Well, I had been working on an article about how great Raven with Burt Reynolds is, but this is sometihng that needs to be taken care of. This is an issue that is very important to me. We're talking Phillies here. Why the sudden shitty play, why go into Florida, knowing you have to win, and lose twice in a row? Well, as far as I can see, there are a few reasons, all working together, to piss me off. This one would be easy to blame on the Floridian Jewish/Cuban/Elderly conspiracy, but they aren't responsible this time. Some of you may see where I am going with this. Thats right, it looks like Joe Carter had a hand in this. But he wasn't alone in ruining my world series dreams this year. The blame rests on Travis Lee and Donovan McNabb, too. Bucnh of fucking assholes they are. McNabb and his fairly fag passes that a high school quarterback could make. Lets not forget Travis Lee, and his evil beady little eyes.

Now, why you say, would I blame Joe Carter? What is his motive this time? What did he have to gain? And, why aren't I blaming Pat Burrell, Jimmy Rollins and his incessant popping up, or the ass of a manager Larry Bowa? All very good questions. It would be natural to believe that that Joe Carter harbors no ill will against the team that he beat in the 1993 World Series. He has no relationship with the Florida Marlins. But, what you don't know, is the dark tale of what happened after winning the world series.

Following the World Series victory, Mr. Carter proceeded to get extremely wasted, celebrating on expensive champagne, miller high life, and thunderbird malt beverage. Hours later, he awoke in a hotel room, naked, and in bed. He looked to his side, seeing what could have passed as decent looking woman, if it weren't for the gastly adams apples burting forth from "her" neck. He then ran forth from the room, naked, balls bouncing. He was then arrested for indecent exposure. Released on his own recognicance, and got wasted again, to forget his pain.

Hours later, he woke up next to the same she-male. What was going on, what had he done, was he secretly gay? The answer of course, is no. But this was his curse. Have you ever seen groundhog day? Well, Joe was trapped in his own personal groundhog day, doomed to wake up next to that she-male every morning. She stunk of dog shit, every morning. Almost makes you pity the man.

Well, as you may remember, Bill Murray made himself a better person while trapped in his repeating day, but he wasn't waking up next to a woman with a penis. Joe went nuts, driving steadily into a downward spiral of insanity. He swore his revenge against the Phillies, partly out of misplaced anger due to his rampant insanity. He desperately sought to escape his one day, she-male infested prison, and turned to the dark arts. Finally, after years of tireless devotion to voodoo and waking up with a penis rubbing against his leg, he escaped, he woke up, and it was a new day. And, for the last 10 years, he has been plotting his revenge, waiting for the right moment, when it would hurt us the most.

How do Travis and Donovan fit in. Well, while Joe was in a chat room, looking for 15 year old girls, he ran into travis lee. He was posing as a 15 year old girl, and the two really hit it off. They decided to meet, and neither was terribly dissappointed. At the time, travis was doing everything in his power to hurt the Phillies in their 2002 campaign, and Joe really respected that. The two immediately decided that they would join forces, and eventually attack the Phillies from within. Well, as Travis Lee is a no good bum, we cut his sorry ass, and their plans were ruined. So, they decided to go online and look for 15 year old girls, where they ran into Donovan. Donovan really had nothing against the Phillies, but he was secretly in love with Travis Lee for years and decided to help their cause. That silly bag of crap. This was during the Eagles season, I believe around week nine or ten. Luckily, Koy Detmer discovered them and tryed to put a stop to their evil doings. But, Koy was no master in the dark arts, and Joe broke his shoulder while he was savagely beating the 49ers. Later, after the game, the three evil sons of bitches brainwashed Koy, and removed all memory of their association.

Why mention that, just to show what evil bastards they really are. Then, knowing that this was the Phillies year to rule the school, they devoted themselves to stopping the Phils at all costs. Joe Cater used his evil black magic to destroy Pat Burrell's swing. Travis Lee used his influence over Ed Wade and some compromising photos he had of the two to make the Phillies trade for Mike Williams. And, if it is even possible, Donovan McNabb used his weak arm, adequate speed, and rampant homosexuality to mke Jose Mesa even worse. Jimmy Rollins continued to pop up, but that is because he sucks. This wasn't enough though.

With about a week to go, the Phillies managed to contend, despite the trifecta of pornographers, homosexuals, and child predators. Their will was too strong, they would not be defeated. That's when Joe Carter got ugly. During his trek into the underworld, on those fatfull days when he was waking up to a rock hard penis poking him every morning, he met some powerful friends. One of the, was Skeletor. Skeletor knew what he had to do, and given his power, it would be an easy task. He took over the body of Jeff Conine, giving him super strangth and the ability to come up clutch for the first time in his lifeless career. Those bastards. I mean, Skeletor, we never had a shot. Just look at the smug look on their bastard faces.