The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

Alright, I have seen some bad movies. But, most of them I love, they are hilarious and pure gold. For example, I own Reefer Madness, Hudson Hawk, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, the Punisher, and more on DVD. OOOO, don’t forget Raven! Burt fucking Reynolds. Did you know that the government paid him to kill, but now he’s self employed? I bet you didn’t. There are movies, though, that even I can’t take.

Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS

Okay, the fact that I've even seen some of this is going to take some explaining. Some of you probably read the title and immediately renounced your friendships with me. But listen, there is a movie store in Baltimore called Video Americain. I consider it the greatest video store on the planet, solely because of a wall of videos that are hard to believe exist. These movies are almost all pure gold, and about once a week, I search through Winmx for movies to download and watch. This week I was sick of real movies, so I went after cheesey 70s and 80s horro movies, and this title came up. Remembering seeing it on the wall at the fabled video Americain, I downloaded and proceded to watch it. I made it a solid 20 minutes before I wanted to die. So, I turned it off and went upstairs to pray. Turns out, this is a soft core porno set in a nazi concentration camp. I'll give that a minute to sit in.........Ok, now that you can all see how scarred I am for life, I'll let you know they torture some people too, in a very cheezey manner. Oh, and if the premise isn't bad enough, the lead role....yeah, she's a nasty ugly bitch, so you can't even make the "At least she's hot" arguement. But, on that same day of downloading I did get some classic Zombie movies that kicked ass.

Black Night

Martin Lawrence. Time Travel. Midieval England. Physical pain seering through my skull. Jesus did this movie suck. It wasn't even remotely entertaining. That bitch Martin Lawrence never shuts the hell up, and he is really not a funny guy at all....well, maybe in bad boys. And I love that there were two black people in all of england, him and some girl....gee, i wonder what is going to happen. And WHITE PEOPLE DANCING, I AM SICK OF WHITE PEOPLE DANCING ON THE FUCKING TELEVISION! I am going to beat the hell out of the next director who makes fun of white poeple dancing with a fucking louisville slugger. My god man, this movie was so, so very, very bad. Just, so bad.

Honey We Shrunk Ourselves

Let me set the scene for you. It is 4AM on a Sunday night. I am watching TV in my room. There is no cable. So, out of the 8 or so channels i have, 6 are showing ant races, one is pushing religion, and behold, channel 17 has Rick Moranis on it. For those who know me well, you know that given the choice of Rick Moranis and getting up out of my warm bed to put a movie on, I am obviously going with Rick, that's a no-brainer. So, I start watching the third installment of the Honey I Shrunk or Blew up or whatever the hell is going on. Ahhh, watching.....watching.....commercial.....watching.....then i start vomiting blood. Goddamn man, this was bad enough to gve somebody an ulcer. I might go as far as saying this was the single worst movie I have ever seen. Rick moranis must have gambling debts, or have been fucking the director, or have a serious drug addiction to read the script and think "Maybe this won't go straight to video...." The whole fucking thing is done in front of some shitty ass blue screen, the kids are total fucking assclowns and need lobotomies, the acting fucking sucks, and I WATCHED THE WHOLE THING! So much pain, I am getting angry typing this, those caps aren't for show, I am literally yelling as I type. My God what in hell is the world thinking. How could this have been from the same guy who directed such greats as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Halloween, and Big Trouble in Little China.

Signs

Don't get me started on this pile of crap. I am only going to say a few short things. 1. I Hate Mel Gibson
2. I Hate that M. Night guy...his movies are predictable, boring, and the suck
3. WHY THE FUCK WOULD AN ALIEN RACE THAT GETS KILLED BY WATER COME TO EARTH?!?!?! Do you poeple know what we have on Earth? HUH? If you said "Hey Bob, What's earth got a lot of?" I'd say, we sure got some water. Maddox explains it better than I do, here Maddox.Xmission
4. I hate this movie.

Manos, the Hands of Fate

Well, I first saw this movie on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I believe it was on the TV show portion, not the movie. Aways down the road, I noticed that the original was on television, you know how TNT and channel 48 used to put on shitty movies. Well, I had completely forgotton about this movie, and then noticed it was listed as the worst movie of all time on IMDB. Here is roughly the plot: the is some guy named Torgo; there is some guy named Master who is a bastard; some things happen; you check your watch, only 10 minutes have past; you check to see how long the movie is, it is less than 1 and a half hours; you breath a sigh of relief; eleven hours later, the movie is over; you kill yourself. That is about all, it, finished. I saw the movie, saw Mystery Science Theatre mke fun of it, read a few plot descriptions online, and still don't really know why I should care.

