Los Angeles, California + + The doorbell jarred me awake early the next morning and I stumbled down the stairs, still wearing just my boxers. I ran a hand through my hair and opened the door to find a stunning looking brunette standing there. I looked at myself in the hallway mirror. To put in nicely, I looked like shit. + + Ally + +
2005
Zac
Do you want to know something? Loneliness truly sucks. I suppose it's something you just think you are. Because if you think about it, you can be sitting with someone you've known your whole entire life and think, "I'm lonely." Because loneliness isn't just about being alone. It's about feeling alone and not really having anyone to pour your guts out to or really talk to...like get into a deep conversation about absolutely anything. And it wouldn't matter what the conversation was about because that person would mean so much to you that it just wouldn't matter to you in the least bit. You'd sit there and listen to them blab about how bad their hair looked that day or how scummy their date was. See, that's why I'm so thankful for Kat. Because she makes me feel...not lonely. She makes me feel like I was really put on this earth for something. That might sound sort of absurd, but she makes me feel special. And I like feeling special.
"Do you want to know something?" Kat flung a piece of popcorn in my face. You see, that's what's so special about her. I can sit on the floor on that stupid Mickey Mouse blanket she's had since she was five with her and eat popcorn and ask her for advice and talk to her about anything I feel I need to get out of me. And it's nice to have someone like that in your life.
"Ummm...that depends."
"Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. I saw..." She looked up at me. "A really hot guy today. And you wanna know what he did?"
"What'd he do?"
"He gave me his number." She nodded. I rolled my eyes.Another thing about Kat. She's beautiful. Not just in that wow, look at her' beautiful...she's, 'oh my God, what a babe, drop dead gorgeous, damn look at her' type beautiful. And I've come to realize this over the past few years. But she doesn't let the attention the male gender gives to her get to her.
Because she's dating my brother, Taylor. And she has been for a year. But I know something she doesn't. He's cheating on her. And I think it's sinful. But I can't rat on my brother like that, even if Kat is my best friend. I feel terrible, knowing Taylor says he's going away for weekends for the band or whatever and he really goes to Gabi's. It makes me feel disgusted with him but I can't do anything about it. It hurts me to have to keep something like that from Kat, especially when she deserves to know. My brother truly is a scumbag for cheating on her like that.
"What a suprise." I sarcastically answered her remark. She shrugged.
"I just thought I'd tell you. Maybe I should've went out with him behind Taylor's back."
My eyes widened and I thought they would pop out of my skull.
"Haha, haha, very funny, Kat, you are absolutely crazy...I know you and Taylor could never do that...either of you. Haha, haha, funny, Kat." I gave her a fake laugh. She raised one eyebrow.
"Um, yeah, Zac." She reached over and grabbed the remote control from my hand. I love her hands. She has the most...beautiful hands a person can have. She's got long, slim fingers and just the right length of nails-not too long, not too short. When she gets extremely nervous, she bites the skin around her nail. It's annoying, but I've gotten used to it.
"So, Zac, what'd you do today?" She asked, finally flipping the TV off. I closed my eyes halfway and then opened them.
"Well, umm...I went up to Bryan's Market up the road and bought a gallon of that ice cream you like...but I ate it all, so there isn't any left...and I asked out this really hot chick at the counter while I was paying for it...she turned me down...and..." I stopped as she started laughing. "What?!?What'd I say?"
Kat has an amazing laugh. She doesn't laugh that often, just when somebody says something really funny. And you should consider it an honor if she laughs at something you say-whether it be laughing at you or with you, because obviously you're a pretty funny person.
"Y-you're just so funny, Zac. I mean, you asked out a girl and she turned you down? That hasn't happened since you were like, twelve. And you hate that ice cream stuff. Not to mention there is no Bryan's Market up the road." Her eyes sparkled. "Besides, even if that stuff would've really happened, that girl would've been crazy for turning you down." She smiled and hit my arm playfully. I let a smile play across my face, but I couldn't get her words out of my mind. She was right on everything...no market...that ice cream is gross...I haven't been turned down since I was twelve.
