The latest DVD added to my collection is a random pick-up that I got for the princely sum of seven dollars. For some reason, I came across this movie years ago, yet never had the chance to see it. The premise obviously entrigued me: Lesbian...Ninja...Assassins. I am not going to lie, I have a penis. Therefore, I enjoy lesbians. Simple deductive logic. Secondly, I have a penis, therefore I like ninjas. More simple deductive logic. Thirdly, assassins are also cool, mearly emphasizing the deadliness of the ninjas. The fact that these Ninjas are assassins just proves the fact that they passed the Ninja written test. No fool would hire an assassins that can't pass that test. Oh, by the way, the movie is called Naked Killer, I got a little caught up in the lesbian ninja assassins. God, just saying that brings a bigtime fucking smile to my face. Lets go over the movie, first with a little plot, then some analysis.
Here is some plot
The film begins with some ninja babe walking into a hotel room and not closing the door. She then gets into the shower, likely to oil up. Then, some guy opens the hotel door, and draws his gun. Oh my god, oh my god, what is going to happen. Well, she ices that fucking bitch and shoots his ass in the knees. She then gets out of the shower fully dressed, with gloves and socks even. Ninjas can get fully dressed in less than a second. That should be common knowledge. She then does a squirrelflip and shashes the dudes skull, then shoots him in the crank. Very Unpleasant.
Then for a while nothing happens. There is the bitch cop who vomits when he pulls his gun....we meet him i guess. Then some ho's dad get stabbed. She avenges him and shoots like 30 people in an office building, meets the lesbian ninja assassin from the first scene who kills 30 more people, and make their getaway. Those two become friends, decide to be assassins together, there is some breast rubbing, some guy tries to rape girl 2 and gets his ass kicked and head smashed.... alot going on here. I'd say the word rape comes up anywhere from 3-31 times in this movie. Not much happens for a while. We meet more lesbian ninja assassins, these ones "bad" girls, which would be hot if they weren't so intent on raping the ugly assassin and chopping of male schlong. The cop plays some minor role, the love interest of the half lesbian or girl two, he is a bitch. Then, like 40 poeple die in the lesbian ninja showdown, ugly lesban one dies, hot semi-lesbian two avenges her, hot evil lesbians get killed. I am pretty sure I didn't leave anything out. Wait, oh yeah, this gay other cop eats a detatched cock that gets mixed in with his food without a second thought. He loves that shit, and was very eager to eat that cock. Well, now that we know whats goin down in this "film", we can move on to Analysis.
Then for a while nothing happens. There is the bitch cop who vomits when he pulls his gun....we meet him i guess. Then some ho's dad get stabbed. She avenges him and shoots like 30 people in an office building, meets the lesbian ninja assassin from the first scene who kills 30 more people, and make their getaway. Those two become friends, decide to be assassins together, there is some breast rubbing, some guy tries to rape girl 2 and gets his ass kicked and head smashed.... alot going on here. I'd say the word rape comes up anywhere from 3-31 times in this movie. Not much happens for a while. We meet more lesbian ninja assassins, these ones "bad" girls, which would be hot if they weren't so intent on raping the ugly assassin and chopping of male schlong. The cop plays some minor role, the love interest of the half lesbian or girl two, he is a bitch. Then, like 40 poeple die in the lesbian ninja showdown, ugly lesban one dies, hot semi-lesbian two avenges her, hot evil lesbians get killed. I am pretty sure I didn't leave anything out. Wait, oh yeah, this gay other cop eats a detatched cock that gets mixed in with his food without a second thought. He loves that shit, and was very eager to eat that cock. Well, now that we know whats goin down in this "film", we can move on to Analysis.
Analysis
Big Stuff
Big Stuff
Lesbians
The few females that actually read my website may not realize that the number of lesbians that are good looking is directly proportional to the greatness of the film... but it is, now you know. There are a total of three lesbians in this movie. Two hot ones, one who isn't technically a lesbian(counting as a half), and one who isnt particularly great looking(also counting as half). I am not saying they are half people like midgets(or 2/5th of a person, like black people a la the 2/5ths compromise....learn your history), but rather half a lesbian. There is a difference. Three is....well....less than impressive. So i give:
Ninjanesss
Well, by ninjaness, I obviously am referring to violence, as they are one in the same. Lets see....a lot of people get killed. There is a plus. There is some actual cool ninja flips and stuff, again a big plus. The ninjaness was really a bonus to the lesbianess of the movie, so I got more than I bargained for. When it comes to ninjaness, on a scale from one to the "number porn" stars, I give this film:
The few females that actually read my website may not realize that the number of lesbians that are good looking is directly proportional to the greatness of the film... but it is, now you know. There are a total of three lesbians in this movie. Two hot ones, one who isn't technically a lesbian(counting as a half), and one who isnt particularly great looking(also counting as half). I am not saying they are half people like midgets(or 2/5th of a person, like black people a la the 2/5ths compromise....learn your history), but rather half a lesbian. There is a difference. Three is....well....less than impressive. So i give:
Ninjanesss
Well, by ninjaness, I obviously am referring to violence, as they are one in the same. Lets see....a lot of people get killed. There is a plus. There is some actual cool ninja flips and stuff, again a big plus. The ninjaness was really a bonus to the lesbianess of the movie, so I got more than I bargained for. When it comes to ninjaness, on a scale from one to the "number porn" stars, I give this film:
Assassins
Ahh, this is a very important function of the lesbian/ninja dynamic. Allegedly the lesbian ninja assassins were already ninjas, but discovered that they should assassinate men to emphasize their hot hot lesbian love. No, this isn't exactly how it went down, but it is close enough and how it went down in my mind. THere are three, yes three, full time assassins AND full time lesbians. The Part time lesbian is only a part time assassin, but that still qualifies as 3.5 assassins, one and a half more than the movie Assassins (and antonio banderas and sly stallone aren't lesbians)!Very nice indeed.
