VELIKI CAROBNJAK
Detinjstvo
je za vecinu ljudi najlepsi deo zivota. I kako im godine odmicu i vreme
odlazi u nepovrat, tako im nekoliko tricavih dogadjaja, bledih i izoblicenih
od zuba vremena, postaju sve drazi i drazi.
* * *
Ja nisam od onih
koji su u stanju da satima i satima pricaju o socnim plodovima iz komsijskih
basti (takve breskve vise ne rastu...), vesto prepravljenim ocenama u dnevniku
ili o "jadnom malom gusteru sakrivenom u kutiji za secer, a onda je mama
htela da skuva kafu". Uvek sam radije gledao ispred sebe nego iza sebe.
Mozda sam za takve price jos premlad (tek mi je dvadesetdeveta), a mozda
je sve to ipak zato sto u mom detinjstvu i nije bilo takvih detalja. Uvek
sam bio mirno i povuceno dete. Ziveo sam sa majkom u omanjem stanu
u mirnoj stambenoj cetvrti severnog dela grada. Nikad mi nije padalo na
pamet da kradem komsijske poluzelene, ocajno tvrde i kisele breskve kada
nisam voleo da jedem ni one zrele. Ocene u dnevniku nikad nisam morao
da prepravljam, uvek sam bio najbolji ucenik. A sto se tice gustera i tih
stvari, moja majka je bila zoolog i nama je stan uvek bio prepun retkih
primeraka algolskih slepih miseva ili jednookih kuna sa Beta Lire ili infrazelenih
papagaja sa Vege i ko bi se setio cega jos. I kako je onda uopste moglo
da mi padne na pamet da donesem kuci obicnog sivog gustera i da ga stavim
u kutiju za secer! Uostalom, moja majka se gustera uopste ne bi uplasila,
jednostavno bi ga iznela iz stana kao totalno neinteresantan primerak.
I tako, kada
bih pogledao sve u globalu i izuzeo to sto sam rastao bez oca, moje detinjstvo
je bilo obicno. Ne bih rekao dosadno i prazno jer zaista nije bilo. Voleo
sam da citam, voleo sam casove klavira (valjda zbog zgodne mlade nastavnice)
i voleo sam moju hemijsku laboratoriju u kojoj sam pravio najneverovatnije
stvari, stvari na kojima bi mi pozavideli i oni sto su krali breskve, samo
da su ikada pokazali zelju da mi se pridruze.
* * *
Ipak, postoji nesto
sto mi se dogodilo jos u ranom detinjstvu, a sto do sada jos nikome nisam
ispricao. U ono vreme rec "tajna" jos uvek je imala svoj smisao i ja sam
cutao. Tek mnogo, mnogo kasnije, shvatio sam da je taj dogadjaj izmenio
i usmerio ceo moj zivot.
Imao sam tada
nepunih sest godina. Bio sam visi od svojih vrsnjaka, bio sam mrsav i upravo
su poceli da mi ispadaju prvi mlecnjaci. Secam se da me je bilo sramota
zbog toga, pa sam najcesce cutao da mi se deca ne bi smejala.
Jednog letnjeg
popodneva igrao sam se u parku ispred zgrade. Zapravo, tu je bilo malo
decje igraliste koje je svakog dana do u kasno uvece vrvilo od decje graje,
ali, ja sam se najcesce igrao sam u parku pored tog igralista. Tako je
bilo i tog dana. Cucao sam u travi pored staze i pomno posmatrao jednu
mravlju porodicu, kad sam iznenada osetio necije prisustvo pored sebe.
Refleksno sam podigao pogled i ugledao najneverovatnije stvorenje! Ispred
mene stajao je visok crnokos muskarac obucen u crno i zaogrnut plastom
napravljenim od sitnih raznobojnih kvadrata tkanine, poput onih koje su
nosili carobnjaci u mojim omiljenim bajkama.
- Ti si Lato
III? - Upitao je. - Tebe trazim.
Nisam se uopste
uplasio. Covek mi je izgledao tako poznat i tako blizak, da mi se cinilo
kao da je konacno stigao neko koga sam dugo, dugo cekao. Samo sam nemo
klimnuo glavom i ustao, pokusavajuci usput da sa par nespretnih pokreta
skinem prasinu sa kolena.
- Umes li da
cuvas tajne?
Secam se da
smo seli na klupu. I secam se kako je nestvarno izgledao njegov sareni
plast obasjan zalazezim suncem. I secam se kako sam bio ponosan kada mi
je rekao da samo JA od sve dece mogu da ga vidim. A kada me je kasnije
Anika sa drugog sprata pitala ko je onaj pajac koji je pricao sa mnom,
ja sam je optuzio da laze zato sto ona NIJE MOGLA DA GA VIDI...
