Authors' note: This idea occurred to us while waiting for the fireworks show to begin. We blame it on too little sleep, too much boredom and waaaaaay too much sugar. Oh and if you didn't see it in the title, this story is NC-17 which means all you young perverts have to leave now!
"Oh shit!" Darcy exclaimed.
Elizabeth raised her head up from the pillow. "Now what?"
"The condom just broke!"
"So fix it!"
"Fix it? Are you crazy or something? It's latex for God's sake, how does one fix latex?"
"Well isn't there some super glue around here?" Elizabeth asked impatiently.
Darcy stared at her incredulously. "Super glue's toxic! Besides once I put on the condom, I'd never get it off!"
"Well it's a permanent fix so what's the problem?"
"It's unsanitary you bimbo! I'd like to be able to pee you know. Or maybe one day have children."
"Don't call me a bimbo and for God's sake why would you want children? They're messy and smell and you can't ever leave them. They're worse than dogs!"
Darcy threw up his hands. "I can't believe we're having this conversation! I just wanna have sex!"
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Is that all you men think about? Don't you have any other condoms?"
"No, this was my last one. I meant to pick some up at the grocery store but Grandma insisted on coming with me to pick up a few things. I was not about to buy condoms in front of my grandmother!"
"Well there has to be something we can use..." Elizabeth pondered. Her eyes light up. "I know! Saran Wrap! We have a whole roll of it in the kitchen!"
Darcy's jaw dropped open. "You have got to be kidding me."
"Why not? Lydia swears by it."
"Lydia also has five kids," Darcy said flatly.
"Yes but Lydia's a slut anyway so what's the chances of me getting pregnant?"
"What the hell kind of reasoning is that?"
"Aw shut up and go get it! While you're out there, bring back the chocolate sauce and whipped cream too!"
Darcy glared at her before stalking off to the kitchen, muttering and grumbling. Elizabeth admired the view until she heard a scream from next door. She began laughing when she remembered that she had forgotten to draw the curtains in the kitchen. Her neighbor, old Mrs. Crotchet, was definitely not enjoying the view.
Darcy ran back into the room, blushing from head to toe. "The old bag next door was staring at my schlong!" he nearly screamed. Darcy scowled when Elizabeth began roaring with laugher. "I didn't think it so funny--it was almost a mood-killer."
Elizabeth managed to control her mirth and leered at Darcy. "Well come here and let me fix it for ya...stud," she waggled her eyebrows. "Got the Saran Wrap?"
"Right here," Darcy growled and dived for the bed.
One month later...
"Um... Fitz..."
"...Yes?"
"Uh... Remember that night with Saran Wrap?"
"I'd like to forget it."
"Well I don't think you ever will..."
"Why not?"
"Eh... I'm pregnant."
"Oh shit."
And the moral of this story? Remember duct tape is the universal fix-all, NOT Saran Wrap.
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