That's why I hate dating anyone who didn't know me before the fame. Because they date me because I'm the goddamned fucking drummer of Hanson...or Taylor's brother. And it kills me when I find out that's why they date me. So I've pretty much given up dating altogether.
"Well," Kat stood up, looking at her watch. "I'm thirsty. You want something? I'm going to make a Margarita." She grinned and winked at me. "Want one?"
"Uh, no. I'll get into trouble. Wait, I guess so."
"Zac, how old are you?" She teased.
"Umm...nineteen, I think." I responded.
"Oh. Okay. I thought you were ten." She turned on her heel and walked into the kitchen, her hair swaying behind her. Kat has this long, blond hair that drives men crazy. I personally go for brunettes more than blondes. Hmm.
In a way, I'm glad Taylor is gone at Gabi's. Otherwise, Kat wouldn't be with me.
"Zac..." Taylor's whisper snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Huh?" I turned and shot him a confused look. "What are you doing here?!" I hissed. Taylor looked into the kitchen and put a finger to his lips to shush me. He pointed to the back door.
"Meet me out back." He bolted before I could say another word of protest. I sighed, pushed my anger into the back of my head and made my way to the back door. I quietly unlocked the dead bolt lock, opened the door, and closed it as quietly as I could. I turned to Taylor, my anger showing in my face as soon as we made eye contact.
"What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were with Gabi!" I could no longer hold the anger in my voice back. I no longer wanted to either. I was sick of lying, sick of betraying my best friend like I was.
"I was. I am. She's in the car. But I wanted to make sure everything is okay-" He started. I shook my head vigorously.
"No! It's not okay, Taylor! You're cheating on her! Damn it, the fucking hoe is in your car! Your girlfriend is in the house. Why don't you tell her what you've been doing the past two months?! Huh, Tay, huh? I'm not covering up for you anymore!" I shouted.
Taylor's eyes became fearful. I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed seeing him squirm as he was. It left me in a state of satisfaction.
We both turned when we heard the rustle of leaves. Gabi stood there.
"Uh, Gab-" Taylor began, reaching for her hand. The porch light came on and Kat stepped outside. Taylor froze like a deer caught in headlights. Kat's eyes trailed from Taylor's face to his hand, with was grasping Gabi's tightly. Her face tightened and she looked at me. I didn't do anything.
"Taylor, do you have something to tell me?" Her voice was angry. Obviously. But it wasn't mistaken...she hid her emotions like that usually. Not now. Taylor looked at me as if asking for help. I shook my head.
"Um, yeah, Kat. We have a lot to talk about. Sit down. Gabi, Zac, please leave. Kat and I need to talk alone."
Kat shook her head. "No. Taylor, we have nothing to talk about. I just want to tell you something-you're a sneak, a cheat, a liar, an asshole, and I never want to lay eyes on you again!" She screamed and ran inside the house.
Taylor looked at me. I shook my head at him, my jaw clenching.
"She's right, Taylor, that's what you are. You're a lieing, cheating asshole. And you want to know something else? You're a jerk. Because the whole reason you're with Gabi is because she gives you a good lay. The only reason you're not with Kat anymore is because all she ever laid on you were her eyes. Hmm. What does that come out to prove, brother?" I gave him a sickened look and made my way into the house,hoping to find Kat somewhere where I could easily comfort her.
She was laying on her bed. She was curled up in a ball and her hair was drawn around her face, covering her eyes. I leaned down next to the bedside and pushed her hair out of her face.
"Kat?" She looked up at me the minute I said her name. I think she was hoping I was Taylor.
"What do you want?" She asked. I pushed her over and sat on the edge on the bed.
"I'm sorry. My brother is an asshole." I apologized. She let a small smile play across her face.
"It's okay, Zac, it's not your fault. I should've known that something bad was going to come out of this relationship. After all, I was dating Taylor Hanson." She shrugged and sat up. I watched the way her eyes slowly filled with tears again, how they became so sad and angry at the same time, but they still remained beautiful. Now how a person can be sad, angry, and beautiful at the same time is above me. But she was.
