I looked up from the magazine I was reading when Zac walked in. He had a huge smile on his face as he sat down across from me. It'd been a while since I'd seen him smile like that and I just had to smile back.
"Mornin'." He greeted, looking out the window with a far off look in his eyes.
"Morning. Why you so happy?" I took a sip of my coffee and slapped his arm playfully. He snapped out of his trance and shrugged as Ally walked in.
"I don't know."
Ally sat down in his lap. I shot them both a puzzled look and grinned.
"Catch me up here."
"I think you know." Zac said quietly, his face flushing. My eyes widened.
"Did you guys fuck?"
"Maybe."
"Hmm." This shocked me. Ally believed in waiting until marriage, she even had the ring to prove it...well, it was gone now. At least she had the decency to take it off. I didn't know whether to be dissapointed in her or happy for her. I didn't see it to be possible that you could fall in love after only two weeks, but I suppose when it comes down to it, it is possible.
"Well." I finally said something.
Ally stood up and looked at the clock. "I-I need to go somewhere." She grabbed my car keys and walked outside. Zac sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"What's goin' on, Zac?" I questioned. I was curious. I didn't want to seem nosy, but I couldn't help my curiousity.
"Nothing's going on, Kat." He assured me and stood up. "Yeah, we slept together last night." With that he walked from the room. As if I didn't know that, Zac.
Reluctantly I got up from my chair and followed him. He was sitting on his bed in his room, his t-shirt thrown on the floor and he had his hands behind his head.
"You okay?" I asked him. He gulped and nodded.
He'd been there for me when I was upset about Taylor. Now it was my turn to be there for him.
"I-I don't know, really, Kat. I don't know what's happening. I mean, last night, it was all so perfect...me and Ally, together. But now it just seems different. I know I love her," He began, "But I don't understand how or why it all happened so quickly." Tears fell down his cheeks.
"I think Ally's just...she's probably worried about what her parent's are going to think. Her mom, her father. They've been so proud of her for keeping her virginity like she has. But I really don't think she regrets losing it with you. She just always wanted to wait until she was married." I assured him. I didn't like seeing him in this state. He was so sad, so unhappy...which was unusual for Zac. He was usually as happy as a person can be. Not tonight.
"When she gets home, tell her I'm upstairs." Zac slipped by me before I could say anything else. Wasn't I supposed to be his best friend? Wasn't he supposed to be able to talk to me? I guess there are some things we don't talk about, but still...it hurts me emotionally to know he can't talk to me about Ally. My own cousin.
"Kat?" I turned and came face-to-face with a very familiar person. Taylor. "Taylor, please, I have absolutely nothing to say to you. So you can just leave. You know how to get out." I shoved past him and ran up the stairs without turning back.
"Raven." I knocked on my best friend's door quietly. She answered, wearing baggy khaki pants and a tight gray FBI tank top.
She noticed the tears on my face and pulled me inside, drawing me into a hug for a second and then pulling away.
"Ally, what's wrong?" She asked, leading me into the living room and pulling me down next to her on the couch. I explained the situation with Zac to her, not skipping a word. She listened, nodding every once in a while.
"Wow, Al." She bit down on her lip. "I don't know what to say. I mean, it sounds as if he really loves you, but the question is more...do you love him?"
That set me into thought. "Of course I do. I know I do." I sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. "I'm just confused as to where our relationship is going. I mean, we've known eachother for around three weeks, I think. I don't know him as well as I should, but the feeling I get around him is so...strong. It's amazing and he makes me feel wonderful." I smiled.
Raven studied my eyes. "You're afraid." She declared after a second.
"That's ridiculous! I am not afraid." I crossed my arms over my chest and stood up stubbornly.
"Jesus Christ, Ally, yes you are. It's so obvious." She stood and walked to the phone, picking it up and dialing a number.
"Who are you calling?" I questioned.
"Zac."
"Um...hi, is this Kat?...yeah, this is Raven...uh-huh, she's here...yes, can I talk to Zac, please?...thanks..." Raven paused. "Zac, hi, this is Raven, Ally's best friend...yeah, she is here...um, I think she's okay, maybe you can talk to her." She shoved the phone in my face as I shook my head furiously. Groaning, I picked up the phone.
"Zac." I took a deep breath.
"Why did you run off so quickly?" He questioned as soon as he heard my voice.
"I had to."
"Why did you have to?"
"Because, Zac, I'm confused." I responded, glaring at Raven.
"I'll talk to you more when I get home. I'll explain then. Bye." I started to hang up when his voice stopped me.
"Ally? I love you." Click. The next sound was a dial tone. I slowly hung the phone on the hook and sighed.
