Some things really get on my nerves. Like when people tap their fingers on tables when trying to concentrate, and it really only breaks other people's wonderful concentration they've got going, so it all ends up a mess. Do you know how that is? Or when people rock in a squeaky chair when you're trying to watch your favorite television show. So you're sitting there, trying to concentrate on Law & Order or Dharma and Greg (whichever you prefer), and this person is sitting here rocking in a squeaky chair. It annoys you so much that you grab a hold of the arm of the couch you're sitting on and just squeeze the plush part so hard that you feel as if it's going to fall apart. Finally, they stop, and your face color turns back to normal.
Life. It's a good thing, most of the time. Of course there is the occasional bad day or annoying person. Annoying people are so...pathetic. I mean, it's as if they have nothing better to do than annoy you. What the hell kinda life is that? I mean, there's a time when everyone is annoying. Everyone's annoying at one point in their life. But those people that go around just annoying people for the heck of it really bug me...almost as much as tapping fingers and squeaky rocking chairs. Those are just my pet peeves, I suppose. They probably don't annoy everyone, but they sure as hell do me.
I'm twenty-two years old and I don't have more than three or four friends. I don't have a girlfriend. So this leads me to think of things such as the above, the things that I'm confusing you, you poor soul, with. I don't know why I'm lonely. Maybe because most of my friends I had at seventeen or eighteen are away at college, married with kids, or are drug addicts. Drug addicts. Another sad thing. But I sometimes do drugs. It takes me away...it takes me, um, higher, I guess. Can you just hear the sarcasm in my voice?
They just make me feel like I can get away from all my troubles I've got around here. My loneliness. My jealousy of Zac. Psycho fans.
And now I know you're wondering, you? Jealous of Zac? WHY? Right? Well, let's start off with the basics. The guy is nineteen years old. He's madly in love with one girl. One beautiful, great-in-bed girl. I know I shouldn't say that or even be able to say that, but I can and I do. He's got girls chasing him from all over. Not that I don't, but they are all teenybopperish little girls...not someone I want to get into a relationship with. You know? No, how can you know, you're not in my spot.
Ah! Another pet peeve of mine. When a person pretends to know something, but really don't. Like I just said, "Ya know?" and you probably said, "Yeah, Taylor, I know exactly what you mean, man!" Well, don't. That is unless you're my brothers, a boy band member, or just some really popular guy who's got hundreds of girls all over. If you're a girl, just please don't answer that question.
Well, I guess sometimes people just bug me period. I have my days where I just can't stand being around anyone and have to force myself to stay locked up in my house, sleeping or watching TV or playing music, just to avoid my family or few friends I've got. I have to tell you something.
I'm Taylor Hanson. My life sucks.
"Jess, do you need to talk?" I sat down next to my sister, casting her a worried sidelong glance.
"No, I don't need to talk." She huffed, standing up and beginning to pace. "I need to scream."
"Why?"
"Because, Zac, I hate you. I hate you and Taylor and Isaac."
This really suprised me. I guess it wasn't exactly what I was expecting to hear. Maybe a boyfriend trouble? A friend problem? But not that she hated me.
"Why?"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE SELF-CENTERED, STUPID, BASTARDS AND I HATE YOU! YOU ALWAYS TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME! YOU TAKE MY FRIENDS, THE ATTENTION I GET WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND, BUT MOST OF ALL, YOU'VE STOLEN MY LIFE! FROM THE TIME I WAS FUCKING 10 YEARS OLD I TOURED ALL OVER THE WORLD WITH YOU, PLASTERING A SMILE ONTO MY FACE AND PRETENDING TO BE NICE TO THOSE STUPID GIRLS WHO PAY FIFTY BUCKS TO SEE YOU GUYS AND ALL YOU ARE IS A GOD DAMNED DISAPPOINTMENT! YOU TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME! THAT'S WHY I HATE YOU!" She screamed. By this time, Ally and Mackie had wandered into the living room. They were the only one's home besides myself and Jessie.
Jessica broke down and ran from the room. Mackie realized the action was done and moved on, barely taking his eyes off of his Gameboy. Ally sat down next to me, placing her hand on my leg.
