Chapter One - written by Shemmelle
I'm sorry its not longer! And I only did some of the characters (mainly the good ones turned bad) because i thought other people would have more fun working out the other characters. Also i appologise for the strangeness of the whole thing, but i'm been studying too much crime fiction and it needed an outlet! Anyway if you hate it tell me and i'll fix it... Also i'd rate this as maybe above PG-13 i don't know so beware. Also i appologise effusively for my horrid attempt at a very lame er 'posse' member. I mean no harm. And please imagine the hand movements. And i appoligise for the Title.~ Shemmelle
It was a dark and stormy night, outside of Dabingferbratilknigmarberworth Chair making factory. It was a Scandinavian firm don’t you know. The factory worked 24/7 which meant odd shift times and odd characters.
Several of these odd characters were standing outside the flickering light of the Dabingferbratilknigmarberworth sign. They were smoking. Smoking is bad. It causes lung cancer. They were bad. They did not care.
“So there was this girl – you know – “ winked William Darcy at Chaz Bingley. “I took her for a spin.”
Chaz nodded. “Well your car is rather nice Will.”
“No I TOOK her for a spin. “ said Will, drawing on his illegal cigarette.
“Yes I understood you. You took her for a ride.”
“Exactly!” said Will leering into the night.
Chaz looked bewildered.
“Oh for god’s sake.” Muttered Chris Brandon whispering something into Chaz’s ear.
The light dawned. “Cha-ching” said Chaz enthusiastically.
Chris and Will rolled their eyes. Chaz was in the club, but not quite a fully enrolled member – don’t you know.
Chris took a swig from a disguised bottle. “So….” Prompting his friend to reveal the lascivious nature of his recent date.
“So?” said Will. “Oh …well of course I abandoned her on a hilly road at the dead of midnight, in the rain. It was quite sweet really.”
A noise emanated from out of the shadows. The men looked up, but unwarily. They were bad, they weren’t afraid of anything.
“Darlink.” Came a husky voice. Out of the shadows slinked Elizabeth Bennet. Her heavy eye makeup accentuated her fine eyes, from one hand hung a cigarette holder. She brought it up seductively to her lips.
“Light me darlink.”
“Any day.” Chorused the men.
Eliza laughed. She accepted the light from Will, and looked around.
“Are you not supposed to be workink?”
“We got Father Wickham, Sister Mary Lydia and Collins to cover for us.”
“How simply wicked of you.” Trilled Eliza. “Bub-bye, boys.” She called as she sashayed off into the factory.
Three sets of eyes watched her go. “What a woman.” Sighed Chris Brandon.
“What a set of – “ said Chaz, before being cut off by Will’s glare.
‘She’s my woman Chaz. You have your own.”
“Yes you do.” Came a feminine voice. Jane Bennet bopped into view, resplendent in her bunny outfit.
“Oh Jane.” Said Bingley cursing. “You know I don’t like you stripping when I’m not there.”
“Well buster.” Said Jane toughly, “Someone has to earn the money to keep your illegal stash of firearms and drugs. Besides’ I get tipped awfully well.”
“Why didn’t you get changed?” said Will in a seductive voice. “Did you know I think you look ravishing in a bunny tail.”?
“No I promised Knightley a lap dance.” Said Jane sweetly. “He is such a hottie, and well Emma is trying to get with Churchill. She is trying to pull an Amber. * But well Churchill is no Deacon!”
Chaz had gone a grey colour. “Woman – “
Jane turned to look at Chaz, allowing William a sneak preview of her cleavage it was stuffed with $100 bills.
“Aren’t I a hottie?”
“Of course, haven’t I got your name tattooed on my butt? Doesn’t that show devotion Chaz?”
Chaz nodded much appeased.
Jane pulled a bill out of her cleavage and waved it at Chris. “For the you know…”
Chris accepted it, and watched as Jane bounced out of sight.
“Are they real?” said Chris.
“Are what real?” asked Chaz.
Chris made a motion about his chest region.
“Oh!” said Chaz, and then grinned. “Of course. Though I can’t say the same about Emma, have you seen! They are fake.”
“Boys.” Came a sweet voice.
Sister Mary Lydia swept into view, her habit severely restricting her movement.
“You should be working, it is hardly fair to be paid for something you aren’t doing now is it?”
The men grunted, but walked past Sister Mary Lydia into the factory.
The factory was churning away, the legs were being shaped, the seats rounded, and the backs arched, and the varnish bubbled.
“Hey my posse. What’s up with my boyz? You seen my Bitch?”
They were accosted by Ferrars; his large medallions glinted in the flickering in the fluorescent light.
“No Ferrars, I have not seen your bitch.” Said Chris with a sigh. Sometimes the club got a little too crowded if you get my drift.
“Wu Tang” said Ferrars, doing some strange things with his hands.
“Er?”
“Ethnic.”
Chris ignored Ferrars and went to his locker. To make sure his stash wasn't being tampered with.
Chaz went in search of Jane, hell bent on preventing Knightly taking advantage of his woman. Will went to find Eliza.
Ferrars was left alone. A strange noise occurred from behind the leg shaping facility.
