My Tribute to Peter Jackson
Here is my tribute to Peter Jackson. This guy is the man. To understand why he is the man, I am going to review a movie that most of you have never seen, and without a strong stomach, will probably never see in its entirety. So, without further delay, I give you a review, of sorts, of Dead Alive.
Alright, Dead Alive. This movie rules. It is just absolutely fucking ridiculous. It starts out with a guy carrying a box, allegedly with a monkey inside. The natives of wherever the fuck they are want the monkey back. It turns out for good reason. But, the guy carrying the box opens fire into the air with a big ass gun. They then get away with the monkey in a truck. While aboard the truck, the monkey bites the American guy, the other members of his party chop off his hand, arm, and then head. They put the monkey on a plane to the states and collect money from some other guy. None of that was important, except the monkey going to a zoo in the US, which I didnt really mention until now.
I know I am shitty at names, so here are the important characters: Squirrely looking guy, who I will call squirrelguy; squirrelguy's mom, who becomes an insane zombie; hot foreign chick, who I will call just that; squirrelguy's jerkoff uncle, who will be known as captain shithead, and an assload of zombies.
So, squirrelguy and hot foreign chick are destined to be together. This is pretty obvious, you know how these ultra-violent horror/romantic-comedys work. Squirrelguy and hot foreign chick are on a date to the zoo. You guessed it. But, squirrelyguy's mom is like the mom from psycho, a filthy fucking oppressive whore, and she follows squirrelguy on his date. Things go well until the evil monkey rips another monkeys arm off, and hot foreign chick gets upset. Then, whilst the two love birds sit and recouperate from watching a monkey slaughter another one, squirrelguy's mom gets bitten by the evil monkey.
Squirrelguy and his mom go home and What follows is a freaking disgusting tranformation where squirrelguy's mom slowly but surely turns into a gross ass zombie. The nurse comes, cause squirrelguy has no idea what the shit is going on, and the nurse says the mom is dead. Just as the nurse turns her back, squirrelguy's now zombie mom crushes the nurse's head and slit's her throat. Zombie number 2. Squirrelguy is pretty confused now, as he has most likely never dealt with zombies, zo he locks them down the basement. Oh shit! I forgot, before this happens, you hear barking from upstairs. Hot foreign chick and squirrelguy go upstairs, and squirrelguy pulls like 3 feet of hair out of his mom's mouth. Hot foreign chick yells, "YOU'RE MOM ATE MY DOG!" Hahahahaha, fuckin-a.
So, squirrelguy and hot foreign chick are destined to be together. This is pretty obvious, you know how these ultra-violent horror/romantic-comedys work. Squirrelguy and hot foreign chick are on a date to the zoo. You guessed it. But, squirrelyguy's mom is like the mom from psycho, a filthy fucking oppressive whore, and she follows squirrelguy on his date. Things go well until the evil monkey rips another monkeys arm off, and hot foreign chick gets upset. Then, whilst the two love birds sit and recouperate from watching a monkey slaughter another one, squirrelguy's mom gets bitten by the evil monkey.
Squirrelguy and his mom go home and What follows is a freaking disgusting tranformation where squirrelguy's mom slowly but surely turns into a gross ass zombie. The nurse comes, cause squirrelguy has no idea what the shit is going on, and the nurse says the mom is dead. Just as the nurse turns her back, squirrelguy's now zombie mom crushes the nurse's head and slit's her throat. Zombie number 2. Squirrelguy is pretty confused now, as he has most likely never dealt with zombies, zo he locks them down the basement. Oh shit! I forgot, before this happens, you hear barking from upstairs. Hot foreign chick and squirrelguy go upstairs, and squirrelguy pulls like 3 feet of hair out of his mom's mouth. Hot foreign chick yells, "YOU'RE MOM ATE MY DOG!" Hahahahaha, fuckin-a.
He starts to get weird with hot foreign chick, and the two cool down for a while, but not before hot foreign chick's psychic mom tell's squirrelguy that he is cursed, and gives him an amulet.
While squirrelguy is getting this amulet, his mom has broken out of the basement and tracked him across town. She gets nailed by a trolley. This is all very funny, and I am almost certain it is supposed to be. But, such a public accident leads to the burial of squirrelguy's mom. After the funeral, he knows that his mom is still "alive", do he goes to dig her up for reasons that are beyond me. All of a sudden, some cool cemetary kids who love to hang out in cemetarys, call him a sick motherfucker and one procedes to piss on her grave. Well, she busts out of the ground and rips cemetary pisser's crotch out. He's a zombie, instantly, he attacks one of his friends. 4 zombies. The zombies are attacking squirrelguy, when all of a sudden, a priest comes out and shouts, "Stay back boy, this calls for devine intervention!" and "I kick ass for the Lord!" Enter kung fu fight between priest and zombies. Good fight, but priest loses.
