Improving Movies
We all know that there are many, many movies out there that just flat out suck. So I thought that I would come up with some ways to improve these movies, so that the viewers' time is not wasted. Of course these movies have already come out in theaters, so it is too late to change that. But we CAN replace every video/DVD copy of these movies with their new-and-improved version, so when people rent it, they will be seeing an actual GOOD movie instead of the stupidity-fest that they would have rented.
Romeo and Juliette (90's version)
Personally I do not care for Shakespeare. I feel that all of his plays are boring and pointless. But I had to see this movie, because, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio was in it. So I feel that this movie could be improved if, in every scene that Leo appeared in, INSTEAD of wearing the clothes he was wearing in the origional version of this movie, he was naked.
See, now the movie is MUCH better!
Runaway Bride
I did not see this movie, because it looked stupid, and also I hate chick flicks. But I DID see the previews. As I understand it, this movie is about Julia Roberts being in love with some old ugly dude. The part of the preview I remember is where Julia's grandma says, "I think he has a cute butt!" And Julia says, "Grandma!" And the grandma says, "Well, I do!"
I feel that the scene could be improved thusly:
Grandma: I think he has a cute butt!
Julia: Well, then why don't YOU date him? He's closer to your age!
Grandma: OK, I will!
Then the rest of the movie is about the grandma's romance with the old ugly dude.
Except that would actually be really boring, so INSTEAD...
(Leonardo DiCaprio comes out)
Leo: I think that I shall take off all of my clothes!
And that's the rest of the movie, just Leo, standin' there naked.
Wouldn't THAT attract a much larger female audience than the origional version? They could even make it thier slogan:
"Leonardo DiCaprio, naked. Now THIS is a chick flick!"
GI Jane
Besides the fact that this entire movie irritated me, the one scene that REALLY bugged me is where that ugly general is smoking a cigar, and then GI Jane comes in, and the general says, "Does the shape of this offend you?" And she says, "No, it's the sweet stench."
What a stupid comeback! I can think of something MUCH more clever that she could have said:
Gen. McUgly: Does the shape of this offend you?
GI Jane: Huh? Why would it?
McUgly: Uh, because, you know, it's shaped like, um, a penis.
GI Jane: It is? Uhhh...it's not shaped like any penis I'VE ever seen. Why would YOU think that a penis is shaped like that? With all due respect, sir, I think that if YOUR penis is shaped like that, you should seek some medical attention immediately.
McUgly: Well...uh...
GI Jane: And even if it WAS shaped like a penis, why would I be offended by it? It's just a body part. Am I offended by an arm? Am I offended by a leg?
McUgly: I have just realized how stupid I am.
(The general takes out a knife and stabs himself.)
GI Jane: Why in the hell do I want to be a member of this Kill Bot facory anyways? I'm going to go home and become a moral person.
Anyways, as the rest of the movie besides this scene is incredibly dull, and it will of course have to be cut out.
Soooo...
Now if there's one thing I want you to learn from this, it's that any movie can be improved by a little bit of Leo nudity. But we can't get TOO predictable, so AFTER Leo comes out and gets naked...
(Brad Pitt comes out)
Brad: I think that I, also, should take off all of my clothes.
Leo: Why, what a wonderful idea, Brad!
Brad: Hey, Leo. How about you and I engage in some sexual intercourse for the viewing enjoyment of the female audience members?
Leo: Yet ANOTHER great idea, Brad! I don't know HOW you come up with them!
(They have hot sex)
Event Horizon
I totally despise this movie. You know how sometimes, you see a movie and think, "I wish I had those two hours of my life back"? Well, after I saw this movie, I thought, "I wish they would invent a device that could erase the memory of this movie from my brain so that it would torment me no longer!"
The entire thing was just a bunch of disgusting, mutilated heads. This movie could be replaced with a large placard that reads:
INSERT PICTURES OF DECAPITATED BLOODY HEADS HERE
All actual copies of this movie should be incinerated, and then the ashes should be fed to insects, and then the insects should be killed with pesticides, and then the dead insect bodies should be put on a rocket ship and blasted into outer space, so that NO remnants of this horrible atrocity will plague the planet Earth any longer.
Bethoven
For one thing, I HATE that "Roll over Bethoven" song. For another, do you remember how at the very beginning of this movie, we find out that the father makes his kids get up every weekend morning at some ridiculous time like 5 AM? I think what should happen is that the kids tell their dad that people under the age of 21 actually need about 10 hours of sleep per night, and it's pretty much impossible to get that amount of sleep during the week because of all the school and homework and activities and jobs that most kids have, so they really need to catch up by sleeping extra on the weekends, because not getting enough sleep can actually contribute to a premature DEATH.