"You okay?" She asked after a minute.
"I don't know." I sighed. "She really hates me."
"She doesn't hate you, Zac, she just feels like every time you do something you one her up. It's a phase. She'll get over it. Though it may take longer for her, considering the fact she's got you guys for brothers."
I stiffened as tears began to fill my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of Ally. I don't know why. I just didn't. I thought maybe she'd laugh or something.
She didn't laugh. Instead, she pulled me closer to her and held me. Held me for what seemed like hours and hours.
She didn't let go until Jessica's radio blasted from upstairs.
Somebody must be prayin' for me
Somebody out there must be prayin' for me
Ain't it funny how you always find just what you need
Somebody must be prayin' for me
Yeah, somebody must be praying for me
"Ally, do you want to know something?" I pulled away from her. "I love you."
"Love you too." She whispered slowly.
"Okay. Good. Good. No, that's great."
"Yeah."
"Do you think I should go talk to Jessie?" I asked after a few minutes.
"No." Ally said quietly. So I listened to her. I figured she probably knew better than I did what Jess would want.
+
"Zac?" Mom poked her head into my room cautiously.
"Yeah." I looked up for a split second. She sat down next to me and pulled me towards her into a hug.
I'm ninteen years old but I still love it when my mom hugs me. It makes me feel like a kid again, where my biggest worry is whether I'll get a green popsicle after dinner or not. I like feeling that way.
"How are you? I haven't really gotten to talk to you much since you have gotten back. You've been off visiting friends or you've been with Ally the whole time."
"I'm okay."
"Just okay?"
"Do you like Ally?" I had to know. It was biting at me.
"Yes, I do. Do you like her?"
"I love her."
I think this shocked mom. I don't think she expected me to fall in love until I was like, thirty five or something.
"Really?" She inquired.
"Yeah, really, definitely, I'm in love with her."
"Well, Zac." She finally said. "I'm just...suprised. Your relationships in the past have never been about love."
"Yeah, you see, mom, that's the funny thing, is ours is all about love. It's not about sex. I don't care about it."
"Well, I guess I'm happy for you, Zac. I just...you had better be careful with this girl. She's...different from the others."
"Look, I know, mom! I know her better than you do. I love her because she's different from other girls. She didn't freak out when she saw Zac Hanson answering the door in his boxers. She was a virgin when I met her and she made it very clear she wanted to wait-"
"She WAS a virgin? Is she still, huh, Zac?"
I paused. "No."
"Well, you see then, she's not different from the others, Zac. She's intimdated by you, as all the others were."
"No! She's not. We did it out of love. I don't care if you believe me. I'm sick of this." I stormed out of the room without turning back.
For some reason, I felt a need to go and visit Delia. In a way, I missed her. Which is weird, because on the normal I don't miss anyone.
"Taylor?"
I turned. She was standing behind me, she'd said my name just as I was about to ring the doorbell. Her hair was in a scraggly ponytail. She had on shorts and an old Hard Rock Cafe tank top. There was dirt on her knees and elbows and she was wearing old rubber gloves. In her hands was a planting shovel.
I moved towards her. "I'd hug you but those clothes don't look like they want to get dirty." She pointed to my DKNY khaki's and my Hilfiger wifebeater.
"It's alright." I paused. "So how are you?" I asked her.
"Not the greatest. Well, besides the fact that my obnoxious bitch of a sister is gone. That's pretty good." She paused. "How are you?"
"Just dandy." I responded, letting a playful grin fall across my face. She laughed and wiped away a piece of stray hair that had fallen in her face.
"That's good." She turned on the faucet and began washing her hands while looking out the window.
"How's Zac?" She asked after a second. I'd been waiting for her to ask this. Yes, she was one of the many Zac had fucked back in the day.
"Zac is....er, Zac is fine." I shrugged. She nodded.
She resented him. I could tell by the expression crossing her face as she took in that he wasn't dead or dying with some deadly disease or something.
"Well...Seth is getting one of his books published." She said after a minute.
"Cool. How is he doing?"
Seth was always an okay guy. He was respectful to almost everyone, but sometimes he could be an ass. Like everyone I guess.
"He's doing great."
"That's good."
