Authors' note: Warning, this story contains some mature language and subjects not fit for younger readers. If you are easily offended by such topics, please do not read. Of course this warning may intrique you into reading, but don't blame us...we did warn you!
Case #433
“Oooooooooooooooh!” squealed Charlotte Lucas, “There he is!”
Elizabeth Bennet looked around excitedly. “Where? Where?!”
“Right there!” Charlotte exclaimed, pointing at a short, stocky man, whose salt and pepper hair was pulled back into a short pony tail.
Giving her friend an odd look, Elizabeth replied, “He doesn’t look like much.”
“Honey, looks aren’t everything! That man is a scream dream. No man has ever been able to make me climax like that before!” Charlotte gave a small shiver.
Elizabeth arched an eyebrow, “If you say so.”
“Oh, come on, let me introduce you. You won’t regret it I promise,” Charlotte said, dragging her friend over to the man. “Dr. Collins, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Elizabeth Bennet…”
“I don’t believe she went out with him!” William Darcy growled in disgust. “I’ve seen him around town, and he’s nothing. What could she possibly see in him?”
“I don’t know man. It’s not just Elizabeth though. It’s all women. They fall all over him and I just don’t get it!” Lewis Fitzwilliam slammed his beer bottle down on the table angrily.
Oswald Brandon looked across the bar table and asked, “Why did you two break up anyway, William? Things seemed like they were going so great.”
“I don’t know,” Darcy said glumly into his beer. “She was always complaining that I could never…oh, you know, please her.”
“Ouch.” Lewis muttered.
“You’re telling me! It hasn’t even been two weeks since we broke up and she’s running around with that gigolo with a Ph.D. That’s not even the worst of it though…she told me that he knew what a woman wanted.”
The three men were silent for a few minutes after this last announcement.
“Hey,” Lewis said, looking thoughtful. “I have the perfect idea!”
“What’s that?”
“I think you should go see this guy.”
“WHAT?” Darcy all but screamed at his cousin. “Are you out of your bloody mind? Why would I do that?”
“Well, think about it. Obviously if this man can, uh, please Elizabeth then he’s the perfect one to go to for advice.” Lewis explained.
“Oh yeah right. What should I do, just walk up to him and say, ‘Hey, since you’re boinking my ex-girlfriend, do you think you could tell me how to get her off?”
“You never know man. If you want her back, it’s worth a try. Besides, you’ll be able to tell us what’s so special about this guy’s technique.”
“Forget it, I’m not going! No way. Never!”
“William Darcy, you’re next. Come on into my office,” Dr. Collins said genially.
William followed him into the office and looked curiously around the room. Diplomas and certificates covered one wall; the rest was given over to bookshelves and plants. It wasn’t quite what William had expected of a sex therapist. He had pictured all sorts of sexual toys to be strewn about the room. Where he had expected whips and chains to be displayed instead hung a picture of the Niagara Falls. Instead of a four poster bed with red satin sheets, there was a mahogany desk and a comfortable old couch.
“Please, have a seat,” Dr. Collins said, gesturing to the couch. William sat at one end while the doctor took a seat at the other side. “Now, what can I help you with?” the doctor asked.
“Well, uh, my girlfriend Beth, she, uh, broke up with me, cause, uh, well, you know.” William fidgeted nervously.
“Actually, I don’t. Could you clarify what you mean?”
William turned bright red. “Well, she uh, shesaidIdidn’tknowhowtogiverheranorgasm,” he blurted out in a rush.
“Oh.” Dr. Collins responded. “And I take it this didn’t go well with you.”
Instead of answering, William simply stared at the doctor with a stupid expression on his face.
The doctor sighed, “William, if you want me to help you, you’ll have to be more forthcoming.”
“We broke up over it, so I guess you could say I didn’t take it that well.”
“But you’ve had second thoughts about it since then, or you wouldn’t be here to see me. Am I right?”
“Yeah.” William shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “I think she was right. I was probably being a bit selfish and could have thought more about what she wanted.”
“So, if you know this, why come to me?”
“Because I don’t know how to give her what she wants. I’ve never really done that with any woman. She was the first to say anything about it.”
Dr. Collins looked at him in astonishment, “Well, my dear boy, it’s really quite simple. All you have to do is…”
“Oooh William…ooh yes, WILLIAM. OH MY GOD!” Elizabeth shrieked. “DON’T STOP! DON’T STOP! OH MY GOD!”
With a final grunt, William collapsed on top of Elizabeth’s sweat soaked body, panting heavily. Elizabeth moaned in pleasure. “It’s never been like that before! You were absolutely wonderful…three times in one night!” She kissed him and said, “I love you, dear.”
William rolled off of her and flung his arm across his eyes, a grin on his face. “I love you, too, Beth.”
And Dr. Collins advice was worth it, just for that.