(This is true, by the way.)
Upon hearing this, the father realizes what an idiot he is, and goes and finds a gun and shoots himself.
Brad: Stupid people commiting suicide always puts me in the mood for a rousing round of hot sex with Leo!
Leo: Exactly what I was thinking, Brad!
And you get the idea.
Bethoven's 2nd
Can you belive they made a SEQUEL?! If I remember correctly, in this movie Bethoven runs away or gets kidnapped or lost or some crap.
Remember the scene in that Stephen King movie Needful Things, where this woman's dog had disappeared, and then she saw her dog coming through the pet door, but then it turned out that it was just her dog's HEAD, and the head fell through the pet door and she screamed and screamed?
Now, I love dogs, I have a dog of my own, but this scene just cracked me up.
So I think that the movie Bethoven could be greatly improved if the famliy was all sitting around the table for a nice dinner (minus the dad since he killed himself in the last movie!) and they see Bethoven coming through his pet door, and they think he's home, but...IT'S JUST HIS DISEMBODIED HEAD!
HA HA HA!
After that, well...if it ain't broke then don't fix it, so cue Brad and Leo!
As Good as it Gets
First of all this movie should be retitled As Good as it Sucks.
I mean it had no point whatsoever. This thing was about 5 hours long, yet NOTHING happened throughout the entire movie!
In the interest of time consevation, this movie should be replaced with this abbreviated script:
Some old guy: I have a mental disorder and I'm attracted to Helen Hunt.
Helen Hunt: I'm upset because my kid is sick or some crap.
Some gay dude: I'm mad because my dog doesn't like me or something.
[The three become friends. At the end, the old guy and Helen Hunt get together.]
See, you still get the WHOLE gist of the movie, yet you spend only about 15 seconds to read this instead of wasting many hours watching the entire movie!
Six Days, Seven Nights
OK, I did not actually see this movie, but it looked exteremly lame. I mean, am I the ONLY person who is tired of the plotline where some woman is really mean and bitchy to this guy for like NO reason, so OF COURSE this causes him to fall in love with her, and at the end she realizes that he is the only one who will accept her for what she is (a snobby loser) so they get together?
First of all the cast of this movie should be replaced with some attractive people, instead of the hideous ugmos that were actually in it. And secondly...
Aw, screw it. Let's just replace all copies of this movie with tapes of Porky's Revenge, which is an actual GOOD movie.
I'll Do Anything
This movie was AWFUL. Remember the scene where the guy is on the plane with the little girl, and she's whining, and then she starts hitting herself and the whole plane turns around and yells at the guy, "Don't hit her!" And he tries to explain that he wasn't hitting her but no one believes him?
I think what should happen in this scene is, after the people start yelling at the guy, he goes up to one of them and, a la Adam Sandler in Big Daddy, screams "Mind your business!" and tosses thier airline food on the floor. Then he should grab the brat by the hair and tell her that he's going to beat her snotty little ass when they get home.
Of course the rest of this movie is too boring to even recall, so we will have to replace it...
I know what you're thinking. Brad and Leo, right?
But actually this movie is beyond even the help of Brad and Leo.
The only thing that would actually make me want to see this movie again is if all the best anime couples admitted thier love for each other in it. (Yes, the movie is now animated, shut up.)
That means...
Ash x Gary
Heero x Duo
Matt x Tai
And heck, let's throw a straight couple in there...
Jesse x James
Then all the members of Team Chaos make a Special Guest Appearance (in thier animated forms) to be bridesmaids and groomsmen in the weddings.
French Kiss
I actually saw this movie for some incoprehensible reason.
What happens is this woman is on a plane or a train or something, and this really old, unattactive man sits down next to her. He ends up informing her that he lost his virginity to a prostitute when he was like 13.
Now if it had been ME on that plane, and some old guy was telling me this, I would be ringing for the cabin attendant like mad. I would tell him or her that they needed to change my seat IMMEDIATELY, because there was some crazy old guy telling me about his history of using whores.
But this is not what happens in the movie. Instead, the woman falls in love with the guy.
This movie would be far better if Brad and Leo showed up on the plane.
Brad: Leo, I can't help but feel that we are in a rut. It seems that all we ever do anymore is have hot sex with each other.
Leo: You are right as always, Brad.
Brad: I think that this time, we should invite Ted Raimi to join us.
Leo: Why, you've done it AGAIN, Brad! You're a genius!
Ted: Why, here I am, naked!
[The three have some hot sex]
See how easy that is? The general public could omit thousands of hours of wasted time if ALL boring movies were improved like this!
