PEN'S FUNNIES

WELL, waddaya know! Pen isn't serious all the time and here's the awful proof of it! Never mind, click into some of Pen's favourite places for a giggle at six on a cold grey and wet morning and feel all the better or worse for it. Otherwise, scroll down to some jokes Pen has gleaned from friends and foes, both human and non-human animals.

By the way: Pen also has a couple more pages of jokes. Try these:

More Jokes From Pen

Yet More Jokes From Pen

PEN'S FAVOURITE THINGS TO CLICK INTO

Fat Cats - what's in a name?
Madam and Eve - from South Africa
Peanuts - the ONLY comic strip for Pen, except for . . .
Garfield - that other kat
Reality Check - for a reality check
Marmaduke - that dog
Calvin and Hobbs -
Cathy - for a non-human person, not bad
Nancy - a nostalgia trip
Doonesbury - totally kool
Dilbert - Pen is on a would-be learning curve with this one, we think
Committed - likewise
Herman - ?
Bizarro - I say nothing until I have spoken to my lawyer
Robotman - Phew! Back to the non-humans!
David Letterman - the not-the-comic-strip comic strip
Spam Haiku Archives - over 12,000 Spam haikus, also limericks, sonnets, editorials etc.
God's Homepage - so it says

GLEANINGS FROM PEN'S MAIL

(Jokes you can't live without?)

ONE OF THOSE JOKES ABOUT THE FAIRHAIRED

Two siblings, one fair and one dark (just like in the fairytale books), inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, the brunette says, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send the promised telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says,"I want to send a telegram back home to say that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I have to say I need the trailer hitched up to our pick-up truck and driven out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send a one-word telegram. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is anyone ever going to know that you want them to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send only the word, 'comfortable' ?"

The brunette explains, "My brother's blond. He'll read it slow."

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WHEN HELL FREEZES?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

* If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

* Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and Hell will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

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How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make thattwo. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

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