"Why do I always get stuck with the bad guys? They're cute, they're charming, they stick around for a year, and then they turn out to be asshole's." Kat muttered, uttering a strange laugh. It was a mix of anger and sadness in her voice, but when she laughed, it was like she had said something funny.
"I don't know, Kat, and I'm sorry, I'm ashamed he's my brother at this point." I reached for her hand but she pulled away as soon as we touched. "Kat, you're special, you'll find somebody better than Taylor...somebody who'll be loyal and honest. I know you will."
She closed her eyes and was asleep five minutes later. I wondered how she could fall asleep after she'd just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. It was one of those wonders of people...things you just can't picture yourself doing and you think it's strange that somebody else can do it.
But I sat there watching her for a good hour, my mind pondering the possibilities of what was going to happen next. Would she go back to Taylor? Probably. Would she forgive Taylor? Probably. Would she now give me the time of day when she was with Taylor? Probably not.
"Can I help you?" I grumbled. She gave me the head-to-toe and then nodded.
"Are you Zac?"
"Yeah. That would be me." I responded, my voice starting to wake up a little.
"Um, I'm Katarina's cousin, Ally. I'm staying here for the summer." She held out her hand. I slowly took it and we shook. She pulled away and looked behind me. Her eyes brightened.
"Kat!" She reached forward and pulled Kat towards her. Kat laughed and grinned. I watched them walk away and my eyes followed Ally.
I felt like I should drop to my knees and thank the good Lord for letting this babe into my house for the summer. She was beautiful. I don't mean it like 'wow look at her' beautiful she's the...'oh my God, look at her, what a major hottie, what a babe, damn look at her!' beautiful. Like Kat in a way....except Kat is too much like my sister to think of her as anything but a friend. Woah, wait a second! I'd never say my sister is hott.
"Special One, you coming?" Kat appeared in the doorway to the living room. I smiled and nodded, stepping into the living room slowly. Ally didn't seem oblivious to the way I was studying her.
Either that or she didn't care. But I took an immediate liking to her and she hadn't said but three words. Hmm. All I have to say is thank you Lord.
"Zac," I awoke two days later to Kat's voice. I groaned, sleep still looming over me. I rubbed my eyes and raised my eyes to her expectantly. If she was going to wake me up early, she'd better have a good reason.
"I have to go to work...um, maybe you could take Ally out or something. I'll see ya later." She waved.
I let my head fall back against my pillow. She woke me up for that? After spending all day with Ally yesterday, I knew her pretty well. I came to realize she was very snobby...but that just made me more interested for some reason.
Taking a quick glance at my alarm clock, I realized in dismay it was time to get up. 10:30. Getting up is the absolute worst part of the whole day. I love to sleep, so I hate getting up. I threw on a pair of jeans over my boxers and grabbed a white wifebeater and a blue, gray, and green over-shirt. I left the buttons on the over-shirt unbuttoned and walked downstairs. Ally was already sitting in the living room watching TV. I stood in the doorway for a second and observed her. I love watching her hair fall over her face so smoothly, watching her twirl it around her little index finger. In the two days I've known her for, I've noted she does that often. When she looked up and saw me watching her a suprised smile came across her face. She's got the same smile as Kat, except she's got a dimple in her right cheek which makes her smile seem brighter.
"Whatcha watching'?" I asked, moving towards her and glancing obliviously towards the TV. Sally Jesse Raphael's face appeared on the screen when I started to pay attention to it. Oh, I absolutely despise talk shows. They give me the chills, butting into other people's lives like they do...that's what they appear to do, anyway.
"Sally." She replied, then smirked, "My Teenage Daughter Is Sleeping Around!" She pointed to the caption on the screen and shook her head in mere disgust, clicking the TV off with the remote control she held in her hand.
"I hate talk shows." She gave me a sheepish smile. "Do you like them?"
"Talk shows? No, I hate them. They always seem to be butting into other people's business." I remarked. She nodded her head in agreement and followed me into the kitchen. I looked at my watch and then threw her a look of content.