Case #437
Author's note: Since y'all have decided to complain about Darcy and Collins, we decided to give you a new case study. Hopefully this is a little...less disturbing! *stupid grins*
“What’s the matter, Lewis?” Darcy shouted over the music blaring from the pub’s jukebox. “Why do you look so glum?”
Lewis Fitzwilliam sighed, “You remember Patricia?”
“Yeah.”
“You remember Anne?”
“Yeah.”
“Well that’s the problem!”
Darcy looked over at his friend, Oswald Brandon, who just shrugged. “I have no idea what he’s talking about either,” Oswald said.
“I’m talking about the fact that I can’t choose between them!” Lewis grumbled. “Between them I have the perfect woman! I’m in love with them both but… I CAN’T PICK!”
“Do they know about each other?” Darcy asked incredulously.
“Yes. They’re best friends as a matter of fact.”
Oswald buried his face in his hands. “Oh my god, Lewis… And you still have your balls intact?” He looked up again. “Just out of curiosity, how did they find out about each other?”
“Well Patricia’s the one who introduced me to Anne.” Lewis shrugged. “I guess it just came out.”
Darcy raised his eyebrows. “And how did they react to this?”
“You know it was the strangest thing… they laughed! And then went right on dating me.”
“Lucky bastard,” Oswald growled. “So if they’re not making you choose, then what’s the problem?”
“I feel guilty… It just seems wrong! I mean I should be able to commit to one of them as much as they would to me, right? I was raised to believe that you’re born, you grow up, you find the one woman you love, marry her, have children, and that’s it! Two women do not figure into this situation!”
“Unless you have a mistress,” Oswald mumbled.
Lewis glared at his friend, “You shut up! You’re not helping any.”
“Well, as much as I hate to admit it,” Darcy broke in, “Dr. Collins gave me some very good advice. Maybe he could help you!”
“I don’t know…”
“Oh come on give it a try! It couldn’t hurt!”
Lewis unfolded his tall, gangly body from the small and uncomfortable chair in the reception area. At 6’7”, he towered over Dr. Collins like a giraffe over hyena. He grasped the doctor’s pre-offered hand in his own and shook it vigorously.
“My you’re a tall one,” the doctor commented.
Lewis grinned, “I bet you say that to all the boys.”
Dr. Collins laughed, “Funny too.”
“I do stand-up comedy for a living,” Lewis replied as he followed the doctor to his office.
“I bet that’s interesting!” Dr. Collins said and then pointed to the sofa. “Please, have a seat.” He waited until Lewis was comfortable before continuing, “Now what brings you here?”
“Well, it’s not really a sex problem, more of a relationship problem.”
“Ooooooh… Tell me all about it.”
Lewis explained to the doctor about his relationship with Patricia and Anne. He also talked about his guilt and indecision.
After he was finished, Dr. Collins looked thoughtful. “So you’re saying the ladies don’t seem to have a problem with the situation, am I right?”
“Yeah.”
“But you do?”
“Yeah.”
“If it’s at all possible, I would like to meet with Patricia and Anne and yourself of course. If you could persuade them to come, I think I might be able to help.”
One week later…
Once again Lewis sat in Dr. Collins’s office but this time he was seated between the two loves of his life. Patricia and Anne sat there, grinning like idiots while Dr. Collins looked them over curiously. Lewis certainly has good taste, he mused. Both ladies were tall, though not as tall as Lewis, and tastefully dressed. They could have been mistaken for sisters except for the slight difference in facial features and skin tone. “Well now that we’re all here,” Dr. Collins began, “let’s see if we can resolve this situation…”
Anne and Patricia grinned back at him from across the table. “Very sensible idea, in my opinion,” Anne replied.
“Oh of course!” Patricia agreed. “There could be no other choice, at least in my mind. Anne and I were only waiting for you to come to your senses.”
“I’m glad I finally did,” Lewis said as he signaled for the waiter to bring the check. “Now then,” he said as he turned back to the ladies, “there is only one other decision to make!”
“What’s that?” Anne asked.
“Whose apartment are we going back to tonight?”
“Oooooooooooh… Actually that makes for two decisions,” Patricia replied. “Where we go and who gets you first!”
Anne looked at Patricia, “I’ll flip you for it!”
“Agreed,” Patricia said. “And I think we can kill two birds with one stone. The winner gets Lewis first and we go back to the loser’s apartment.” She pulled out a coin from her purse. “Call it!” she cried as she tossed it into the air.
“Heads!” Anne screamed. The coin landed on the table and both ladies looked down at it eagerly. It was head side up. “I won! I won!” Anne cheered.
“Awwww man! I know, best two out of three!”
“No! You lost fair and square! I get him first!”
“Oh so what am I supposed to do? You’ll probably take all night!”