Silence overcame us. There weren't any words floating around, waiting to be said. It was better in silence, I suppose you could say. When you're with someone you enjoy being with, you don't really need words. That's a good thing, because I couldn't find any words to say.
"Well. Why don't I call you later and we can do something?" I suggested, hopping off the counter I'd taken to.
"Sure. I'll be home." She gave me a quick hug. "Bye, Tay."
"See ya."
"I felt like this day would never come. Book One, on the third shelf. " I muttered, reaching for the book containing my writing. It felt great to know that I, Seth, had written this book on my own. Well, okay, not exactly on the own, but me with a partner.
"Yeah okay." My partner, Chris, mumbled under his breath.
"This is a really cool moment and I'd appreciate it if you didn't ruin it for me." I angrily said. Why couldn't the guy ever be proud of himself?
I turned and that's when I saw her. The most....beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.
"Kat!" A familiar voice shouted for the girl. Zac? Zac Hanson?
"Hey Seth." Zac commented when he spotted me.
"Hey Zac." I decided to be nice, even if he had broken my baby sister's heart. Oh well. Not my problem. Everyone knows my sister gets hurt easily. He just decided to use her for a good fuck. Stupid bastard.
See, I said that was her problem and yet I called this guy a bastard. I don't know. Maybe I'm screwed up in the head.
"What's up with you?" He questioned.
"Umm...not much...how about you?"
"Nothing."
"I see."
"Yeah. I should probably go. Talk to you later." Zac stalked off. He didn't even introduce me to the girl. What a goddammed moron.
I swear I could kill somebody right now. Why not go for it. Kill myself? Hey, it's worth a try. I don't see why I shouldn't. I guess sometimes they-mostly Zac-just really piss me off. Maybe they'd be happier if I died. I don't know. Here's one way to find out.
Zac
"OMIGOD!" A scream came from Jessie's room and I hurriedly made my way there. Ally stood there, covering her mouth as she stared down at my baby sister...who was holding a bottle of Vodka and some tylenol. I bent down next to her. She was awake, barely, and it didn't look like she'd taken any of the tylenol yet...it was still wrapped up in the packaging.
"Jessie! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?" I grabbed her wrist and pulled her up. A hand came across my face.
"Don't pull her." Ally screamed. "She could black out or something."
My hand went up to my face where she'd slapped me. It hurt.
"Jessie?" Ally pulled her down out of my arms gently. "Can you hear me?"
"I think so." Jessie opened her eyes. "I can't feel anything...I'm numb...oh God...am I dead?"
"No, you're not dead, you need to sit up." Ally pushed her up slowly. Jessie rested against the wall.
"I'll be okay if you go away." She mumbled. Ally looked up at me and nodded, grabbing my arm and pulling me out of the room.
"This is my fault, it's all my fault. Everything is always my fault." I mumbled.
Ally sighed and shook her head. "No, it's not your fault, Zac. She's heading into a state of depression, I think you should tell your mom about it."
"Ally, what can my mom do?"
"Maybe have her go see a psychiatrist or something." She suggested, reaching for my hand and looking up at me slowly.
"No way. I'm not putting her through that. I had to go see one of those freaks and they don't help one bit."
She pulled away from me. "Well, I don't know then, Zac. If you want to help her maybe you should talk to her. Tell her you love her and that you don't try to make yourself better than she is. Tell her how you feel about the whole situation. I don't know what else to tell you to do. You need to figure that out on your own." She stood and walked away. I didn't know where she was going and at the minute I didn't care. I couldn't get my mind off Jessie and the help she needed...the help I know I can't give to her.
I really didn't know what to tell Zac to do. I couldn't tell him just what TO do but I could give him some ideas...I knew he wouldn't bother with any of my suggestions, though. He needs to figure things out for himself...kind of like I do.
Jessie needs some help. She's going downhill, big time. I can't imagine what would've happened if I wouldn't have walked in to ask her where the Tylenol was. I don't know what I would've done if I would've walked in there and she would have been...dead. Ugh. It gives me the chills. I don't know what to do to help her, except maybe try to be her friend. If she'll let me.
+
"Hi Ally." Taylor nodded to me when I walked in the kitchen.