"Hey, you wanna go out to eat or something? I'm starved." I mumbledgrabbing my keys and walking to the door to put on my shoes. I waited by the door for what seemed like hours, but it was genuinely only about ten minutes until she came into the hallway. She had pulled her hair up, and changed into a tank top that showed her stomach just by a slight bit. The first thing I noticed was not her tan stomach, but the silver and purple navel ring. It looked so cool, I had to ask her about it.
"Didn't that hurt?" I pointed to her stomach as we climbed into my blue Porsche. She shook her head, looking down at it.
"Not really. My best friend did it for me a few months ago. It's kind of just become a part of me...I mean, I'm so used to it I hardly even realize it's there anymore." She shrugged and snapped her seatbelt across her.
I pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant called Brandi's. It's a popular place to just hang out with friends at. Friday and Saturday night it's packed. I usually bring my dates here...or I did, when I dated, anyway.
"I'm Stacie, I'll be your waitress today..." I looked up at the mention of a girl named Stacie. Hmm. What a shock. My ex-girlfriend. One of the many. The way she looked at me assured me she wasn't going to say anything. She gulped and took a deep breath.
Do you want to know what's funny? About ninety-nine percent of my girlfriend's have said I've slept with them and then dumped them. It's not even the fact that they said something like that that it bothers me so damn much...it's that for half of them it's not been true. For a few of them it has been. But it's never stopped anyone from dating me. It's sort of like they wanted to be the next that I slept with and then dumped. Sometimes it does scare girls off, but not in most cases.
"Can I get you anything to drink?" Stacie asked, resting her weight on one foot. We both ordered Dr.Pepper's and I watched Stacie leave. I let out a breath of relief when she was out of eyesight. Ally leaned in a little closer to me and narrowed her eyes.
"Do you know her?" It was like she could sense something wrong.
"Yeah. She's an ex-girlfriend." I accented the ex part and watched her eyes. That was something I found interesting about Ally. You could almost tell what she was feeling by looking at her eyes.
"Oh." Her response was simple.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked her as Stacie brought our drinks to us. Ally took a drink of her Dr.Pepper and looked back towards me.
"Yeah. He lives in Tulsa...Jake Brunixe. Do you know him?" She asked.
I nodded.
Jake. Of course I knew him. Who didn't? He was one of my good friends.
I couldn't help but let the disappointment of the matter seep into my facial expressions. It was so unfair. When I was actually interested in a girl, she was taken. When she didn't want to date me for my brother, she was taken. When she didn't care that I was the fucking drummer of Hanson, she was taken. You see a girl you want to fuck, she's taken. Where is that four leaf clover when you need it?
I have to go see a therapist because of my problems. I supposedly 'intimidate' many girls and that is a problem, or that is how my parent's see it. She's a fifty-year-old woman from God knows where but she has got amazing legs.
"Zac. Do you know how long we've been at this?" Dr.Burham turned her attention towards me.
"Four months."
"You have made no progress."
"I know." I took out a cigarette and lit it. It made her immediately pissed and she took it out of my hand, slamming it into the desk to put it out and then throwing it into the trashcan. I sighed and leaned back against the uncomfortable chair.
I truthfully do not see the point of this therapy. It's stupid and a waste of my money. I know there have got to be a lot of guys dying to be in my place...so I like to fuck. What's the problem with this? I don't see it.
Dr.Burham looked up from her notes to study me. I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation.
"What? Do you expect me to feel remorse because I'm like this? Truth is, I don't." I shrugged and stood up. Dr.Burham shook her head and stood up. I continued.
"Look, I'm not like a regular high school guy. Okay? I don't care about book reports or homework. Teachers are morons anyways. The only real challenge out there for me is women. You find a girl you like. You pursue her. You fuck her. You move on. It's exciting. I really don't understand, though, it's not like I do it with every girl in sight. I've only slept with about ten girls, Doc." I reminded her. Ten didn't seem like alot to me.
"Yes, but you promise them the world and then dump them. That is wrong. And you need help for it."
