please daddy don't take my mule I love him." "You don't love this mule and I'm going to take him becouse he will make good glue." I pleaded with him and he wouldn't listen to me. I cried and cried. He was taking the only thing I loved and that had ever loved me. To this day I love Tink. I know he is with god in heaven with all the other animals.

Now did I tell you That I was ornery? Well, I was. One day daddy brought home a load of pecan shells to go on the road. He told Linda and I to unload them. While we were unloading them I got Linda down and tied her hands and feet and put pecan shells all down her pants. Boy was she mad at me. She told me she was going to beat me up when I let her go. Well, I jumped out of the truck and was laughing at her because she was such a sight. When she got undone she started chasing me. I ran towanrd the canyons and when I got there I jumped them. I knew she wouldn't jump them because she was a sissy and was scared. I used to jump the canyons all the time. It was fun. Daddy called us and told us we were going into town. Linda and I jumped into the back of the truck and we all went to Sand Springs. Daddy stopped at an icecream store and when he came out he had one cone. He gave it to Linda and told me I couldn't have one becouse I was a bad girl. This hurt becouse I was just playing with Linda. I had to watch her eat that all the way home.

I remember the time he cut off my brades. I loved my brades. That was the only thing about being a girl that I liked. Linda was given some money for some work she had done for a neighbor and she had put it in a white tobacoo pouch and hung it on a nail by the frount door. One day she took the money to school and spent it. When daddy came home he got us up and asked us where the money was. Linda said she didn't know. That it was there this morning that I must have taken it. I told him that I hadn't taken it. I knew Linda had but I wasen't going to tell on her. He pulled off my clothes and beat me and then he cut off my brades. The spanking hurt but the brades hurt even more. I kept them for such a long time tell Mary Lou found them and through them away. That is why to this day I will not have long hear. Linda told one of the nuns at school what happned and she told her that she had to tell daddy. Linda was so scared. She told daddy and he did the same thing to her.

We used to go down the cayon and swim in a lake down there. Linda didn't know how to swim. She was very scared of the water. Mary Lou told daddy to throw her in to make her swim or drown. Well daddy picked her up and carried her out as far as he could walk and through her in. He told her she would eather swim or drown. She went down twice and I tried to help her but daddy grab me and told me that if I tried to help her he would drown me. After she went down twice she started dog paddling to the side and when she got there daddy went and threw her back in again. To this day Linda dosen't swim.

Walter who is one year older than I am loved daddy very much. One day daddy got mad at him and yealed at him "you aren't my son. Your just a bastard" This hurt Walter oh so very much. He went and climed his favoret tree and daddy told him, "you have to come down some time then I'll get you!" Well Walter stayed in that tree crying and didn't come down tell he knew daddy was asleep.

We lived about 10 miles from Sand Springs where we wen't to school. Daddy told us that if we ever missed the bus that we would have to walk home. That ment we had to cross the Arkansas River bridge. I was very scared of this bridge becouse it was very high and daddy had told us that if we ever fell into it that we would drown becouse it had wherrl pools in it and they would suck you up and pull you under and if you couldn't hold you breath long enough that you wold drown. I used to have nightmears about those pools. Any way we missed the bus. Which I found out later that Linda did it on purpuse. So that ment we had to walk home. I was alright tell we got to the bridge. Linda ran across and I got on my hands and knees and crawled and prayed. I couldn't look down and I couldn't close my eyes. I was so scared. When I got to the other side Linda was across the road talking to a lady and a man in a car. She told me to come on over that it was momma. I didn't know who this momma person was so I took off running up the hill towards home. When I got to the top I stoped and wated on Linda to catch up. When she got there she made me promise that I woldn't tell daddy or Mary Lou anything about seeing momma. She told me that this lady was my mother Vera. I never told anyone about that day. But this was the begenning of things to change in our lives.

I didn't know it but Linda had been talking to a social worker named Bob Talbet. He would come to the school and talk to Linda. She would tell him about the things that happned at home. He gave her his card and told her that if it got too roung at home to give him a call and he would take care of things. Back then their wasen't any laws about child abuse.

You may want to skip over this part of the story becouse it's not very nice.

My father started sexuly messing around with me when I was about 6 years old. The first time was when I had stayed home from school becouse I was sick. He came into my room and set on my bed and started rubbing my head telling me he was sarry I was sick and that he could make me better. I didn't know what he was talking about. He kissed me on my forhead and kept kissing me on down my body. Then he started messing with my privets. I tried to make him stop but he wouldn't. He kept this up for a very long time thn he went down on me. It hurt so much. All I could do was cry. When he got through he told me I had to get up and wash the blood out of the sheets before Mary Lou got home and to tell her that I had wet the bed so I had to wash the sheets. That was the begenning of hell. I have never told anyone of this. Not even my sister. I knew that if I did that he would kill me for sure. He's dead now and he can't hurt me anymore. Linda told me just recently that he did this to her many times. She was scared of him also.

