Ally
"Zac. Good, you're here." He turned away from the window when he heard my loud voice and nodded.
"Yeah." He sat down on the couch, sighing and resting his hands on his head. I couldn't pull away my gaze...his arms caught my eye and wouldn't budge. His arms are so...wow. I guess I didn't notice it before, but they sure as hell are. Muscular, tan...I guess like the rest of his body.
"Well?" He gave me a sly grin and a nod of his head before standing up. "If you wanted to see me so you could admire my hot bod you should've just said so. I can show it to you in a different perspective if you'd like." The teasing look on his face made me blush.
"Zac!" I scolded, straightening my body and hoisting my shoulders back to show him I was definitely not in a playful mood. "I came here to talk to you about us. Something serious. If you're willing to be serious about us-me and you-then, let's talk."
His face tightened and he sat back down on the couch, resuming his same position as before.
"Well?" He questioned after I didn't say anything. I sat down next to him.
"I'm sorry." I shrugged slowly.
"Sorry about what?"
"Sorry about everything. I mean, I guess I never realized-"I began, when a loud radio broke my words apart.
"She was the one to hold me
The night the sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now
Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl
Yeah I'm crazy for this girl
Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
And right now
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you
Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl
Yeah I'm crazy for this girl."
I shook my head when the music faded. "You know, I have to finish packing. I'll see you later." I quickened my pace and ran up the stairs to my room. Raven was sitting on my bed.
"So? Did you tell him how much you love him and how you're totally dieing inside without him?" She asked, a sly grin crossing her tanned face.
Embarassed that I'd backed out on him, I shyly shook my head and pushed my eyes to the ground. "No."
"Well, if you're not going to, I am." She gently shoved me aside and made her way out of the room before I could protest.
"Zac?" I jumped when I heard a female voice come from the doorway. Turning my head slowly, I raised my eyes to Raven.
"Yeah?"
"You know Ally's madly in love with you?" She asked. I don't know if this was a suprise or if I knew it all along.
"I don't know." I admitted.
"She does. Why do you think she wanted to talk to you so bad? I mean, come on. Well, I think you should talk to her. I have to get outta here anyways, I just thought you might wanna know the truth behind her lying butt." She smiled and waved before leaving my doorway.
+
I hate it when people try to sneak up behind you. It's impossible for anyone to get away with it...for me, anyways. I can always feel when there is a presence behind me. It's strange.
"Taylor." When I turned, my brother was standing there with his arms crossed.
"Yeah." He nodded. "Um, is Ally around? She called me, said she wanted to go out tonight."He said slowly, glancing around the room.
Okay, this truly shocked me. I don't know how he does it but Taylor has this sort of...control over girls. It's like if he wants them to call him, they do. It's like he gets into their minds and makes them forget how he betrayed them or hurt them. Like he did with Ally. Because I know that a smart girl like Ally wouldn't go out with Taylor again if she remembered the incident unless...unless she just wanted a guy to be with. And he was the most in-reach she could get besides myself at the minute.
"Uh, yeah, she's upstairs." I gathered myself and shivered.
"Ya okay?" Taylor shot me a concerned look, the most caring look he'd given me in a long time.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, man, I'm fine." I smirked and walked away from him. I didn't break down until I heard his footsteps go pounding quickly up the stairs...a slam as he shut Ally's door and walked towards her, ready to allure her into his arms. I didn't even want to know what he was going to do after that.
Taylor is cute. No, cute isn't the right word for him...gorgeous is more like it. He looks much better in person than on TV or in those teeny magazines. I don't know why I called him, maybe because I wanted some company besides Kat and I didn't want to talk to Zac, maybe because I wanted someone to talk to, or maybe just because I wanted to see Taylor. I don't know why, since I hardly know the guy, but something about him is so...how would Zac put it?...he's so alluring.
"So, are you going with me and Zac and Kat to Tulsa next week? It's Jessie's seventeenth birthday so we're all going down there for the party." Taylor put down the paperweight he'd been throwing back and forth in his hands and looked up at me with his crystal blue eyes.
"I wasn't invited."
"Well, I'm inviting you. So what do you say?"
"Maybe. I'll have to think about it."
"I'll be right back, okay? I'm going to grab something to drink."
He walked to the door, taking off his jacket before he left, revealing a white wifebeater. I had to admit it looked very...um, what could you say about a guy who wears leather pants and a wifebeater? Yummy.
