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LINDA'S JOKE PAGE




Hello....you made it to my JOKES PAGE!!!! Time for a little laugh? I sure hope so because laughter is the BEST medicine. One thing, you can't be sad and depressed when you are laughing your head off. I used jokes when I was facing the death of my father. Laugher is VERY good for your heart. Medical reports say so. Some of the jokes you probably heard before, some are down-right stupid and corny! But when I get a guest-book up and ready, please send me some of your jokes and I will put them on this page (or another page) and we will all laugh together!!!!!


HERE ARE SOME ONE-LINERS; SOME FUNNY SOME JUST PLAIN CORNY!!!!!
(some of these I use when I go to various chat rooms....maybe you heard them before?)


1 How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

2 How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

3 What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

4 What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

5 What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

6 What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.

7 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

8 What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9 What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10 What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

11 What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

12 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

13 What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
14 What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

15 Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

16 Where do you get virgin wool?
Ugly sheep.

17 Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

18 Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

19 What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

20 What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.

21 What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

22 What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

23 What do you call the women walking on either side of a prostitute?
Support hose.

25 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

26 Why did the elephant wear tennies?

Because elevenies were too big

27 Why did God invent women?

Because sheep can't cook.

28 What's the difference between a porcupine
and a porsche owner?

With a porcupine the prick is on the outside

29 What do you get when you mix holy water and
caster oil?
A religious movement

30 What happened to the Pope when he went
to Mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him




ANTICIPATION
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....

And then he stuffed the turkey. (some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)

Now I have here some name changers. Very Funny
#1 Use the third letter of your first name
to determine your NEW first name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

#2 Use the second letter of your last name to
determine the first half of your NEW last name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

#3 Use the fourth letter of your last name to
determine the second half of your NEW last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = buscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Go figure. To be fair, we should publish Al Gore's new name, too: Lumpy Burgertush. My name Linda Cozad becomes Zippy Burgerhead! lol! One of my friends, when I did her name was: Stinky Diapersniffer!!!! LOL!!!!!! See what your name will become.

WHAT IS YOUR STAR WARS NAME?
It seems George Lucas uses a formula to create all those names you see in
the Star Wars trilogy and Phantom Menace (JarJarBinks, ObiWan, etc.).
Well... here's the formula! To see what your Star Wars name is,
follow the steps below...

Your Star Wars First Name:
1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name.
2: Add to that, the first 2 letters of your first name.

Your Star Wars Last Name:
1: Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name.
2: Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town or city you were born in.

When I did the formula to my name it came out :
Cozli Brstl!! What do you think? I would like to see
other people's names changed. Some
will probably be funny, and some might make
no sense at all.




Subject: Minnesota Guide to Computer Terminology
LOG ON: makin da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your bare foot
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from liftin too much vood
RAM: dat pointy ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork so good
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: com on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below
SCREEN: vhat is a must during mosquito season CHIP: vhat ya munch during da Vikings game MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen ya'v et all da big chips
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Sven Matrix's vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can findem
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little black rice things in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da big fishin boats dock
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent fer dat new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it...



1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and
gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just
vending machines.

10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago,
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries.
Today, a five-year-old can do it.

12. A blonde told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was
blinker fluid.

13. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

14. I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write
me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new
flagpole on a condemned building.



The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking po
wder 1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl,
measuring cup, etc. Check the
whiskey again as it must be just right.
To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and
drink it as fast as you can.


Repeat.
With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver. Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit. Chample the whitchey shum more. Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well. Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle. Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out

What My Mother Taught Me...

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"


THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB
____________________________


There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes
in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean
off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he
gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when
all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."


So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes
himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns,
without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big idiot and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool,
knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
"When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from KMart."

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something

or my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc asks, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been
living with a garden hose the past 2 years!"


The Bear in the Bar
A bear went into a bar in Boise and told the bartender "I want a beer"
The bartender said, "Sorry, but we don't serve bears beer in Boise."
But the bear insisted that he wanted a beer because he was quite
thirsty and a cold beer would quench his thirst.
So he persisted and asked again for an ice-cold beer.
"Sorry" said the bartender, "but we don't serve bears beer in Boise."
"But if I don't get a beer right now I am going to tear
this bar down!" the bear exclaimed. "And",
the bear added, "see that woman sitting at
the end of the bar? I am going to eat her
up if I don't get a beer!"
"Sorry, but we don't serve bears beer in Boise!"
said the bartender, sticking to his guns.
Well that did it. the bear was then furious and proceded to destroy the bar. After he
accomplished that, he then went to the
woman who was sitting at the end of the bar and ate her up.
"Now will you serve me a beer?" asked the bear
"Sorry", the bartender said, "we don't serve bears
beer in Boise, especially drug addicts!" "What! I don't take drugs!" said the bear
"Oh yes you do! Wasn't that a bar- bitch -you- ate?"

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink"
The bartender replys, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is
called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer looks dumbfounded so the
bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey
bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile,"TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'
and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on
his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and
says, "So, what do you call your
penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims,
"FORD, because Quality is Job #1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer
has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret.
Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer
a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG
ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

"The Troubled Human Race
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
   On Sears hairdryer:    Do not use while sleeping.(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:   You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.  (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:   Directions: Use like regular soap.   (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:Serving suggestion: Defrost.   (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box) (Too late! You lose!) (I love it: food to piss you off.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:>Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:>Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:Warning: may cause drowsiness.(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:>Warning keep out of children.>(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.(As opposed to use in outer space.) (Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor:Not to be used for the other use.(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.(DDDUUUHHH)
On a childs superman costume:Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!>

HOW TO WIN A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO WIN A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food.

Here are some of my friends that I know or just came by for a visit, that submitted their jokes so others can laugh

my Friends Jokes !!!




So below just sign the guest book where you can subit your jokes so others will laugh with us. Doesn't matter if the jokes are clean or risque, either. Just sign your name and put your joke in the box where it says "Your Joke". Please put your name so I can give you credit for the joke, ok? I hope that my Pogo friends will submit their jokes too....LOL!!!!



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