“Come out of their, or I’ll cut your ass.” Said Ferrars menacingly. “Me and ma posse will come and get your blood. Wu Tang. “
Ferrars menaced the darkness with his flick blade, which wouldn’t flick.
“Oh calm down, it’s only me.” Said George Knightly unfolding himself out of the darkness.
Knightley was dressed in all black leather, and his long black hair made him look menacingly. The ‘born to ride, hell for leather’ inscribed into the leather of the jacket made women swoon. He was the best leg shaper in the buisness and boy did he know it.
“Where’s ya mole. In the house!” said Ferrrars dramatically doing rapper hand movements.
“I haven’t seen Emma in a few days. She is probably out at a Cotillion with Nancy Franky.”
“You should take better care of ya mole, Wu Tang. Down with tha hood. Ethnic.”
Knightley rolled his eyes and went in search of his bunny girl – Jane Bennet was sugar and spice and all things niiiiiiiiiiiiice. Pity Chaz was so efficient with his AK-47, and even Fluffy Jane wasn’t worth being shot to pieces by the best gunrunner around. But even so, perhaps Fluffy Jane would like to ride on the back of his Harley, the wind in her hair….
Ferrar’s was left alone again, in the darkness. But darkness was his friend, the ghetto was always dark. Ferrars conveniently forgot that he hadn’t been raised in a ghetto, and that he wasn’t a black rapper.
“Wu Tang.” He whispered into the darkness.
“Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?” Ferrar’s spun around as Big Fred Wentworth walked into the pool of light. “You want a horse’s head in your bed?”
He was flipping a gold coin in his hand, and was flanked by Bleeding Bentwick and Happy Harville – you didn’t ask why he was happy.
“No, brother, I waz being down with tha boyz. In the house brother, ma man.”
Wentworth flicked a lazy hand as if to dismiss Ferrars. “I am not interested in your brothers. I want my money Ferrars. I hid it in a case, and had it put in this factory. I want it back. Go fetch it.”
Ferrars scampered away under Wentworth’s orders.
“Darlink.” Came a seductive voice out of the darkness.
“Ah Eliza.” Said Wentworth with one cool eye turned in her direction.
“I know I shouldn’t bother you when you are workink, darlink, but I was thinkink that perhaps we could go swimink. You should be buildink a grand pool for your little Eliza.”
“Why would I build a pool for a two timing rat like your self.” Said Wentworth roughly.
“Oh you mean William? Oh darlink, he means nothink to me. Just a little fun. Don’t you want your little Eliza to have some fun? After all you have never sworn your little wife Anne doesn’t mean a thing to you.”
Wentworth curtly nodded. “Perhaps. I shall fly you to the Bahama’s.”
“Oh Darlink. I have nothink to wear, but what are you doink here. I thought you wished to keep our lovink each other a secret.”
“I have come for my money.” Said Wentworth. “Now run along.”
Eliza did as she was told, a small smile crossing her face. Wouldn’t Wentworth be surprised, William was twice the man he was, perhaps not in wealth, but certainly in proficiency.
Eliza walked into the managerial office and found herself interrupting an argument between Sister Mary Lydia, Ms Caroline Bingley, her sister Jane, Chaz and Knightley.
“It was most improper Jane. I cannot believe it of you.” Said Caro.
Jane had a self-satisfied smile on her face.
“I will have to report this to Mr Collins. Possibly even higher up the command. I mean it’s absolutely sordid behaviour and I will not have it.”
“Oh silly me. I thought I’d locked the door.” Jane coquettishly smiled at Knightley while Chaz fumed.
“How long has this been going on.” He demanded of his woman.
“Oh Chaz I’m so sorry, but for some time, I mean one man is just not enough, not that you aren’t great honey.”
Chaz turned a purple shade, and glared at Knightley. “I’ll see you in hell.” He snapped at Knightly before leaving the room.
“Jannnnnnnnne.” Said Knightley. “How could you do that? You know I’m no match for Chaz and his men! I mean – “ Knightley quickly covered up his unmanly fear. Unmanly fear had no home in a Hell’s Angel.
“Oh Knightley.” Laughed Jane. “You have no idea what he is like when he is mad. Oh boy.” With that Jane pulled down her cleavage to an all time low and went in search of her boyfriend.
Eliza looked at Knightley with distaste, and even greater distaste at the prostrate Sister Mary Lydia on the floor.
“Oh sister Mary, I will get you some smelling salts” cried the matronly Caro Bingley.
“No No I shall not put you to the trouble” Said Sister Mary Lydia climbing up from the floor. But she was not destined to remain upright for much longer.
“Help! Wu Tang! In the House, Ma brothers, ethnic!” cried Ferrars running into office.
“ I will not have such language in the firm!” cried Caro.
“But – wu tang ma brothers – It’s Emma! I found her.”
“I told you dancing the Cotillion with Nancy Franky.” Said Knightley contemptuously.
“No! Dead! In a vat of varnish – WU TANG!” cried Ferrars.
For the second time in as many minutes, Sister Mary Lydia fainted.
To be continued.
* Amber a character from ‘the bold and the beautiful’ who is ‘trashy’ who has stuck herself with the rich and powerful Forresters…Ahem no I’m not addicted!
Back to the Original Fiction Archive