Disclaimer: Renpics own them. Not I. DAMN IT!
Subtext: Of course! What kind of fool do you think I am?
A Classic Little Tale
by Johanna Hedberg
Xena awoke with a jerk. This particular jerk had the world’s biggest smile on his face, and after a quick peek under the covers, Xena found him to be completely nude.
”Oh, no! What am I doing in this bed with a man with strawberryblonde hair, soft features and green eyes?” Well, at least she remembered they were green from last night. She couldn’t have been that drunk. She looked around for her leathers and found them in a heap against the floor boards. They had done the wild mambo, alright!
She eased out of bed and used her strong toes to lift the leathers. Her trusty battledress stunk. Mead, dirt and horse. Well, well. Better go down and get some chow!, she thought and pulled her boots on. While doing so, the oh-so-strangely-familiar stranger stirred from his sleep and looked at her with a small, satisfied grin. That he’d been too drunk to perform didn’t even enter his mind. Man, she was beautiful! He sighed happily.
Xena cursed under her breath and pulled on her breast plate. The young man rose from the bed and stepped into his brown kilt. She nodded towards him and sheathed her sword on the back.
“Hey, how about some breakfast, eh? Wanna split a tab?”
The young man had found his green shirt and was brushing his long tresses.
“Breakfast sounds lovely, Xena. I’d like that.”
The warrior princess smiled and pointed her thumb in the general direction.
“We should get going, then. Nice shirt, by the way.”
She strode through the door. The young man followed her through the hole with a frown.
“It is nice, isn’t it? But it just keeps shrinking. I don’t know what to do! Maybe it’s the material...”
Downstairs the innkeeper was minding his business, in a quite literal way. He was wiping the bar and throwing some worried looks in a certain direction. The young girl who traveled with the former warrior princess had been hanging over the counter the entire morning. She had ordered a goat milk and then she sat. Angry. The goat milk was untouched and she seemed to be waiting for something, since her fingers tapped the wooden surface with impatience. The longer she waited, the angrier she got. He just prayed she wouldn’t start throwing things around her. She had been eyeing that chair over to the left for a good while, hadn’t she?...
His gloomy thoughts were shattered when an even stomping came from the stairs. The warrior was awake and thus the innkeeper felt an immense relief. He greeted the warrior and went on with his chores.
A maid showed up, pushing her jumpy bosom against Xena’s back. “In how many ways may I serve you, o destroyer of maidens?”
Xena was taken aback. “Ehr... Could I have some bread, cheese and...?” She looked at the young man, who simply smiled.
”Goat milk will do just fine.”
Xena nodded. “Yeah, you heard him. Bring it on!”
The maid giggled and made her way into the kitchen.
Xena spotted Gabrielle sitting in the bar and felt butterflies tickling her stomach. The look the bard shot her in return viciously killed every single one of those winged little suckers. Strange, Gabrielle behaved as if she was pissed at something. Xena decided that a smile always was a good idea and reminded herself silently not to ask if the bard had gotten her period. It was better to just behave as if it was any ordinary day.
She walked up to the bard with her boy-toy in tow and lay a hand on Gabrielle’s shoulder.
”Good morning. Early riser today, huh? How’s the goat milk in this joint?”
Gabrielle shook her hand off and backed away.
Xena blinked with surprise. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
”Don’t you dare pretending nothing’s the matter!” The bard snarled and held back those tears she’d been saving for a dramatic effect.
Xena stared at her. Gabrielle stared back.
”What?”
”What what? You know what I mean! Xena, I’m sick and tired of your ‘oh-I’m-unsure-of-my-love-for-my-companion-so-I’d-better-find-a-male-clone-of-her-routine’!!!” She spat.
Xena just looked at her with no understanding whatsoever. “I do not!”
”Do too!”
”Do not.”
”Do too!”
”Do not!!!”
”Do too, do too, do too; -infinity!” Gabrielle poked out her tongue and turned her back on the warrior princess. “Every time we cross a village, you find a guy that looks like me and gives him a roll in the hay. I’m fed up with it, Xena! You’re so in denial.”
”Gabrielle, I have no idea of what you’re talking about. Gabriel, sit.”
The young man obeyed.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes and walked towards the door.
Xena went after her. “What did I do now? Hey! Don’t you walk out on me! So what if I find innocence being a huge turn-on?”
”I bet he’s a bard too!” Gabrielle cried as she made her way up the stairs.
The young man’s face lit up and he raised a bag over his head.
“I am! Do you want to read some of my scro-“
”Gabriel, stay!” Xena cut him off. “Gabrielle!!! You can’t leave me! I couldn’t bear it!”
”Yeah, right! That’s why you keep dropping me off every chance you get!”
Xena stopped in her tracks. “I don’t do that! I’m just trying to protect you!”
Xena’s stop had enabled Gabrielle to run up and lock herself in her room. Xena smiled.
"Come on, Gabrielle! I can pick the lock, you know." She grinned and produced a pin from the Xena-leathers TM. "I have many skills."
"I've blocked the door with a closet" Gabrielle sobbed, lying face down, arms wrapped around her pillow.