"Hi, Tay."
"How are you?"
"Um, I'm fine." I leaned against the counter as Taylor neared me.
"Ally, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"Sorry because I like you so much...more than I should...and you're my brother's girlfriend and I know that you're...off limits. But..." He reached for my hand and I didn't pull away. Somehow he was getting to me, making me feel almost...sorry for him. "I like you more than I've ever liked anyone before. And I know that sounds insane 'cause I'm twenty-two years old and I've never been in love. But I do and I want..." Taylor leaned in and kissed me. He kissed me just as Zac was walking in.
He gulped and ran out of the room before I could stop him. I walked slowly up the stairs and paused before knocking on the door. I took a deep breath, raised my fist and knocked lightly. "Zac, open up."
Zac
I can't believe I just saw that. I can not believe they've done it to me AGAIN. Why?
"Zac, listen-" Ally walked in and I shook my head.
"Go away, Ally, I don't want to talk to you right now." The pain in my heart was so deep, it felt like a knife sinking deeper...and deeper...and deeper...
"Please, Zac."
I stood and brushed past her. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to be angry with her.
I made my way downstairs and leaned against the hallway wall, tears falling furiously down my cheeks. I gulped and walked into the kitchen. Taylor sat at the table, in obvious shock. I wanted to walk over and deck him out, but I couldn't. Not yet.
"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" I screamed when he stood up. I towered over him by only an inch, but I knew if I really, really tried, I'd be able to beat him till he bled.
"SHUT UP, ZAC! I WANTED TO KISS HER SO...SO I DID! FUCK OFF!" Taylor screamed.
"NO, TAYLOR, I WILL NOT JUST FUCK OFF! SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND FOR GODSAKES! SO YOU BETTER NOT JUST EXPECT ME TO FUCK OFF!" I paused. "YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO FUCK OFF!" I screamed.
"I LIKE HER, ZAC! I LIKE HER MORE THAN I'VE EVER LIKED ANYONE BEFORE! DON'T YOU GET IT? I LIKE HER!" This almost made me laugh.
"You LIKE her? Well that's fucking great, Taylor, but you know what? I don't give a flying fuck because I fucking LOVE her! Do you understand that?! LOVE Taylor! That's a little more than your pansy ass LIKE!" I screamed, starting to leave.
"Oh, and Taylor?" I turned and flipped him off before leaving the room completely.
"Ally." I turned when I heard Taylor's voice.
"I'm not really in the mood to talk to you, Taylor." I didn't care if I hurt him or not.
"Look, I just talked to Zac."
"Yeah? You talked or screamed?" I gulped and looked at him.
"Well, uh, both. We..." His voice trailed off, but eventually he worked it up in him to explain to me what had happened. "We were screaming at eachother. I told him I like you and he...kind of blew up..."
"Taylor, do you know when to...FUCK OFF?" I exclaimed. "I think you should go." I pointed to the door and he,obediently, left.
I think, at this point, I was just scared to lose Zac.
I don't know why, but sitting in the treehouse kind of cooled me off a little bit. So when Ally climbed up and sat next to me, I didn't scream at her or anything.
The tears in her eyes made me concerned and she didn't say anything. I knew I shouldn't be so soft but I couldn't help it. She fell into my arms and cried.
She cried and cried and I just held her.
"Zac, I need to explain what happened." She gulped and pulled away from me. "Will you listen to me?"
"I'll listen."
"He kissed me. I didn't kiss him back and I didn't have any time to react when you walked in. I'm so sorry, Zac, will you please forgive me? I-I am so sorry. I don't ever want to lose you." She paused and laughed...like one of those angry laughs, you know? "I'm terrified to lose you, actually. I don't want anything to come between us."
"You'll never lose me. You'll never, ever, ever lose me...and nothing will come between us. I won't let anything...or anybody...no names mentioned...come between us, Al, I promise you." I kissed the top of her head and pulled her tighter against me.
"Are you going to talk to Taylor?" She asked, looking back at me. I immediately tightened up and clenched my jaw.
"No."
Confusion covered her face and she looked up at him. "Why?"