"Thanks a bunch, Rav." I rolled my eyes and fell to the floor. Picking my head up, I looked at her slowly. "I don't know what to do."
"Well if you love him, Al, then you'll know what to do." She stood and slapped her knees after taking a look at her watch. "Ya should probably go."
"Yeah. You're probably right." I reached forward to hug her. She didn't let go of me for a good five minutes, and I didn't pull away.
"I love ya." She grinned and walked with me to the door.
"Bye." I waved and walked towards my car. Tears sprung in my eyes as I thought about how lucky I was to have Raven. Every girl needs a friend like Raven...someone to diss your worst enemies, to put down your ex-boyfriends behind his back, to just be there for you completely whenever you need her. Even though it'd only been three weeks since I'd seen Raven, it was three weeks too long. Although she only lived about a half hour away from Tulsa, I just never went to see her,and she never came to see me. It didn't matter. She was still there when I needed her the very most.
+
"Ally!" Kat's voice boomed as soon as I walked into the doorway.
"Yeah." I responded, reaching down to take off my shoes and taking my jacket off my shoulders. I looked up just as Zac came up behind Kat. He was wearing jeans, no shirt, and his chest was just...amazing. I guess I never really paid much attention to it before that, but when he was standing there like that...I blinked and shoved a forced smile their way.
"Are you okay?" Kat asked. I nodded.
"Um, yeah...why would you ask that?" I pretended to be confused. Kat shrugged.
"Just wondering. I'll let you two talk." She looked at me and then Zac and scrambled out of the room. Zac clenched his jaw and he gulped, walking towards me.
"I just want to know what's going on." He demanded, resting his weight on one foot. "Ally, you're really messing with my head here."
I looked up at him. Suddenly I didn't know what I felt.
"I don't know, Zac, I'm just as confused as you are. I don't know what to think. Hell, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I-I just need some time." I admitted.
He stood there for what seemed like ten million hours. Gulping, he just nodded and stalked off.
What am I doing? I have a great guy and I'm just pushing him away. The thought of Zac just forced me to fall to the floor in tears.
"If you love him, then you'll know what to do." Raven's words clicked into my head and I stood. Wiping my salty tears away with the back of my hand, I walked up the stairs, slowly, and could hear Zac's radio playing.
"Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above."
"Zac?" Knocking on his door, I walked in and shut it behind me without waiting for his reply. He was laying on his bed, on his back with his arms behind his head.
"What do you want?" His voice was cold and angry. I'd never heard him sound like this before.
"I'm sorry." Those two words don't seem to have much meaning anymore.
He shrugged and stood up, making his way towards the window.
"Ally, you don't know me well." He said, turning around.
I shifted uncomfortably and nodded. "I know."
"So I really truly don't think that what you feel for me is love. I think it's just a strong lust or maybe like. Not love. Because love is a feeling that you know you're feeling. It's not something you think you're feeling, not something you're unsure you're feeling, something you just...know."
I pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear and leaned in to kiss him. "I don't so, Zac."
He started to respond but then shut up in confusion. "You don't so?" He laughed. "That doesn't make any sense."
I bit down on my lip. "Well, I don't want to say 'I don't think so' because I know I love you...so, I don't so you know." I laughed. "Nevermind."
He pulled me towards him. "Okay."
"I am so confused." Sighing, I sat down on his bed.
He glanced at me and a strange look came over his face. "I know you are." He gave me a thoughtful look.
"Maybe we should just lay low and see what happens." I suggested after a minute. Dissapointment invaded his face, but he nodded slowly. "Okay. So let's do this. We'll just...act like nothing ever happened between us." I stood, trying not to let the sadness seep into my veins.
I walked from his room and slowly made my way to my room, shutting the door quietly behind me and flicking on my radio so my sobs would be smothered. I turned on Trisha Yearwood's "She's In Love With The Boy" and leaned back against my pillow, the one's Zac and I had been laying next to eachother on, holding eachother, just a few nights before. Confusion was blocking any entry of thought. I didn't know what to do, what to feel, nothing. I didn't know anything. My mind was completely blank.
Finally pushing the confusion aside, I managed to think of some other things. What if he got involved with another girl? What if he just...decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and I realized I really wanted to be with him? Fuck it. Deciding to sleep it off, I laid down and fell asleep not long after.
I don't know why I cheated on Kat. I guess it doesn't matter because I'm not hurting and she doesn't seem to be hurting. I suppose it was a sign that we weren't meant for eachother. But her cousin sure as hell is hott. I guess it kind of made her pissed when she found me in bed with Renee, but...oh well. Life goes on.
"Um, sir, can you please tell me what you want to drink? I don't have all day." The waitress standing in front of me snapped. I slammed my hand down on the table. I hate it when waitresses are rude.