Taylor returned a few minutes later carrying a few beers. He set them down on the dresser and reached over to turn on the radio. A smile crossed his face as he recognized the song and began singing along. He motioned for me to join in.
"You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Yeah, you can't touch this
I told you, you can't touch this
Too hype, can't touch this
Yo, we outta here, can't touch this..."
"Ya, you can't touch this!" We screamed together and collapsed on the bed in laughter.
"I haven't laughed so hard in my life..." I held onto my stomach as I choked out the words. My laughter would not die down and Taylor sat there smiling at me.
"Stop looking at me like that!" I managed to get out as I fell against my pillow laughing.
"Sorry." He looked away. He took a sip of his beer and handed me one. Reluctantly, I took it from his hand, not bothering to think of any consequences.
+
I had to cover my mouth to keep the liquid from slipping out of my mouth as Taylor finished another story about himself and Zac from when they were kids. I can't recall a time when I've had so much fun talking to somebody...Taylor wasn't at all like I expected him to be, he was nice, sweet, and hilarious. He may give off a bad first impression, but, deep down, he's a great person with a kind heart.
We were both silent for a minute before Taylor leaned towards me, pressing his lips against mine, entrapping my mouth in his. Before I knew it, he had me on the bed, underneath him. I knew what was happening, and I didn't try to stop it. I wanted it. I wanted him. Bad.
+
I woke up the next morning with the sunlight pouring on my bare back. I was lying in Taylor's arms and the memories of last night came rushing back to me. I wondered if Zac knew what Taylor and I had done. If he did, he probably thought I was a real slut. Wasn't I the one who was talking about the difference between making love and sex? Well, what I did with Taylor was just sex. It couldn't have been making love, I'd only just gotten to know him the night before. I was careful not to wake Taylor as I slipped out of his embrace. I picked up my clothes and put them on, watching Taylor sleep. He looked like an angel, the sun giving his face a slight tint of a glow, the soft fall of his chest...he just looked so...angelic.
"Ally?" Taylor's voice forced me to turn around before walking downstairs. I smiled softly.
"Yeah, Tay?"
"Please don't tell Zac. He likes you a lot. If he asks, just say we came up here and talked and kissed a little. Okay?" I nodded and walked downstairs, although I knew Zac wouldn't believe that we had just talked and kissed a little. Zac was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. He looked up at me when he felt my presence in the room. A hurt look crossed his face and his jaw clenched.
"Morning." I shot him a smile. He shook his head as Taylor walked into the room.
"Morning Zac." He seemed so calm. I wonder how he managed to lie to his brother so easily. Wait. He hadn't exactly lied yet, because Zac hadn't asked us about it. I could never lie to my sister...or even Kat for that matter…without being incredibly nervous or having a sense of getting caught hanging over my head. Suddenly, my blood started to bubble as I realized something. I felt terrible about sleeping with Taylor. I don't know. I mean…he's a nice person. I like him. But seeing Zac upset like that…that was what forced me to regret it. Because no matter what I do, no matter what I tell anyone, I love him, and nothing can change that. When I looked up again, Zac was no longer in the room.
"Taylor?" I shyly glanced up at him. He raised his eyebrows and reached across the table to touch my hand.
"Yeah?"
"If you knew Zac loved me so much…why'd you sleep with me?" I couldn't help but ask the question. It just sort of popped out. Taylor looked away, obviously embarrassed.
"I don't know." He admitted. I had a feeling it was going to be a very long summer. It'd only been a little over a month and I'd already slept with Zac's brother. Already hurt him. That was the thought running through my head. Over and over again. Already hurt him. Already hurt him. Already hurt him.
"I guess we both know that what we did last night was a mistake. We were drunk. We hurt someone we both care about." I said, slyly looking up at Taylor.
"We both care about?" He questioned. I knew what was going through Taylor's head.
Oh, I see, so she slept with me to, for some reason, get back at my brother. So she used ME. Why me?
"Yes, we both care about. I do love Zac, despite what I may have told you or anyone else for that matter. I'm really sorry that I hurt him."
"He doesn't even know we did anything,though, Al, let along sleep together." Taylor . I shook my head. But I knew Zac did. He could just sense those sorts of things.
"No. But he probably thinks we did. And we did. I think if he asks you, you should tell him the truth." I placed my hand over Tay's, gave him a reassuring smile, and walked away.
I was in no way prepared for what Taylor was going to tell me. I watched him bitterly as he sat down on the porch steps next to me.