“Noooooo… We instituted the three hour rule, remember?”
“Oh yeah…” Patricia shrugged. “I guess I can watch TV then.”
Lewis had been following his girlfriends’ conversation in silence before speaking up. “Hey, don’t I get a say in this?”
“No!” both ladies answered. And Lewis was satisfied… in more ways than one…
Authors' note: This story contains some language not suitable for young readers, so if you're not of age, please don't read! If you decided to read anyway...remember, we warned you!
Case #441
"Hey, is that Oswald and Edward?" Lewis Fitzwilliam asked his cousin, William Darcy.
Darcy peered through the haze of smoke that polluted the bar. "Where?"
Lewis took his arm from around Anne Lansky's shoulder and pointed toward the restrooms. "Right there!"
"I don't see them!" Darcy replied irritably.
From underneath Lewis's other arm, Patricia Wells rolled her eyes and asked, "Instead of arguing pointlessly, why don't you get up and check?"
Lewis settled his arm back around Anne and leered at his two girlfriends. "Because I'm comfortable right where I am!"
"Down boy!" Anne murmured.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow!" Lewis growled.
"Will you cut the foreplay?" Darcy burst out. "Get a room, sheesh!"
Lewis was about to make some witty retort when Oswald Brandon and Edward Ferrars approached the table. "Oswald! Edward! Glad you guys found us. Grab a seat!" Lewis exclaimed, gesturing to the large, rounded booth. "Have you met Anne and Patricia yet, Edward?"
"No, I haven't had them…I mean the pleasure. Nice to beat…meet you both," Edward said with nod as he sat down.
Anne and Patricia leaned forward to exchange glances and then looked curiously up at Lewis.
"He does that all the time," Lewis whispered to the women. "He hasn't been with a woman in some time."
"Ooooooooh…" the ladies said softly and then settled back in their seats.
An uncomfortable silence followed the introduction. Edward shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. "Sooooooo… Have you ladies blown Lewis… I mean known Lewis long?"
Anne stifled a laugh and replied, "Quite long, actually."
"Is it really?" Edward asked incredulously and then blushed scarlet at his slip.
Patricia snorted and nearly choked on her drink. "Uh, I have to go to the bathroom, don't you Anne?"
"Uh, yeah I do," Anne replied. "Let's go."
The ladies squeezed around the men and left the booth. Lewis watched them walk away with a stupid grin on his face.
"Boy you're a fucky… I mean lucky man!" Edward sighed.
"I am at that," Lewis agreed heartily.
"How's your love life?" Darcy asked his friend.
"Same ol', same ol'" Edward replied. "No woman, no sex, no blow jobs, no whip cream, no coffee to dunk my donut, no place to bury my hatchet, the trouser snake is lonely…"
"We get it! We get it!" the other two men cried out in disgust.
"You do, but I'm don't! There's no need to rub it raw… I mean rub it in!"
Lewis shook his head. "You need some serious help, dude."
"You're spanking me… I mean telling me," Edward said glumly. "What should I screw… I mean do?"
Darcy and Lewis looked at each other. "Well," Darcy drawled. "We have one suggestion…"
"Give it to me, please!" Edward begged.
His companions looked apprehensive and backed away.
"I didn't mean it that way!" Edward exclaimed. "Now tell me this wonderful suggestion!"
"Well…"
Dr. Collins looked the other man up and down. I bet I know what his problem is. "Come on in Edward and have a seat!"
Edward nodded and walked nervously over to the couch. "Spank you, Dr. Collins… I mean thank you." Edward sat. "Boy," he said, looking around the room, "this isn't what I quite expected. Where are all the whips and chains and the women in leather thongs?"
Dr. Collins smiled in amusement. "That's not exactly what I do."
"Oh," Edward said disappointedly. "Then who do you do… I mean what do you do?"
"That depends on the problem," Dr. Collins replied. "If you tell me yours, I'll see what I can do."
"Problem? I'll tell you what my problem is! I haven't been with a woman or anything resembling one in over three years! I tried masturbation at first but that gets old fast! Then I ordered a blow-up doll but I popped it! I would have tried prostitutes but first of all I won't sink that low and second of all I can't afford it even if I wanted to! I lost my job because all I can think about sex, sex, sex! My boss fired me because I asked if I could suck her breasts! Every sentence out of my mouth is sexually related!" Edward ranted. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I believe I have a solution," Dr. Collins said as he leaned back in his chair. "There's someone I'd like you to meet. Several of my patients are throwing a Christmas party next week and I'd like you to be my guest."
"Okay…"
"Edward, I'd like you to meet Elinor Dashwood."
Elinor smiled and stuck out her hand. "Nice to beat you… I mean meet you!"
In that moment, Edward's whole world brightened. He knew that from now on, everything would be all right.
It was lust at first sight.
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