Covek mi je
pricao... O maloj zutoj kuci u predgradju koju su cuvala dva mirisljava
jorgovana... O decaku koji se zvao LATO, isto kao i ja i koji je ziveo
u toj ku}i... O decakovoj majci koja je zelela da joj sin postane lekar
poput nje... O Velikom Carobnjaku koji jedini moze da kaze detetu sta ce
da postane kada odraste i koji dolazi samo odabranima... A taj decak jeste
bio odabran, odabran da postane komandant velike istrazivacke svemirske
krstarice koja ce nebrojene vekove da obilazi svemirska prostranstva u
potrazi za novim... I Veliki Carobnjak ga je posetio...
- Je li taj
decak postao komandant? - Pitao sam. - Jesi li ti Veliki Carobnjak? Zato
imas sareni plast? Jesam li i ja "odabran"?
Covek je na
svako moje pitanje odgovarao potvrdnim klimanjem glave. Onda mi je ispricao
nesto sto tada nisam mogao da razumem i valjda zato nisam mogao ni da upamtim,
ali se odlicno secam da mi je rekao:
- Ti volis da
ucis i da istrazujes i volis sve sto je novo. Zato je i tvoje mesto medju
zvezdama. A ovaj decak iz moje price, on te nestrpljivo iscekuje. Jednog
dana, plovicete zajedno...
Pogladio me
je po kosi i cini mi se da ga u sledecem trenu vec nigde vise nije bilo.
Ja sam ponovo ostao sam, samo, sada sam bio bogatiji za jednu tajnu...
* * *
Ovo sto mi se desilo do sada
jos nikome nisam ispricao. Cuvao sam tajnu, ziveo i rastao sa njom, ali,
makar potsvesno, ona je uvek bila prisutna u meni. I odlucivala u moje
ime. Ovo kazem zato sto sam se i pored sve ljubavi prema hemiji i muzici
odlucio za studij psihologije necovekolikih inteligentnih organizama. Mislim
da je danas i deci jasno da subjekata mojih istrazivanja ima svuda osim
na Zemlji. Sudbina?
Do pre godinu
dana radio sam u "Svezemaljskom istrazivackom centru inteligentnih vrsta
Univerzuma" kao jedan od vodecih projektanata. Posao je bio interesantan,
primanja su bila nadprosecna, prijatelji su mi zavideli. Onda sam upoznao
Selenu, ozenio se, kupio malu ali udobnu kucu u mirnom kraju grada i uskoro
sa neskrivenim ponosom novopecenog oca posmatrao kako se mali Lato IV koprca
u kolevci. Verovatno bi mnogi rekli da sam imao sve sto se pozeleti moze.
I verovatno bi i bili u pravu. Samo, ja sam oduvek zeleo nesto novo i nikad
nisam bio u stanju da povucem crtu i kazem: "Evo, postigao sam ono sto
sam hteo, sada sam srecan". Ja sam uvek hteo nesto vise. I bez obzira na
sve sto sam do tada postigao, bio sam nezadovoljan.
Iznenadni poziv
Udruzenja aldebaranskih i algolskih strucnjaka da im se pridru`im na terenu
prihvatio sam sa odusevljenjem. Znao sam samo da imaju brod nezamislivih
mogucnosti, ali detalji mi i nisu bili vazni. Konacno, predamnom je bilo
nesto novo...
Prvo putovanje
trebalo je da traje sedam zemaljskih godina. Sto se mene kao putnika tice,
putovanje bi trajalo oko godinu dana. Secam se da je Selena plakala kada
sam joj saopstio da idem. Rekla je da ce biti stara i ruzna kada se ja
vratim i da je to nas rastanak. (Zasto su zene uvek tako pateticne? Jednog
dana cu se time detaljnije pozabaviti.)
- Zar mora i
tvoj sin da odraste bez oca? - Pitala je.
Ja u tome nisam
video nista lose. Meni otac nikad nije nedostajao. A kako je i mogao da
mi nedostaje neko koga nikada nisam upoznao?!
I tako sam otisao.
* * *
Sada sam ponovo
na rodnoj Zemlji. Proslo je godinu dana provedenih na brodu. Puno rada,
puno neprospavanih noci, ali i puno zadovoljstava. Ipak, vreme koje covek
provede na brodu nezamislivo sporije prolazi od onog provedenog na Zemlji.
Obuzme te neka ceznja i cak i ono sto te je nekad nerviralo postane ti
drago i blisko. Da li je onda cudno sto sam sate i sate provodio razmisljajuci
o svom sinu i o Seleni...
Selenu sam izgubio.