"Zac. I have something to tell you." Taylor's voice was hoarse and it was just barely a whisper. I turned to him.
"Go ahead, tell me. What, did she give you a blowjob?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders.
"No. I slept with her." His voice was full of regret. My jaw clenched and I looked at him. He knew how much I felt for Ally. Everyone knew how much I felt for Ally. He's my brother, of course he knows. I poured my guts out to him a few times about her, just telling him how much I love her, how much I care for her, how much I-I'm dying to be with her. No, this was NOT something he was going to be easily forgiven for.
"You slept with her?" I took a deep breath as the words poured out of me. "I can't believe you'd do this to me, Taylor! I'm in love with this girl! I care about her! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT HER! YOU'RE MY FUCKING BROTHER, GODAMMIT! YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS I'VE SAT BACK AND WATCHED YOU HAVE YOUR FUN,I'VE JUST STOOD BY WHILE YOU TOOK ALL MY FUN AWAY JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE YOURS, TOOK ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS FROM ME BY ALLURING THEM WITH YOUR FUCKING FAKE CHARM! WELL I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU KILL ALLY'S HEART LIKE YOU HAVE EVERY OTHER GIRL!" I shouted, and before I knew it, my hand came in contact with his jaw. I gulped as tears fell freely down my face. "Fuck you, Taylor." I ran to my car. Before I could start it, though, Ally climbed in next to me.
"I'm sorry, Zac. I'm so sorry. I-I love you, I don't know why I slept with him, it meant nothing, Zac, please, don't walk away, don't give up on our relationship, Zac, please..." Her words were choked by the tears that were falling freely down her cheeks.
"Get out." I ordered. She didn't budge. "Get out, Ally, we'll talk later. I can't deal with you right now." I watched as she lifted her small frame from the seat and opened the door, slamming it shut behind her.
I wanted so badly to just tell her how I was feeling. Tell her how badly I wanted to be with her. Tell her how deep my love for her was.Honestly, I just wanted to kiss her tears away, to hold her and tell her everything would be alright.
Instead, I was a coward and drove away, drove down to the beach and walked to my spot, the rock hidden behind a tree where I could find peace.
So I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from my Jansport backpack and began writing the first few words that came to my head.
Ally-
Do you want to know something? Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desire. I want to be irresistibly desired by you, I want you to want me, to need me, to love me. Because being wanted and needed are the most amazing feelings in the world. Somehow, though, you've managed to keep those from me, you've managed to not want me, to not need me. Or that's how I feel. I don't know, maybe I'm lying to myself, maybe you really do want me and need me.
I pulled the pen away from the paper and rolled my eyes at my corny words. I ripped the paper away from the spiral binding and ripped it in half, then twice more and threw the pieces away from me. They scattered all over the sand but I didn't care. I pushed the pen to the paper again and began writing once more.
I been all around the world
Seen all kinds of diamonds and pearls
Seen a sunset sure to make you cry
Seen the colors of the rainbow
And the many phases of the moon
But none of it compares to you
Baby I really got to tell you...
I gotta be with you tonight
I'll prove my love to you all night
The thought of it's consuming me
Let's not waste any time
Baby if you give me a simple chance
I'll show you a sweet romance
Play the music
Turn the lights down low
Baby just don't let go
Don't let go
Don't think twice
Just follow my lead
Ill make you feel ecstatically
Just hold on, hold on baby and don't let go...
I need to tell you...
I gotta be with you tonight
I'll prove my love to you all night
The thought of it's consuming me
Let's not waste any time
Baby if you give me a simple chance
I'll show you a sweet romance
Play the music
Turn the lights down low
Baby just don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go
Don't let go, baby, don't let go
Don't let go...
Those words just came naturally, the song just fit together so well I was shocked. It was the easiest song I'd ever written, it was as if somebody else had possessed my mind and had written it for me, because I wasn't even thinking when I wrote it, it was just being pushed into my mind, the ink flooding over the paper, the words being produced with my hand but another's mind.
I'd never written a song like that before, never written a song about making love to someone. I don't know why but it struck me as odd. I knew the song would never actually be recorded let alone released, because it's not something anybody, critics, fans, press, would expect from Hanson. And that's okay.
I don't know why, but that bugs me. People expecting things out of another person. Sort of how I half expected Taylor to seduce Ally like that. But maybe he didn't seduce her, maybe they both wanted it. I don't like the think of it that way, because that means Ally wanted him as bad as he wanted her. And I know he wanted her bad, I could tell by the way he looked at her.