"Because, Ally, he likes you. And not a simple 'Oh, my brother's girlfriend is cool', it's more like, 'damn,my brother's girlfriend is hott and I want her and I'll have her. No, Ally, I'm not talking to him."
I think this frustrated her. "Grow up, Zac! You're being stupid." She rolled her eyes and started down the steps. "Look, you need to talk to him." She turned and walked inside the house.
"Kat, I need to talk to you. Really bad." Ally grabbed my shoulder and I turned around.
"What's up?"
"Taylor and Zac are fighting. Over me. Taylor THINKS he likes me alot, and Zac is getting all pissed off, and I don't know what to do. I think they're both being absurd but I don't want to be with Tay, I want to be with Zac. I need Zac, but Taylor is being a jealous asshole."
I sighed and gave her a sympathetic look. "I'll talk to him." Standing, I stretched.
"Would you?" She gave me a thankful look and watched me leave the room.
+
I'll admit it, I was nervous to talk to Taylor. I haven't talked to him since...well, since I shut him out of my life. Or tried to.
"Tay, can I talk to you?" I took a long, deep breath and sat down next to him at the kitchen table.
"Uh, sure." He gave me an unsure look and I nodded.
"You need to give up on your fantasies of Ally ever loving-or even liking-you back. She loves Zac. She's gonna follow her heart, whether you like it or not. Sorry to say, but this is one girl you aren't gonna get." I paused, wanting my words to be loud and clear. "Do you understand what I'm saying? You're Zac's big brother, Taylor. He's in love for the first time. You should be loving and supportive, not jealous and a creep."
Tay paused, as if taking in my words, finally. I hoped to God they got to him, 'cause if they didn't, I don't know what will.
"You know what?" He stood and slapped his knees. "You're right, Kat. I've been an ass and a creep and I have to support him in everything he does, right? I've been a really shitty brother. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Zac." I stood and walked out of the room, praying that Taylor would take my advice.
I'm such a fucking moron. I'm trying to fight for a girl who, I know, is in love with my brother and my brother is in love with her. I don't even know why I'm fighting when I know neither of them will give up. I'm hurting Zac for a girl...why? I've asked myself this relentlessly but I haven't yet found an answer.
I think I'm going to give up the fight.
Okay, so maybe Ally's right. Maybe I should grow up and just...talk to Tay. But shouldn't he be the one begging ME for forgiveness? After all, he is the one who kissed MY girlfriend who he LIKES but I LOVE. I found it quite amusing to tell Taylor off like I did, but then again...no, wait, I don't feel bad at all. I shouldn't feel bad at all, right? I don't know why I give in to people so easily. I've got to give that up soon.
+
"Zac?" Ally's voice made me jump later that the next night.
"Yeah, baby?" I raised my eyebrows and turned to her.
"I, uh, I'm really sorry about all this."
"But Al, none of this is your fault." I paused. "It's all Tay's." I said bitterly.
"Oh, come on, Zac, don't you miss being his friend?" She sat down on the bed next to me.
"Yeah, his only friend."
"That's why he needs you so bad." She looked up at me and reached for my hand. "It's up to you, though, don't let me influence you."
I stopped to consider what she was saying.
"I just don't get it. Everytime something perfect comes into my life, somebody always manages to come along and screw it up."
She looked at me intently. "Well. I don't want to talk about it anymore if you don't." She sighed and leaned forward, giving me a quick kiss. So quick I couldn't even try to respond.
"Well, I don't."
"Okay." She looked out the window. "Jessie's doing fine. I talked to her. And I made her talk to your mom."
"What did mom say?"
"I don't know. I left the room. I'm not like you. I'm not nosy." She laughed and I pulled her closer to me.
"I love you." It seemed like forever since she'd said those words to me.
"I love you too." It's amazing how three words can make you feel.
"Will you please talk to Tay? For me?" She pleaded.
"I-I don't know..." I shook my head. "I can't, Ally, I really can't.
"Why not? Zac, if you can give me one good reason, I'll let it slide, but until then, you're not getting out of it. I'll drag you kicking and screaming, with the help of some other people of course cause I truly don't think I could manage that on my own, but I will drag you out to the kitchen, where Taylor has spent the past two days, to talk to him." She sighed. "Come on, Zac, or we'll make you two sit next to eachother on the plane ride back on Saturday. So you have two days to decide." She stood and walked out of the room.