Dog Soldiers

This movie had two options: 1. Awesome or 2. Worst Movie Ever. Thats it, no middle ground for a piece like this. As far as I can tell, there are evil, angry werewolfs who eat people and are very good at it. So, these people who are stuck in the forest try not to get killed. They don't do a great job, an the movie end. When it does, your intelligence has been insulted to the point where you might as well blow up your VCR/DVD/TV just for having the capability of playing such a piece of shit.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

One person might call this a great movie. Even I might call this a great movie. But sometimes, the movies that you want to like, you just can't. How great would it be to own a copy of a movie called Santa Claus Conquers the Space Martians and legitimately be a fan of it?It would be a cool thing to be able to say. But, when you rent a movie you really want to see, and can't even tolerate it drunk. Thats right, fucked up and still found Santa Claus and Space Martians boring and untolerable. Two nights in a row. This was the most pointless, insanely boring movie ever to be mad. The premise is pure gold, pure fucking gold. But, damn, sometimes movies just plain suck, and this movie fucking sucked.

Octopus and Octopus 2: River of Fear

Haven't seen the first of this duo, but the second was bad to the point of including the first. I saw this movie on the reccomendation of Dave McManus, and even though he reccomended it as a bad movie, I will never forgive him. I didnt even make it through the whole thing, and from my complaints, Dave informs me that is climaxs with an Octopus and the Statue of Liberty(or some reasonible facsimile). I kidd you not. Should I continue to make fun of this movie, is it even worth my trouble? The answer of course, is no. This one was.....noot good, at best. Lets go with really bad at best instead.

Movies That I Will Never See, Ever, Under Any Circumstances

Baby Geniuses

Never, ever will I, under any cercumstances, ever speak with a single person who purchases this movie. Don't like me? Here is an easy way out of ever needing to speak to me again.

Battlefield Earth

John Travolta, remember when he was in real movies, like Pulp Fiction. HA HA HA, going to this movie is like Michael Keaton going from being Batman to a made for tv HBO movie. I would rather eat a box of crayons than watch this movie. I'm serious, given that option, I'd take the crayons...no hesitation....even for a box of 64.

The Party at Kitty and Stud's

Every once and a while, I browse IMDB for lack of something better to do. One day my search led me to Sylvester Stallone and I glance at all the movies he'd been in. I saw this and wondered what it was. Well, before you ever see this movie, ask yourself, "Do I really want to see Stallone's naked ass and cock in a XXX movie?" If you said yes, rent this and shoot yourself in the neck. If I were to make a list of things no man could see and ever achieve an erection again for the rest of his life, a naked sylvester stallone would have to be near the top.

Chicken Park

Long before Thumbtanic, movie makers were pissing me off in other very similar ways. Now, I want you to this of a great dinosaur movie. Most of you probably thought of Jurassic Park. If you didn't, and read that sentence, you are probably now thinking of a movie called Jurassic Park. Now, think of a version of the movie with no dinosaurs. In this version, the dinosaurs are chickens. Obviously, one might think, "damn brilliant idea" or "damn is that a great idea." I want those people to die.

Any Movies with those Fucking Thumbs...you know, Thumb Wars, Thumbtanic

Where to start, where to start? Lets not even talk about it, lets just assume that everone has seen at least one of these movies at best buy, and break it, just so that nobody would have to suffer the indignity of getting it as a birthday or kwanza gift.

Corey Haim: My, Myself, and I

For those of you who know who Corey Haim is, just know that he made a video diary and move to the next section. For those of you who don't, he shames Corey Feldman. Corey Haim was the single most worthless thing to happen to the 1980s. More worthless than Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and even more worthless than Huyette. Thats a cheap shot, my apologies. I've even heard stories of him selling teeth and hair on e-Bay. I dont know the validity of these stories, just that they are probably credible. Corey Haim is worthless, so imagine how worthless a video diary of his really must be.

Da Hip Hop Witch

reasons I would rather blind myself than watch this movie
1. The Title
2. The Premise
3. It stars eminem and five white kids
4. they get lost in "Da Hood"
5. there is a Hip Hop Witch
6. Ja Rule is in it
7. Mobb Deep is in it
8. Pras is in it
I'd have more reasons, but I am getting considerably angry just typing about this movie. One thing about it though, that may make me watch it someday should it ever grace cable, is that Vanilla Ica does play himself at some point. But even then, i think i'd still rather be blind...and maybe deaf.

Rollerball

So, there is a movie Rollerball. It actually went to theaters. It may have actually made some money. What I don't understand is, who went to see it? Did it actually make money from people showing up to sold out movies and going to Rollerball by default. Something about this movie's existence just doesn't make any sense to me. I saw the preview and just said to myself "nope." As simple as that, I knew for a fact that this movie would never make it to my home television let alone me make it to its movie theater. But people actually saw it. I need all of your help on this one...why, why did people go to see it.

I Will continue to update this page as more movies come out, and not like I update the news section, like really update. Really.

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