"You don't have to get all pissy." I said loudly, but not loud enough to draw any bystanders attention. I don't like drawing attention to myself. My appearance does that enough.
"Sorry." She apologized but her voice didn't sound the least bit apologetic.
"Um...just a coffee. Thanks." Before she turned, I managed to get a look at her nametag. Priya.
+
I jumped when the door opened and Priya stepped out. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a package of cigarette's and a blue lighter. Lighting one up, she jumped when she spotted me.
"Whoops. Sorry." She apologized and raised one eyebrow. "You been waiting out here all night?" She questioned. Ah. So she remembered me.
"Um, yeah..."I fumbled with a loose string on my t-shirt, "I really need to bum a cigarette." I came up with an excuse. A lame one, but it was an excuse.
Laughing, she handed me a cigarette and held out the lighter to me. After lighting it, she put it in her pocket.
"You don't look like the type to need to wait around a crappy cafe waiting for someone to bum a cigarette off of. So what's the real reason you're out here?" She questioned me, curousity filling her freckled face. Pulling her long, straight red hair back into a ponytail, she began walking down the street without waiting for my answer.
"I wanted to see you." I called behind her, running to catch up. She waved her hand behind her, motioning for me to go on my own little way. I stopped. No girl ever turned away from me before.
And there was something about Priya that made me want to get to know her a little better. Though the chances of that happening now were quite slim, considering the fact she'd run from me just seconds before.
+
The shock I got when I found Jaron entwined with some brunette in the living room was quite big.
"Uh, s-sorry."I stumbled. The girl pulled away from Jaron and looked up at me. Ally! Even bigger shock. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
"Umm..." She stumbled, standing up and reaching for her jacket. She left before even so much as giving me a two word explanation. I looked to Jaron.
"Well?" I crossed my arms, demanding an explanation from him. Why do I always get the asshole best friends as roomates?
"We were kissing. No big deal. She's a hottie. Why shouldn't I kiss her?" Jaron walked away. That's what everyone was doing to me. Walking away. Freaks.
I guess Ally's suggestion took me by suprise. I don't want to try other people. Not when the rest of my life should be spent with her. I don't know how I know the rest of my life should be spent with her, I just do. It just seems...right. Even if exactly twenty seven days have passed since she suggested 'laying low'...it's still hard. Seeing her with a different guy every night. Seeing her kiss them goodnight. I don't know what happened between us to make her decide she didn't want to be with me, but if I could go back in time and change it, I would.
"Special One?" Kat poked her head in my room cautiously.
"Huh? Oh. Yeah?" I looked up towards her and gave her a slight smile.
"Are you okay?" She sat down on the edge of my bed. "I know you're upset about Ally still, but ya know...if you ever need to talk, I'm here." She reached over and ruffled my hair.
"Yeah. I know, Special K. Thanks." I waved her away and she left. Her presence still stayed in the room though. I could still feel someone there-
"Zac?" Ally came up behind me.
"Ally." I gulped and looked away. I couldn't look her in the eye anymore. It just wasn't possible.
"Yeah?"
"I have someone for you to meet." She stepped aside and a...beautiful brunette stepped up beside her.
"This is Raven." Ally introduced.
"Hi." I greeted, reaching out my hand for her to shake, "I'm Zac."
"I know." She gave me a small smile. Ally tried to break our gaze.
"Come on, Raven. We have work to do. If I'm moving out of here by the end of the week, we should be getting going." She said. Now this caught me by suprise, but I didn't say anything.
"Zac, we need to talk later on tonight. Meet me in the living room at eight o'clock. It's really important, okay?" Ally moved forward, kissed my cheek and walked away. Now I was utterly shocked. I mean, wasn't it her that wanted to...pretend like nothing ever happened between us? Why was she playing me like she was? Women.
I often wonder where the hell I got my name from. Cordelia. Maybe my mother was a freak? Maybe she was a hippie of some sort or something. I don't know, and I'll never know, considering the fact that from prostuting my mother got AIDS and died before I hit the small age of two. After that, I was put into a foster home and went through a tiny amount of abuse for about three months before I was taken from this home and put into a social worker's home until I got adopted.
Luckily, at age three, I was adopted by an adoring family. My father, Jack is, I suppose, a fair father. He's tall and lean, with a dark brown mustache and fading gray-brown hair. The top of his head is bare, it has been since he and my mother got married. He's a nice person, easy to get along with, and fun to be around most of the time, but he is also incredibely strict. He doesn't look as if he'd be strict in the least, for he looks as if he'd be outgoing and laid-back, but he isn't. He's very serious when it comes to his children.