I don't think she realized how badly I really DID want to talk to Tay, but it just wasn't that easy. I mean, I didn't want to look like an absolute fool and walk in there and say something like, "You stupid ass, why were you hitting on my woman?" Because, really, I'm just not like that. And I can't just go and say, "You fool, why do you like her?" Because I know why he likes her.
He likes her for the same reasons I'm in love with her. Because she's fun to be with, beautiful, intelligent, funny. So I can't blame him for liking her. But doing what he did is crossing the line. He crossed the line TWICE. And that, I hate to say, is too far over.
Taylor
Okay, sure, I felt bad.
Alright, I give up! I felt like a low-life loser and a shitty brother. I really wanted to apologize but I couldn't give up my pride so easily. I'm just not like that.
So today is Friday, and we're going home tomorrow. I figure if I can manage to sit in the window seat and get Isaac to sit next to me, I'll be able to be alright without talking to Zac. If they'll let us slide with that.
+
"Zac, I'm sick of this. We need to talk-" I started. I couldn't stand it any longer. We'd been just sliding on past eachother for three days and I missed having him around.
"Talk? ABOUT WHAT, TAY? THE WAY YOU KISSED MY GIRLFRIEND? BECAUSE YOU LIKE HER? Hmm, Tay, no thanks, I don't want to talk." Zac turned his back to me.
"Look, Zac, I'm sorry, I am...I've been a shitty brother to you. I'm sorry. I should've been supportive." I sat down on the couch next to him and reached for the remote to turn the TV off.
"I was watching that."
"Well I don't care. We need to talk and I feel that me and you repairing our relationship is more important than watching Scooby Doo." I let a smirk fall across my face as Zac blushed.
"Talk. I'm listening. But get with it and get down to the point."
"I feel like an ass."
"You are one." Zac gulped. "You're not getting to the point. Mind explaining to me just WHY you kissed her?"
I cracked right there. I couldn't keep the tough guy act going on while inside I was feeling low and miserable.
"Zac, I'm so lonely. I kissed her because I need somebody, Zac. I need someone to hold, to kiss, to say 'I love you' to every night, like you do. I don't know why I decided Ally would be the one I tried to get, maybe because of the very fact that she IS off limits. I don't know but I'm sorry.I'm so jealous of you, man. You've got that special person that you think you'll spend the rest of your life with. And, worst of all, I feel I've failed as a big brother. I should've been there, supporting you, the whole time, while instead I was off trying to hit on your girlfriend. I'm so sorry." I looked at the ground.
I felt relieved in some way, because I got all that off my back. Now I just had to wait for him to forgive me.
He took a deep breath. "You haven't failed as being a big brother. I understand where you're coming from. It's just..." He licked his lips and a frustrated look crossed his face. "I don't understand why you had to choose Ally when you could have any girl you wanted. I mean, I do get it, but the fact that she is off limits and the fact that you know how much I love her and want to be with her...okay, I don't get it. But I'm sick of fighting and if you can promise me that nothing like this will ever, ever happen again, I can forgive you, because right about now, I feel horrible and I need you around."
"I promise, Zac, I give you my word."
"Alright, then. I forgive you." He stood and walked away at that.
Ally
"Al?" Zac knocked on the door to the room we were sharing and walked in. "Tay and I talked."
"Really? That's great." I let a smile fall across my face.
"Yeah." He sighed. "I'm glad, too, because I feel like I got this rock lifted off my shoulders." He smiled and sat down next to me.
"Are ya ready to go home tomorrow?" I asked him, tucking a wisp of hair behind his ear.
"Kind of. I'm gonna miss everyone, but...yeah, I'm ready."
"Good." I paused. "Oh, and if you don't mind, I'll be moving back in with you and Kat. If that's okay."
"Okay? No, that's great." He leaned in and pulled me closer. Slowly, he brought his lips down to my ear.
"I love you."
"Love you too."
"Promise?"
"Promise." He leaned down and kissed me softly. "This has been a long week. Let's get packing."