A CHILDS PRAYER

I heard the prayer of my special child today.
I heard her cry out in such a painful way.
This prayer tore my heart and made me cry.
She kept asking over and over "God tell me why"?

"Why does daddy yell and hit me so very hard."
"All I was doing was getting real dirty in the yard."
"Why does he always scream God and cuss at me so?"
"God won't you please tell me cause I really need to know."

And God tell me why my mommie drinks so very much.
It's been such a long time God since I've felt her touch.
She's always angry God, she says it's cause I've been bad.
God tell me please do I have to always be so lonely and sad?

I know you love me God cause you told me you did.
You know God it's sure hard being a kid.
You know God if I didn't have you to talk to each day.
I don't think I could stand it I would probably run away.

Sometimes God I just want to come home to be with you.
Because there God I will always be happy and not ever blue.
No one will hit me or call me bad and ugly names.
No one will tell me they hate me it wouldn't be the same.

Thanks God for listening to my prayers tonight.
I'll try not to make them mad and do what's right.
And thanks God for the Angel you sent to keep me safe.
I'll try to make them happy God and keep a smile on my face.

Good night God and thanks again for loving me.
And oh yes God, when you look down, a smile you'll see.
Cause I know God no matter what else comes my way.
That you love me and you'll keep me safe some way.

bjw-l999

This prayer is for all those who had to hurt as I did as a child. I know you have prayed this prayer as I have. God bless each one of you. With much love, barb

I remember one night Mary Lou grabed Linda b the hear of the head and slamed her over and over against the wall. Then she would take the cowhide belt and beat her with that. Then she started over again slaming her against the wall. Johnnie came in and told her that if she sisn't sp that he was going to shoot her dog. The dog was in a cage out in the field becouse she was in heat. Daddy told him that if he shot the dog that he would rebrake his amkle that he had just gotten out of the cast. Johnnie went and got his 22 and shot at the dog. He didn't hit the dog but daddy grab him and started twisting his ankel trying to rebrake it. Marylou was still banging Linda against te wall. I was hiding under the kitchen table screaming "PLEASE STOP, PLEASE STop" she wouldn't stop she just kept on hitting her against the wall tell she passed out. The next day they took Linda to Juvinal hall. I was at the kitchen sink washing dishes when Johnnie came into the house and told me we were going to run away. I told him I wasen't running away becouse I had to be here when Linda came home. He told me Linda wasen't comming home. I told him yes she is. She will come back she wont leave me. He said that Mary Lou and daddy wouldn't let her come home. I was so scared I wanted my sister. Linda did come back. I knew she wouln't leave me I was about 8 when this happned.

It wasen't long after that that Mr. Talbet came and took Linda and I away from school. We went to a big building and Linda told me that this was a court house. She told me not to be afrade that everything was going to be alright. They took her in to a room and I had to wate outside with a lady. When she came out she was crying. They told me I had to go in this room. I was so scared. Why had Linda come out of there crying. When we got in there there was a man setting there with a black roab on. He smiled at me and told me not to be afrad that he wasen't going to hurt me. He put me on his lap and told me he needed to ask me a question. "Barbara we are going to placee your sister Linda in a home for protection and I want to know if you want to go with her." Now that was a stuped question I thought. I have never been away from my sister and no one was going to seperate us no. I told him that I wanted to go with my sister. That was the day Mr. Talbet took us to place called Saint John Vinnie School for girls. Let me describe this school to you. When we drove up the long driveway you could see the large fince with barbwire at the top. It had bars on all the windows. It was four stores high. It was a very scery site. When they got us to the door a nun opened the door. I was so scared I think I proubly squesed Linda's hand so hard it hurt. This nun said to come on in. She took us to a room off the frount door and told us to wate here while she got the mother superior. I don't know about Linda but I was scared. Real scared. When this real tall lady in black came in all you could see of her was her face and hands. I tried to hide behind Linda but this lady smiled and told me to come out that she wasen't going to hurt me. She held her hand out to me and wated. I looked at Linda and she told me to go on. So I took this lady's hand. Her name was Mother supeior. She took us down where all the, (300), girls were having dinner. I was so scared I could hardly eat. After dinner we went up stairs and they told us to take a shower becouse everyone was going to go to the gym to see a movie. We did and put on Pj's and then we all marched down to the gym to see a movie. Mother Supeior set me down by her and held my hand all during the movie. She new I was a very scared little girl. I was the youngest girl in this reform school. It was a place for very bad girls. The reason we were here was becouse Linda said they had no place to put us.