But think about it. Don't you hate it when somebody expects something out of you? Like when you get a C in Math on your report card and your mom or dad says, 'well, we expected that out of you, you know'. It drives me nuts, even if I expect things out of people too. I think it's just natural for people to 'expect'. I think it's human nature. Wow, the human species is confusing.
I felt so terrible about Zac, felt bad about hurting him, felt bad about everything. Unfortunately, just as I started to cry for the millionth time in the past three hours since Zac had left, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Ally, it's Taylor." I looked around to make sure Kat wasn't in sight.
"Hi, Taylor." I said quietly, cradling the phone in my hand.
"Ally, I need to see you." He whispered. My eyes widened.
"I-I…okay…where?"
"Meet me at my house." He replied.
"Your house?" I asked. I could hear him groan.
"Yeah...wait, no. Meet me at the park on Angel Drive, okay?" He slammed the phone down before I could respond. I sighed and reached for a Kleenex. I felt like blaming Taylor, but I couldn't. It's not like he forced himself on me or anything, I was fully into it. It seemed right at the minute. Well, I made a wrong choice. Everyone does. It's nice to know I'm normal.
+
When I finally arrived at the park, I looked around for Taylor and spotted him standing a few twenty feet away. He was talking to a tall brunette, touching her arm flirtatiously. Jealousy shot through me like a bolt of lightening and I took a deep breath.
"Taylor," I tried to make my voice firm, but it weakened as soon as he looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes.
"Uh, Kim, I'll talk to you later." He gave the brunette a smile and shoved his hands in his pockets. He grabbed my arm and held onto it, then lead his fingers down to mine so our fingers were entwined in eachothers.
"Why did you want me out here so bad?" I didn't bother pulling my hand away from his. He gulped and bit down on his lip, looking out ahead of him.
"Can we go somewhere quieter?" He pulled me towards a deserted barn. He took out a bobby pin and picked at the old, rusted lock. He opened the door and waved a hand in front of his face. "Ugh. It's dusty in here. But anyways, sit." He pointed to a bail of hay and sat down. I sat next to him, reluctant at first and anticipating what he was going to say.
"I brought you out here to tell you that I regret hurting Zac. But I don't regret doing that with you at all, Ally. I have to know if you feel the same way. I'm confused, Ally, I am so confused! I've met you only a few times before this, but it seems as if I've known you forever. I just want to know if there is something between us or not. I-I've never felt this way before, never, never, never..." Those words just came tumbling out of his mouth. I could tell from the look on his face as he realized what he'd said.
Finally, I shook my head.
"I don't know, Taylor."
I didn't know why I said that. I knew the answer was no.
"No, there's nothing, Taylor," I shook my head, stood up,and ran off. I'm getting good at that.
Okay, there is something I have to tell you. I've never been turned down by a girl before. Never once in my whole dating period of my life have I been turned down by a girl. I didn't understand. I wondered what was wrong with me and why she made me feel the way she did. It sounds stupid, trust me, I know. It wasn't love I felt for her. Just a strong liking. But I have another thing to admit. I didn't want to lose the relationship I had with my brother. He's my best friend and I don't know what I would have done if I had lost the relationship I had with him. He tells me everything and I tell him everything in return. We trust eachother. Or we did. He no longer trusts me after I slept with Ally, and I didn't blame him one single bit. I don't know how he feels, he's never betrayed me like I betrayed him, and I know, even if I betrayed him so terribly, he'd never sleep with someone I was dating, let alone someone I was in love with.
Well, the situation is kind of confusing. I mean, he and Ally aren't exactly dating. They love eachother, but they aren't dating. Sticky.
I've always been secretly jealous of Zac. He doesn't seem to realized how many girls would die to be with him and doesn't have a conceited sense in his mind at all. I get praised for my looks. He gets praised for the talents he has on the drums. I'd much rather be praised for the talents I have for singing or on the keyboards then how good I look. I don't care about that. Okay, so I just lied. Big deal. I'm getting to be an superb liar.
But I wasn't lying when I told Ally that I regretted hurting Zac. And it wasn't so much Ally betraying Zac's trust, it was me, because I knew how he felt...I knew how much he loves her. She didn't. She was confused about the whole situation, actually, and I just encouraged her to be confused and to forget about Zac. And I felt terrible for it. My conscious was definitely eating at me. Feeling guilty and knowing you've lost your best friend is the worst combination. I would've understood if Zac never wanted to talk to me again. I just hope that's not the case.