While squirrelguy is getting this amulet, his mom has broken out of the basement and tracked him across town. She gets nailed by a trolley. This is all very funny, and I am almost certain it is supposed to be. But, such a public accident leads to the burial of squirrelguy's mom. After the funeral, he knows that his mom is still "alive", do he goes to dig her up for reasons that are beyond me. All of a sudden, some cool cemetary kids who love to hang out in cemetarys, call him a sick motherfucker and one procedes to piss on her grave. Well, she busts out of the ground and rips cemetary pisser's crotch out. He's a zombie, instantly, he attacks one of his friends. 4 zombies. The zombies are attacking squirrelguy, when all of a sudden, a priest comes out and shouts, "Stay back boy, this calls for devine intervention!" and "I kick ass for the Lord!" Enter kung fu fight between priest and zombies. Good fight, but priest loses.
Now, squirrelguy starts using sedative on the zombies and keeping them in his basement. There is a funny scene where captain shithead comes over and here's noises from another room. Squirrelguy makes him leave without entering. After captain shithead leaves, squirrelguy walks into the room to find the zombie priest having sex with his zombie mom, or the zombie nurse...they are all pretty gross looking. Well, squirrelguy is keeping zombies sedated in his basement. He comes home one day to give them more sedative, and finds that one of the zombies has given birth to a disgusting looking child.
Squirrelguy takes this baby in a carriage to the park, don't ask why, it just happens. What follows is a hilarious beating of a small child. In front of a crowd of people. Brutally.
When he comes home, he finds the door to the basement completely open, but the zombies are not moving. They are still heavily sedated. So, why was the door open? You guessed it, here is where captain shithead gets his name. Well, Cpt. Shithead thinks they are just plain dead bodies, so he thinks his nephew the squirrelman is a sick motherfucker who kills people and keeps their bodies in his basement. He demands the house and squirrelguy's inheritance to not call the cops. Squirrelguy, who is still caring for these zombies rather than kill them, agrees. Fucking BAD move. Cpt. Shithead throws a big ass party. Hot foreign chick comes into the party to find squirrelguy. The zombies are still in the basement. There are tons of people upstairs. You see where this is going, right?
What follows is the single most violent scene in movie history. Yet, it still all seems to be funny. Rather than detail what happens, I am just going to show you some screen shots. Needless to say, all the zombies die, squirrelguy uses a lawnmower to kill 50 zombies, Cpt. Shithead dies, it ends in a fight between Squirrelguy and his mom who had become the Ultimate zombie, the amulet comes in handy, and squirrelguy and hot foreign chick live happily ever after.
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Now, why did I tell you all that. Why, in a tribute to Peter Jackson, did I write a shitload about some Ultra-violent comedy horror love story? Well, as you may already have guessed, Peter Jackson directed this movie. For those of you who don't know, Peter Jackson also directed all three parts of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Yes, that is right, the same Peter Jackson. He did the movie I just described, and then got a $300,000,000 dollar budget to direct three movies. Two of which have already come out, and grossed a combined 1.766 BILLION dollars worldwide, with a third to come. Imagine the scam he must have run on the producers of Lord of the Rings to give him $300 million to make movies with his track record. Now, I am not denouncing his movies, in fact, I love Braindead, Meet the Feebles, and Bad Taste...all of which were early Peter Jackson movies that are just damn wrong and fucking hilarious. Here is my tribute to Peter Jackson, who pulled the greatest scam ever, and one hell of a model american.
What follows is the single most violent scene in movie history. Yet, it still all seems to be funny. Rather than detail what happens, I am just going to show you some screen shots. Needless to say, all the zombies die, squirrelguy uses a lawnmower to kill 50 zombies, Cpt. Shithead dies, it ends in a fight between Squirrelguy and his mom who had become the Ultimate zombie, the amulet comes in handy, and squirrelguy and hot foreign chick live happily ever after.
fuckfuckfuckNow, why did I tell you all that. Why, in a tribute to Peter Jackson, did I write a shitload about some Ultra-violent comedy horror love story? Well, as you may already have guessed, Peter Jackson directed this movie. For those of you who don't know, Peter Jackson also directed all three parts of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Yes, that is right, the same Peter Jackson. He did the movie I just described, and then got a $300,000,000 dollar budget to direct three movies. Two of which have already come out, and grossed a combined 1.766 BILLION dollars worldwide, with a third to come. Imagine the scam he must have run on the producers of Lord of the Rings to give him $300 million to make movies with his track record. Now, I am not denouncing his movies, in fact, I love Braindead, Meet the Feebles, and Bad Taste...all of which were early Peter Jackson movies that are just damn wrong and fucking hilarious. Here is my tribute to Peter Jackson, who pulled the greatest scam ever, and one hell of a model american.