Toga sam bio svestan jos onog trenutka kada sam napustao kucni prag. Sedam
godina za zenu od dvadeset i dve je ceo jedan mali zivot. Osim toga, mene
ceka put do Oriona, pa do Vege, zatim do... Kada se budem konacno vratio
na Zemlju nje vise nece biti! Mozda je bolje da je uopste ne vidim. U svakom
slucaju, bice bolje za nju.
A moj sin? Jesam
li i njega izgubio? Sada ima sedam godina. Da li lici na mene? Da li i
on voli da se igra sam? Da li mu nedostajem? Kako mogu da mu nedostajem,
pa on me ne zna! Ipak, on je moj sin. I njega ne smem da izgubim!
A znao sam i
kako cu da ga zadrzim...
Kao sumanut
trcao sam od radnje do radnje trazeci sareni plast kojim cu da pokrijem
svoju crnu uniformu. Pred ocima mi je igrala slika Velikog Carobnjaka iz
mog detinjstva. Slika mog oca! Da li je moguce da mi je trebalo toliko
vremena da shvatim?
* * *
Kad sam ga nasao,
sedeo je na klupi i citao knjigu.
- Ti si Lato
IV? - Pitao sam. - Tebe trazim.
Mala kustrava
glava se podigla i u bistrim crnim ocima ugledao sam bljesak nerazumljivog
prepoznavanja. I tog trenutka sam postao siguran da ce i moj sin jednog
dana zaploviti nepoznatim stazama i da cu poput mog oca i mog dede imati
dovljno vremena da ga trazim i da ga nadjem negde medju zvezdama...
Dragana Konstantinovic
.. |
THE GREAT WIZARD
For great
majority of people, childhood is the most beautiful part of life.
And, as years go by and their time passes to be lost forever, several insignificant
events--pale and disfigured by the tooth of time--become more and more
important.
* * *
I am not one of
those who are able to speak about their childhood for hours and hours.
I’ve never spoken stories about juicy peaches stolen from neighbors' gardens,
about skillfully altered marks in school files, or about poor little lizard
that I hid in the sugar-box and about Mom’s face when she tried to make
coffee. Since ever, I've preferred to look in front of me instead
of behind me. Maybe I am too young for such stories--I am only twenty-nine--or
maybe it's just the fact that I don’t have such memories of my childhood.
I was always quiet and somehow
reserved child. I lived with my mother in a small apartment located
in a quiet quart of the northern part of the town. My mind never
passed an idea to steal neighbors' unripe, desperately stony and sour peaches
because I never liked to eat even the ripe ones. I had no need to
alter my marks either--I'd always been the best student. Finally--thinking
about lizards--my Mother was a zoologist and our apartment was full of
rare species all the time. There were Algol bats, single-eyed martens
from Beta Lyre, infra-green parrots from Vega and who would have remembered
what else! And then, how could it ever crossed my mind to bring home
a plane lizard and to put it into the sugar-box! By the way, my mother
wouldn't be frightened by the lizard at all: She would simply throw
it out of the apartment as a completely uninteresting sample.
So, if I would
take a glance at these years of my life, with an exemption that I grew
up without father, my childhood was very common and ordinary. I wouldn't
say boring or lonely because it really wasn't. I liked to read, I
liked my piano lessons--probably owing to the beautiful young lady that
taught me--and I liked my chemistry lab where I used to make some incredible
things--things that would envy me on even those who used to steal peaches;
if they would have only tried to join me.
* * *
Though, there is
something that happened to me in my early childhood, something that I have
never ever talked about. At this time, the word 'secret' still had
its sense and I was silent. Only much, much later, I realized that
that event changed and guided my entire life.
I was almost six at the time.
I was taller than many other kids of my age, I was thin, and my first milk
teeth had just started falling out. I remember, for that reason I
was a little bit ashamed, and I was silent most of the time because I didn't
want to see other kids laughing at me.
It was a hot
summer afternoon when I was playing in the park near our building.
Actually, there was a small play-yard in the park that was every single
day full of kids--from early morning till dusk--but I preferred to play
away from the play-yard. I preferred to play alone. And so
it was that day. I was squatting in the grass and intently watching
an ant family. Suddenly, I realized I was not alone any more.
I reflexively raised my head and espied an incredible creature! There
was a tall, dark-haired man in front of me dressed in black and covered
with a cloak made of small, multicolored squares of fabric. His cloak
reminded me of the ones that were worn by wizards in my favorite fairy
tales.
"Are you Latto
III," he asked me. "I'm looking for you."
I wasn't frightened.
The man seemed somehow familiar and I felt as if there finally arrived
somebody whom I had been waiting for a very long time. I just nodded
and stood up. At the same time, with a few pretty clumsy attempts,
I tried to remove dust from my knees.
"Can you keep
a secret?"