Ahh, this is a very important function of the lesbian/ninja dynamic. Allegedly the lesbian ninja assassins were already ninjas, but discovered that they should assassinate men to emphasize their hot hot lesbian love. No, this isn't exactly how it went down, but it is close enough and how it went down in my mind. THere are three, yes three, full time assassins AND full time lesbians. The Part time lesbian is only a part time assassin, but that still qualifies as 3.5 assassins, one and a half more than the movie Assassins (and antonio banderas and sly stallone aren't lesbians)!Very nice indeed.
Other, less pressing issues
Comedy
Fucking A. This movie, to be totally honest, it fucking hilarious. It has its dull moments, but the unintentional comedy is off the fucking charts. Every use of the word fuck was absolutely necessary right there. This movie seriously has some of the most awesome dialogue ever, and it is dubbed into english, further making bad lines sound worse. There is just sooooo much awesome dialogue here. When I get a chance, I'll rip it to my computer and post some sound files, they will be well worth a listen. Unless you are a weak bitch, then you suck. Sheer laughs:
Fucking A. This movie, to be totally honest, it fucking hilarious. It has its dull moments, but the unintentional comedy is off the fucking charts. Every use of the word fuck was absolutely necessary right there. This movie seriously has some of the most awesome dialogue ever, and it is dubbed into english, further making bad lines sound worse. There is just sooooo much awesome dialogue here. When I get a chance, I'll rip it to my computer and post some sound files, they will be well worth a listen. Unless you are a weak bitch, then you suck. Sheer laughs:
Removal of Male Genitalia
Here is an aspect of the film that didn't thrill me. They bring up wang removal and the chopping of the balls many, many times in this movie. Every time a man reads the word castration, it hurts just a little bit. Every time a man loses his dong, a little part of our whole race dies....thats meant to be symbolic, obsiously his penis dies. Well, as you can tell, this bothered me just a bit, so:
Here is an aspect of the film that didn't thrill me. They bring up wang removal and the chopping of the balls many, many times in this movie. Every time a man reads the word castration, it hurts just a little bit. Every time a man loses his dong, a little part of our whole race dies....thats meant to be symbolic, obsiously his penis dies. Well, as you can tell, this bothered me just a bit, so:
Lesbian Breast Rubbing
Eh, could've been more.....but there can always be more
Eh, could've been more.....but there can always be more
Nudity
Ahh, we finally get to it, the most essential parrt of any soft core lesbian ninja porn. And yeah, fuck. The inside cover had almost as much nudity as the entire movie, which was FUCKING NONE. Now, I am not really a pornographic film conessoiur (i just fucking butchered that word), but one would think that in a movie called Naked Killer, there might be at least one Naked Killer. NAked Killing seems essential to this movie, otherwise, it is just trading on its name, like the NAACP. Needless to say, this movie gets zero starts out of porn stars. I didn't make a graphic for zero starts, thats how dissappointed I was.
Ahh, we finally get to it, the most essential parrt of any soft core lesbian ninja porn. And yeah, fuck. The inside cover had almost as much nudity as the entire movie, which was FUCKING NONE. Now, I am not really a pornographic film conessoiur (i just fucking butchered that word), but one would think that in a movie called Naked Killer, there might be at least one Naked Killer. NAked Killing seems essential to this movie, otherwise, it is just trading on its name, like the NAACP. Needless to say, this movie gets zero starts out of porn stars. I didn't make a graphic for zero starts, thats how dissappointed I was.
Final Decision
Well, nudity isn't essential to being a great movie, which this movie certainly is not. Thought I was gonna say it was, didn't you? Well, you were fucking wrong. This movie is real funny, but one sober viewing might be enough. It would certainly BEHOOVE (love that word.....mighta spelled it wrong though) to check it out once, particularly if you happened to be tremendously stoned or drunk.
Well, nudity isn't essential to being a great movie, which this movie certainly is not. Thought I was gonna say it was, didn't you? Well, you were fucking wrong. This movie is real funny, but one sober viewing might be enough. It would certainly BEHOOVE (love that word.....mighta spelled it wrong though) to check it out once, particularly if you happened to be tremendously stoned or drunk.