"Kat, where would Zac go if he were really, really upset?" I flinched at my words and gulped as I looked up into Kat's startled eyes.
"The beach. A rock hidden behind a humongous palm tree. Try it. You'll be sure to find him there." She responded, her confidence extremely high.
"Okay. Thanks." She threw me her car keys and I walked out to the car, climbing in and driving away.
Thoughts of Zac occupied my mind so much that I couldn't even really pay attention to driving. Driving just came naturally to me. I couldn't hear the radio, all I could hear was Zac's hurt words..."get out, Ally, we'll talk later."
The question invading my head was 'why?'. Why did I sleep with Taylor? My...I don't know what to call Zac anymore, I love him and I know he loves me but we're not dating,so I don't know what he is to me...his brother. Why'd I sleep with his brother? I should just leave. Leave and never come back, leave the pain behind.
I was so afraid of losing Zac. More afraid of losing him than I'd ever been afraid of losing anything before. It's like when you're eight and you lose your favorite barbie doll. You don't know exactly where you last had it, you just know you lost it and would do anything to get it back.
I arrived at the beach and the scene was breathtaking. It looked as if it came directly out of a movie, the wind just strong enough to make the palm tress wave slowly back and forth, the waves crashing at people's feet to make them laugh, make them smile, couples holding hands and walking down the shore, or sitting in the sand tanning and laughing, families talking and laughing.
I poked my head behind the huge palm tree that Kat had described and found Zac sitting on a huge rock, his knees pulled up against his chest, tears falling down his cheeks.
"Zac?" I whispered, sitting down next to him. He didn't look at me, he kept looking straight ahead.
"Ally, I don't know why you keep doin' this to me. It kills me. It really does. Why do you have to do it? Why do you have to hurt me so bad? I don't know if you do it purposely, but it hurts. No, it kills. Al, I don't know what I did to deserve this, but you got me on my knees."
His words stunned me. I don't know why, they weren't spectacular or anything. They just shocked me. I really, really hurt him. And he really, really loved me.
"I-I love you, Ally, I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I've never loved anyone like this, but I love you so much that when I think of you and my brother...together...it makes me sick in the stomach, it's a stab in the back, it's...it hurts. Really. Really. Bad."
"I know, Zac, I know, really, I do. That's why I don't want to commit to you...I don't want to hurt you any worse than I already have. I wanted to come out here to apologize to you, and tell you that, no doubt, I did not mean to hurt you. Somewhere, deep in the very depths of my mind, I knew I was going to hurt you, but I didn't see that when I decided it was okay to sleep with Taylor. I don't quite think you understand how deeply I regret hurting you. But I do. I just hope somehow, somewhere in your heart, you can forgive me." I stood up slowly. "I'll let you be alone." With that I walked back to Kat's car and sat there for a few minutes before actually beginning to drive.
+
I think my conscious was eating at me more than anything else. I wanted to be with Zac. I did. But I was afraid to hurt him any more than I already had. Because I liked Taylor, I really did, and I didn't know what would happen between us but I knew he liked me too.
I think I like him because I can get into very deep conversations with him. He's so easy to talk to, he's so...deep. You'd never be able to tell at first sight, never be able to tell after talking to him for only ten minutes...you have to really get to know him to have a deep conversation with him. I think he trusted me enough to get into a deep conversation right away. Since Zac trusted me, why couldn't he? Oh, I hate this situation. Why can't Taylor just stay away, why can't I just be with Zac and why can't we just live happily ever after? WHY?
+
"I'm leaving." I looked into Zac's room quickly. We hadn't spoken in over a week, just pushed past eachother in the hallways, ignored eachother at dinner, stayed away from being with Kat together.
"Leaving for where?" He asked.
"I'm going to stay with...er, some friends." I lied. Actually, Taylor had offered me a place to stay for the rest of the Summer, and I found no harm in taking up his offer just so long as Zac didn't find out.
I couldn't deal with the pain. Everytime I saw Zac, I longed to hold him, touch him, kiss him. I wondered what happened to our relationship. Just a month before we'd been happy, talking, laughing, kissing...God, I even lost my virginity to him. Why did I keep pushing him away?
"Well, bye." He managed to not make eye contact with me and I left the room, silently cursing myself for being such a stupid, stupid person.