"What the FUCK? I need help for it? It's not like I'm the only guy who does that! Besides, I haven't even fucked a girl in like, two years!" I shouted. Dr.Burham nodded.
"Yes, and if every guy who did that got therapy then there wouldn't be so many unwanted teen pregnancies, would there?" She pointed out. I sighed and slumped in my chair.Then I stood up.
"This is bullshit. I'm not paying for this anymore and they can't make me come back here. I'm eighteen years old. I can fuck whoever I feel I need to fuck, I can do whatever I need to do...so just FUCK OFF!" I screamed and ran out of the room. Not only was I pissed, I was horny. And a horny and pissed guy is not someone you want to run into.
Have you ever wished the floor would just open up and swallow you whole? That's how I felt when Zac walked in on Jake and I kissing when we were practically naked. It was truly humiliating. I think Zac was pretty embarrassed too because he just mumbled a few words under his breath and ran out.
It's funny...I really do like Jake alot, but I'm not in love with him. I've been with him for four months and we've never said those words. I've always dreamt of saying those three words to somebody...somebody special. I'll know I'm in love when I'm willing to sacrifice anything for him, give up anybody for him,lie, cheat, die for him. That's when I'll know I'm in love. And that person is going to be so special.
I sometimes wonder who is my soulmate. Have I passed him on the street? Does he live down the road from me? Do I even know him yet? It sometimes frustrates me, not knowing who I'll end up with. I have had fanciful mental images of what I think he looks like. Back in high school I would sit in class and fantasize about him...I'd look next to me and think, is my lab partner my soulmate? And then I'd think, "If it's Pete, I think I'll die". But now that I think back, if my soulmate was Pete, then I wouldn't have thought of him like that. As far as I know, Pete could be my soulmate.
Some people don't believe in soulmates, but I have faith in the existence of mine. I think he's out there somewhere...not necessarily waiting for me or anything, but he's out there. It could be right here in Los Angeles, or it could be way over in New York. But he'll find me somehow. That's how much faith I have.
Every guy I've dated so far has respected my belief of waiting until marriage until sex. I have a ring on my left hand pointing to the fact that I believe in waiting that will be replaced with my wedding ring on my big day. People think that since I'm a virgin I'm a huge goody-good full of innocence. They're wrong. Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you don't do anything sexual. I'm eighteen years old, so of course I've done something sexual. I've probably done everything besides sex. But we don't need details.
"Ally?" Zac's voice made me jump. I turned slowly. I shifted uncomfortably.
"Yeah?" I croaked. Being uncomfortable around a guy who has a bad reputation is easy for me. But I didn't want to go into blaming him about anything until I knew the truth. I made too many assumptions as it was and I didn't want him to think I was a snob...although he probably did think that considering the fact I'd been acting that way all day. I didn't know how to act around him after I heard a few rumors from Jake. I figured Jake wouldn't lie since they were friends, but I think Jake thought maybe I'd fall for Zac. That is crazy, since Zac isn't my type. He's far from it, actually.
"Um, Iwasjustwonderingifididsomethingwrongcuzyou'vebeenreallyrudetomeallday-" He began, his speaking all bunched up. I held up my hand and stood.
"Wait! Slow down and start over."
He took a deep breath and licked his lips. "I just wanted to know if I did something to you to make you hate me...you know, because you've been acting rude to me all day and I don't know what I did." His voice sounded so sweet and I couldn't turn away.
"Um, no. I'm sorry." I apologized and brushed passed him. I turned again to see if he was following me. He was still in the same position as when I'd walked from the room. I turned as quick as I could when he turned and walked into his own room. This was going to be a long summer.
I walked into Kat's room and sat down on her bed to wait for her to come upstairs. I knew she came up to change every night at 10:00. I wonder where she got the organization genes. I sure as hell didn't inherit them. Unfortunate for me and all the people around me.
"Kat I need to talk to you." I said as soon as she walked. She narrowed her eyes and sat down next to me. I spoke before she could. "Are the rumors about Zac true?"
She sighed and took a deep breath. "Well...it's a long story."
"I've got time, so tell me."