Outside, Xena's jaw dropped. "Zeus' teeth, Hera's tits and Ares' whiskers! How did she manage that, the small thing?"
"This is a first time, PWP, 1st season stereotypical fic, Xena! It's not supposed to make any sense!" Came the muffled response through the door, as the bard sniffled and buried her head further into the pillow.
Xena knocked on the door helplessly. "Can you at least open up, so I can pour my heart out to you and have some NC17-rated sex?"
"No way."
"Dammit! Open up!"
"Go away!"
And so Xena did. Muttering curses all the way back to the bar, where she ordered a Sex-on-the-battlehorse and decided it was no use, anyway. She walked out of the inn to fetch Argo. It was time to leave Gabrielle somewhere safe, where the bard could be happy.
She's only unhappy because of me, Xena thought. Warlords, gods, henbane, me. None of these things are good for her and they'll only keep coming if she stays with me. I'd better do the noble, suffering leaving scene. Damn. I can't keep my thoughts off her...
When Gabrielle learned that Xena had left the building before the fat lady had sung, she was devastated. Of course she had to go after the warrior and tag along. That was the way it always was done, right? Now, where could Xena have gone?
She had already checked the bar and there was no trace of even a single studded leather stripe. Darn! While the bard tried to figure out what to do, she cut her hair short and dressed in the s6 red little disco suit, just because the author wished it so. And because it certainly was so damn sexy. And then she was off, staff, sais and all.
She didn't have to walk that far. Outside a cave she found Argo parked by a tree. With a huge sigh of relief she entered the large opening. (No, we're not doing the sex scene yet. Patience.) The cave was soaking with wetness that dripped into large pools on the ground. Gabrielle almost slipped and hurt herself. That's moisture for ya'll.
Well. The walls were close and the bard started to feel a bit too small. All this rock above her... She wondered if Xena was ok. The warrior did have a fear of small spaces, ants, hamsters and dorks in pink nighties, after all.
"Xena?" She asked out loud.
No answer.
"Xena?"
She could hear sounds now. Far away. She walked on till she saw her love sitting by a small fire made of nothing in nowhere in the middle of the damp, wet cave. Gabrielle wondered where that 'love' part came from, but shoved the word to hell for the moment.
She kneeled by the warrior's side. "Xena?"
And lo and behold! The bard was attacked by a mushy warrior who sobbed hysterically.
Hey, this is kinda nice..., she thought and blurted;
"I've found you at last! It's been months, gods, I was so worried!"
"Months?" The warrior sniffed. "Worried?"
"Yeah. With the snow storm and all..." Gabrielle crossed her fingers behind the warrior's back.
"Snow storm?" Xena repeated. Then her eyes widened. "Oh, holy Zeus! Argo is still out there!"
Ok, how could she explain this? Uhm... "Argo's just fine, Xena. I found her in a nearby village and paid a room for her at the local inn."
"Oh, Gabrielle. You are always so thoughtful." Xena smiled.
"Now, what do we do with time?" Gabrielle asked and sighed dramatically.
"Well... I've been meaning to tell you something..." Xena started.
"Oh?" Gabrielle urged her to continue.
"Uhm...ehr..." PHIOOOOOIIIINGGG!!!
Suddenly Gabrielle's clothes were pierced by Xena's eyes and fell to the floor. The bard gulped. Xena crawled on all four towards her, like a big cat. She was purring with deep, glistening desire hidden in the blue depths of her eyes that was the very window to her soul and what Gabby always loved to look into and lose herself in and where the hell were we?
Ah. Yes. Xena grabbed her bard and meowed. Gabrielle started to feel a little dizzy. And she bet that her knees had turned into jello as well. Then something indispensable happened; Xena put a finger below her chin and tilted it upwards. The warrior dipped her head. She came closer... closer... closer... And then Gabrielle swooned. Quite literally.
Xena had to awaken her with a kiss that set her veins on fire and blablablabla, yadayadayadayada...
"mfff! r' U sure?"
Ssssssscchlurrrp!!!
"K!"
Then came the sex scene:
Entangle.
Lick.
Bite.
Entwine.
Mounds of flesh.
Nub.
More mound.
Tacky.
Rub-rub-rub!
Squeal.
Growl.
Husky.
Throaty.
Grab.
Push.
Switch virginity alarm off.
Stroke.
Silk folds.
Tongue bath.
Plunge.
Ravish!
Pant! paNt! pAnT!
Ultimate, fulfilling, shared multi-orgasm.
...More engtangled.
Xena awoke with no jerk at all. This time long strawberry blond tresse- uhm, short blond hair fell over her shoulder, as the bard lay there softly snoring. They had revealed their love for each other and thus celebrated the event with five more rounds of lovemaking. Xena felt dizzy. Gabrielle had worn her out. That was very rare with her. Xena just thanked her lucky star, the fates... oh; and the snow storm, of course. Thank the gods she had such a faithful lover. To search for her for months... Xena's heart warmed and she kissed her love's hair. Exhausted, she immediately fell asleep.
Much can be said about bards and warriors. But Argo sure did appreciate all those extra apples and hugs she got when the young couple emerged from the cave. She never could understand though, why Xena kept cooing and telling her it'd been such a long time...
The End.