My mother, Maria, is half-mexican, half-white. She's mixed, and she's beautiful. Dark flowing brown hair that stops midway down her back. Dark, dark brown eyes that look almost black...eyes that are sincere, caring, and almost always cheerful. She's the type of mother who participated in every bake sale, every girl scout meeting, every play, every school function that went on. She is also easy to get along with. Not strict at all, she wants to let us live ours lives as we want to, she wants us to have fun and really live, because she didn't get to do that. She was sexually and mentally abused as a child and would never, ever, let anyone do that to us for she knows what it feels like. I suppose that could be why she's such a wonderful mother, because she knows how easily kids and teenagers can get hurt by words and touch. She's the one who decided to leave my name be as Cordelia, but makes sure everyone calls me Delia instead of Cordelia, because I really and truly hate that name. It's not even like my name...just the name printed unfortunately on my birth certificate and on school and doctors records.
My sister, Justine, age sixteen. She's lovely , and I know this because she's got the same, long, straight, flowing hair as my mother and the same big, beautiful blue eyes as my father. She's tall, about 5'4, and weighs a little over one hundred thirty pounds. Not exactly skinny, not exactly fat. A perfect weight. I have to say, I'm extremely jealous of her. She's the one who's got the guys chasing her from all four corners of Tulsa. I've never had that, never even had many guy friends. Except Taylor.
My brother, Seth, age twenty-one. He's overprotective, good-looking, and is a college football player. I sometimes wonder why Maria and Jack decided to adopt me. It's not as if anything was wrong with Seth, it's not as if they couldn't have kids. Maybe they just felt bad for me and over time came to love me. And there is no doubt in my mind that they love me. I know for a fact that they do, they tell me everyday. I may be only twenty, but I feel so much older than my age because of all the THINKING I do. And I don't actually like to think.
Now, if you look at me and then my family, you can certainly tell that I was not a part of their family at the beginning. I have layered blond hair, green eyes, I'm short, and I'm big-boned. I know I'm pretty, but I'm definitely not as pretty as Justine or Maria.
I don't know why Taylor is still my friend. He's my only friend. All my other friends somehow dropped me along their way to college. Now I'm stuck back here going to Tulsa University and I'm still living at home.
Taylor is gorgeous. Blond hair. Blue eyes. 6'0. 142 pounds. He's famous, the keyboardist and lead singer of Hanson. But I think he's lonely, too, maybe as lonely as I am. We don't talk as much as we used to, but when we do talk, I tell him everything, and when we do talk, we talk for hours...and hours...and hours. When we were younger, we would stay at eachother's houses, sleep in the treehouses, stay up late and watch Scream or Halloween or Freddie Krueger. They were our favorites. We'd go trick or treating together, play tricks on his siblings and Justine, and stay up until 3 AM having pillow fights and eating junk food. We had a blast. I never had many girl friends because I hung out with Taylor. I suppose jealousy really got to them. But I still don't understand what is so special about him to the people who didn't know him inside and out. I mean, his tears are salty, his blood is red, his eyes are pure, his tongue is rough, his legs are hairy, his arms are strong, his hugs are comforting...he's just like a regular guy. Now, what happened between the two of us, I don't really know.
But I do know one thing. I miss those late night chats. The scary movies. The practical jokes. The sleepovers. The pillow fights and the junkfood. Most of all, though, I miss Taylor.
I mean, it's not the type of 'oh, I miss him, yeah' it's the type of missing that hurts you, eats at you deep into your soul until you feel as if you're just being slowly gnawed away. It's the type of missing where you eat, sleep, and dream that person. It's the type of missing that practically kills you and you break down when you think of that person. Missing. The feeling is dreadful.
+
I hate fall. Usually, anyways. But today, it seems different. The aray of color on the trees is enough to take your breath away with just a swish of wind. Color is powerful. Not many people think about that, but it is.
Black people were slaves. All black people were, before the civil war. It didn't matter if the slave was as smart as their owner, they were slaves because they had black skin. It's incredible how much skin color can make a person's perspective change. I mean, my father would never, ever late me marry a black person. He thinks it's a sin. I, on the other hand, am not one to judge by skin color, because we are all created equal, no matter what anyone says.
If I could change one thing about society today, it would be how every person gets treated. They say we're created equal, so why aren't we treated equal? It's something my crazy mind ponders often. How come rich people get treated better than poor people? How come celebrities get treated better than a regular person? How come some white people get treated better than black people and vice versa? It's a question remaining unanswered, and probably will be until the end of time. Sometimes life is so confusing that it almost drives me insane. UGH!
Why do I always look to the down side of things? I need to...get out of here. Now. This house is killing me.