She began. "About three years ago Zac lost his virginity. He started to mess with all his girlfriends, promising them the world to get them into bed with him. He supposedly 'intimidated' them. He didn't know what he was doing, he was only sixteen. He hasn't even slept with a girl in like a year and a half, but his parents believe he still needs therapy to overcome his 'problem'. I, personally, don't see any problem with him being a typical guy. I bet you if you went around asking a guy for the God honest truth they'd tell you they've promised a girl everything to get them into bed. But no, the rumors, whatever they are, aren't true. He doesn't do that anymore, he only did it a few times to begin with. It's really a messed up situation and you wouldn't understand very well unless you were there at the beginning. But Zac wouldn't do that to
you...you know..." She winked and grinned.
"Know what?"
"If you want to date him." She responded, changing into her pajama's.
"Date him? Haha, no thank you, I have a boyfriend." I stood, clapped my hands together, and walked out of the room. I, for some reason, was not satisfied with Kat's story about Zac.
"Ally." Jake walked into my room later that day. I turned, beaming at him.
"I gotta go to Florida." He leaned in and kissed me. He was gone before I could say a singular word of protest.
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I've never been unsatisfied with my reflection, but there are times when I'm not exactly satisfied wither. What I see is a typical nineteen year old girl. Nothing ugly, nothing exactly beautiful either, though. My dark hair is medium-length, dropping about two inches past my shoulder. My eye color varies, depending on my mood. Usually they're brown. When I do get angry though, they turn green. It's sort of bizarre, but I like being different.
Why is it that when people look at somebody they think they automatically know what the person is like? I suppose it's normal for the average human being to do that, but why can't people see past looks? Can you imagine how happy the world would be if every man or woman was blind? I just wonder...what makes that overweight girl in high school a loser? What if she's got something special, deep inside of her that nobody will know about until they dare get closer to her? And what about the guy with the braces,
glasses, 4.0 GPA, and a Yale Scholarship? What makes him a nerd? Is it that he's smarter than the jock who gives him wedgies and shoves him into lockers? And think about the jock. He's got a tutor to help keep his math grade a C so he can continue playing football. Then there is the tall, blond girl with big boobs who is supposedly 'easy' but is still a virgin. How is that possible? You see, people judge others by looks, but really, deep down inside, we all know that the nerdy guy going to Yale will become more successful in life than the good-looking jock who is braindead. Because when it all comes down to it, looks won't get you anywhere. So why do we judge people by them? The question remains unanswered. I can be a little hard-nosed sometimes, but I can't help it.
I've never been in any of those positions, I was always just average in high school. But look at Zac- he's good-looking, rich, smart, famous. His parent's thought he intimidated many girls. So maybe he did, but did they have any idea what was going on in his head right then? No, they didn't, they just assumed he needed help. But the fact it happened 2 to 3 years makes me wonder if that is the real reason he's being to see the therapist. Maybe they just think he needs to talk to someone. But maybe he needs a real person to talk to, not just someone who gets paid to help people and send them on their way. Maybe he needs to fall in love.
+
I jumped when I felt Zac sit down beside me on the couch. He pulled out a ciggarette, lit it up with a blue lighter, and threw the cigarette pack aside when he realized in dismay that it was empty.
"You smoke?" I was suprised. He shrugged.
"Sometimes. When people are really getting on my nerves and I'm at wit's end I do to calm myself down. It works." He responded. I nodded slowly and looked back at the television. I watched it for a few minutes before he spoke up again.
"Is there something you wanna talk about? You've been acting kind of weird around me." He said softly. I turned to him once again.
"I'm a virgin." I said slowly. He raised his eyebrows.
"So?"
"So I've heard rumors about you and you just don't seem like the type of guy I'd want to hang with."
"Rumors? RUMORS? Goddammit! I'm sick of it. They're all untrue, Ally, you have to believe me." His voice was so sincere I just had to believe him. The rumors were started by his ex-girlfriend's, I knew that. I just wanted to know if there was any truth in them, and from his words, there wasn't. And it was a more satisfying answer than Kat's.