I remember that
we sat on a bench. And I remember how unreal his cloak looked, lightened
by flashes of the sinking Sun. And I remember how proud I was when
he told me that I was the only kid who was able see him. Later, when
Annie from the second floor asked me who was that clown with me, I pronounced
her a liar because she could not see him.
The man was
speaking to me. About a small yellow house in a suburb that was guarded
by two fragrant lilacs... About a boy whose name was Latto, the same
as mine, and who lived in that house... About boy's mother who wanted
her son to become a doctor like she was... About the Great Wizard
who was the only one who could tell a kid what it would become when grown
up. And that he was coming only to selected kids, not to everyone...
And that boy whose name was Latto, he had been selected; selected to become
the captain of a great researching spaceship that would sail for centuries
and centuries looking for unknown... And the Great Wizard visited
him...
"Has that boy
become the captain," I asked him. "Are you the Great Wizard? Is that
the reason you have a mottled cloak? Am I selected, too?"
The man nodded
after every question. Then he told me something that I couldn't understand
and so I couldn't remember either, but I remember clearly that he told
me:
"You like to
examine and explore; you like everything that is new and unknown.
For that reason, your place is among stars, too. And that boy from
my story, he is impatiently waiting for you. One day, you will sail
together..."
He fondled my
hair, and--I think before the next very moment--he wasn't there any more.
I was left alone, only, now I was richer for one secret...
* * *
I have never told
anybody about that event. I've taken care about the secret, I've
lived and grown with it; but maybe unconsciously, the secret has been somewhere
deep inside me all the time. And it has been deciding my future.
Otherwise, how could I explain the fact that--in spite all my love for
chemistry and music--I chose to study the psychology of inhuman intelligent
beings. I think that even kids know that the subjects of my examination
live everywhere around except on the Earth. Destiny?
Until the previous
year, I worked at the "Earth Research Center of Intelligent Species of
the Universe." I was one of the leading designers. The job
was interesting, earnings were above expectations and all my friends envied
me. Then I met Sellena, got married and bought a small but comfortable
house. Shortly after that, I proudly looked at the newborn Latto
IV, wriggling in the cradle. I was sure everybody who knew me would
say that I got everything one could possibly wish for. And they would
probably be right. Only, I’d been looking for something new all my
life and I just couldn't draw a line and say: "I've got everything I’ve
wanted--I am satisfied." Not me. I'd been always looking for
something more. No matter what I'd succeeded, I wasn't satisfied.
And when I suddenly got a call from the "Aldebaran & Algol Scientist
Association," I accepted it immediately and delightfully. All that
I knew about them was that they had a ship of enormous capabilities; but
the details were not important to me anyway. Finally, there was something
new...
The first trip
should have lasted seven Earth years. As for me as a traveler, it
would have lasted no more than one year. I remember that Sellena
cried when I told her the news. She told me she would be old and
ugly when I came back. She was sure that was our separation.
(Why are women always so pathetic? One day I will carefully explore
that subject.)
"Does your son
have to grow without father, too," she asked.
I didn't see
anything wrong about that. I had never missed my father. How
could I ever miss a person I never knew?
And so I left.
* * *
Now, I'm on the
Earth again. I spent a whole year on the ship. A lot of work,
many unslept nights, but also a lot of pleasure. Yet, the time spent
on a ship runs much more slowly than the time spent on the Earth.
Some strange longing gets upon you and you start liking all the things
that have always annoyed you. Is it then strange that I spent hours
and hours thinking about my son and about Sellena...
I lost Sellena.
I knew that since the moment I left her. Seven years is a whole little
life for a woman of twenty-two. Besides that, I'm going to Orion
very soon. After Orion I am going to Vega, then to Betelgeuse, then
who knows where... When I finally come home she will not be alive
any more! Maybe it is the best solution not to visit her while I
am here. Anyway, it will certainly be best for her.
And what about
my son? Have I lost him, too? He is seven now. Does he
look like me? Does he prefer to play alone, too? Does he miss
me? But, how can he miss me, he doesn't even know me! And yet,
he is my son. I must not lose him!
And I knew perfectly
well how I could keep him...
I ran like mad
from store to store looking for a multicolored cloak that could cover my
black uniform. All the time, there was a picture of the Great Wizard
in front of my eyes. The picture of my father! Did I really
need so much time to comprehend?
* * *
He was sitting on
the bench and reading a book when I found him.
"Are you Latto
IV," I asked him. "I am looking for you."
The small shaggy
head rose and deep inside his clear, black eyes I found a flash of incomprehensible
identifying. At that very moment, I became sure that one day my son
would also start sailing through the unknown paths of the Universe, and
that I would, too--like my father and my grandfather before me--have enough
time to search for him and to find him somewhere among the stars...
Dragana Konstantinovic
Traanslated by the author
. |