I Was about 12 or thirteen when this happned. I was very sick and I remember them puting me in a dark room all by myself. Right next to this room was the detention room. That is where they put you if you did something very bad. They have two girls setting out in front of the door watching every move you made. You were only allowed to move out of the cahir to go the bathroom or if it was time to go to bed. I don't know what she did but she was not very happy that she was there. I could hear her scream and cuss. The next thing I heard was her banging on the bars and then I was looking to see if I could see her from my window. All of a sudden I say her falling and she hit the sidewalk and splatred all over. I remember seeing Mr. Shoomaker come with a wheelbarrow and scooping her up with a shovel. I heard them talking and saying that she had gone crazy. That there was no way she could have pulled those bars off the window but that that is just what she did. I didn't sleep very good that night.

I remember my 8th grade gradguation. I was so happy that day. Linda was graduating from the 12th. We were all in the gym with our familys after the cermony. Mary Lou and dad was there and I was setting there with them wondering where Linda was. All of a sudden I saw her. She was with Vera our real mother. And our brother Johnnie. She didn't even look at me or anything. She just turned around and walked out of the gym with them. I did not understand what was happening. Where was my sister going? No one would tell me for the longest time. I started to cry and no one seemed to care at all. I wanted my sister. The mother superior came up to me and told me that Linda went to live with Vera. That she wouldn't be back. No this could not be true not Linda she wouldn't leave me here without her. She loved me to much for that but she didn't come back. That night in my bed I cried and I cried. One of the nuns who I had loved so much came and held me and talked to me telling me that she loved me and I told her No you don't no one loves me and I hate everyone. She told me that God loved me and I told no he dosent because if he did the he wouldn't have left me here with out Linda. I told her I hated God and I hated everyone else. Because no one loved me. I did nothing wrong to be here and yet this is where I am. I cried and I cried. She held me all night and when I awoke the next morning she was still holding me in her arms. I was a little girl who knew in her heart that no one cared anything about her. I had loved and once again love was jerked from me.

I got out of the reform school at the age of 17. I had an appendisaties attack and was sent to the hospital. After the sugary they told me to get up and walk. I told them that I was not going to get out of this bed tell they told me that I did not have to go back to the school. To make a long story short I went to live with Mary Lue and dad. I was a junior in high school with only one credit from being gradguated. I took both years in one and gradguated from high school that year.

While I was living there that year my father tride to rape me. I fought him and would not let him do this thing that I knew was wrong. He was not happy with me but I was a big girl now and did not have to let that happen again. Just before gradguation I applied to go in the Navy. He took me aside one day and saie., "Barbara there is something I need to tell you." He told me that he was not my father and that I was falsifying papers. That he was not my father. This was another blow on my heart. No matter what he had done to me I had always loved him. Now he stand there and tells me that he is not my father. Now you remember when I told you not to forget the name on my birth certificate. Well now you know why.

After school I went into the Navy where I met my husband and soul mate Harold (Willy). I have 4 wonderful children and 10 grandchildren and 1 great grandchildren and now I am loved and I love them all very much also.

The fellowing was given to me from God by my sister in Christ Jesus and it has helped me to forgive and forget and I pray that it will also help you who have been hurt by those you loved and trusted.. What God asked sometimes is not easy to do but we must do this to be abel to stay on the path of His love. Thank you my sister Katie for loving me enough to share Gods words with me.

ALL of us MUST learn to better ourselves from our hurts and the wretchedness of our past; because to learn and grow from a situation, is far better...than to fall into a hole and never learn from it, but to pull in the earth after us...see what I mean? WE GROW from our hurts and wrongdoings..whether we have committed against another or they against us...makes no difference to GOD...a lie (little white one) is just as bad as a achild molesting murderer in HIS eyes..because SIN=SIN and there are none great or less...like the WORD says: "A little leven, leveneth the whole lump." In other words "one rotten apple can spoil a whole bushel." One little sin can send the soul to hell..whether it be our speech, our actions, our intake of the world as a whole, like what we "watch" on t.v.(that is a great tool of the devil)..believe me because it can get by with sitting in our houses doing nothing but bringing forth across the airwaves all kinds of SINS and we sit there and WATCH and LISTEN and EAT of all of that garbage..until it takes root in our innerman and soon we have the WORDS and ACTIONS coming from ourselves...and wonder "where in the world THAT came from"? If we eat of garbage continuously, then it has to come out somewhere and it is usually out of our mouth and out of our heart...into our daily lives and it grows there until we become "numbed" to it and think it is NOT SIN, but just the way we are. When JESUS said FORGIVE...HE said to LOVE is to "FORGET"..to FORGIVE is to LOVE..and to LVOE is to FORGET". THAT is what HE did at calvary for us...HE LOVED..HE FORGAVE..HE FORGOT and HE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY...and even asked the FATHER to forgiev them there (and not to hold it against them..FORGET IT)! So should we do any less..

I have forgiven all of them and I write this only that you who read this will know that you are not alone in your suffering and pain. You must forgive them and then you must FORGET like Jesus did. The forgiving is not easy unless you know God and Jesus. They are the rock that we must stand on to keep us strong in this forgiviness. I love each of you in Jesus name..

MOM, BARBARA AND FRIEND AND SISTER