Asking for help...we can't always do it all....
Topic: People/Family stories
Well yesterday was a hard day. I arrived at my parents' house at 10:30 and had planned to leave right away and get to looking at our list of nursing homes. (this is our second trip to check them out) My dad was in a bad way though, so we stayed for a while. He kept talking about an 8 story building on a certain street that had the top of it torn off. People with dementia often begin an obsession about something and cannot stop until they are totally distracted by sleep or change in environment or something happens, like mealtime. He insisted that we take him to this building, but we couldn't....it didn't exist. He got billigerent and angry, cried because we wouldn't believe him and told us he knew our tricks in keeping him there and they wouldn't work. Besides having the dibilitating dementia, he also has physical needs that my mom cannot fully meet, as she has her own problems physically.

It's extremely taxing mentally and in every other way to have to deal with this constant talking, quesitons, and demands. But yesterday it was even worse because he was actually strong enough to get up from his chair by himself and walk around the house, following us and demanding we take him to this building. He is usually too weak to get himself out of a chair and sleeps a good part of the day, but he is on some medication and iron pills that are helping him to be stronger. We want him to feel good, but it happens to make him much more difficult to handle. I fixed lunch and he seemed to calm down, so my sister and I left to look at one or two places while we had time.

One of the nursing homes is run by the demonination we've grown up in and everyone who works there is a Christian and is trained to be loving, affectionate, and affirming to the residents there. They have pleasant rooms, it smelled good in there, the staff was friendly and they talked to the patients as they passed by, touching them on the shoulder or giving them a little squeeze. The residents were free to do as they wished during the day, but activities were also encouraged. They were working on an art project while we were there, gluing fun foam shapes to thick paper. My dad would love to have some sort of activity like that each day. They also offer strength training physical therapy and exercise in an exercise room atmosphere. They also have a full time chaplain...a pastor really. He holds weekly Bible study, a mid week service, and on Sunday they have Sunday School class and a worship service....all done by the same pastor. I found out later that he also tries his best to be there, by a resident's bedside as they pass from this world to Heaven. The woman who told me this said it is a very peaceful, wonderful thing. I hope when it is my time, that I can pass like that....

A doctor comes twice a week to do check ups and offer services to the people. There is always a trained nurse on each hall (there are 4 halls) and at night they check on each resident every hour. They had nice outdoor areas for the residents to enjoy, as well as a dog and a cat who live there and are shared by the residents. And there will be a bed opening up shortly. (Which means that one of the residents is ready to pass on, but after I heard what happens there at that time, I don't think that is a sad thing!)

While we were out investigating, my mom received the call from the insurance agency, that my dad has been aproved for the insurance help from our state, so his needs and living arrangements will be fully covered. We are so happy that God provided for him. He really needs full time care and so much more help than my family can give. My mom is so relieved. It is hard on her especially...but for all of us to have to come to this point in life, making permanent care decisions for our dad. But now he will get the care he's needed and once he is settled in, he will be happier I think.

In his lucid times....and he does have those in the mornings usually...he knows we are looking for a place for him and he understands. He knows how hard it has been on my mom, whose recovery from hip replacement almost a year ago has been slow due to constant pulling and lifting my dad. He is sad to be moving, but at the same time, he is expectant of the activities and new things to do and of being able to make friends again, not be locked into a small house with nothing to do, day after day.

When we got back yesterday afternoon, my dad was obsessing about a new thing, he had forgotten all about the 8 story building and kept trying to talk us into letting him go for a walk. The temperature was over 100 and he gets easily fixated and delusional when you let him do something out of his routine. So we kept having to tell him no. I told him I would walk with him through the house, but he could not go outside.

So he would walk and see the front door, and he would make a beeline to the door and say, "Now if you'll just stand here and watch me, I'll just walk to the edge of the yard and come back."

"Dad, you promised me that you would not ask me to let you go outside. Your mind is not well and it's dangerous for you." Which brought him back to accusing us of tricking him, making him think he could go outside, then at the last minute telling him no. He would cry...sob...telling us we were breaking our promise. He told my mom, "You promised me we wouldn't do this to each other. You PROMISED I could go for a walk. You swore on the peanut."

The peanut? Oh my....don't feel badly if you're laughing. We have to laugh too, (although not in front of him of course) to get through this, to relieve the extreme stress and tension of these times.

I had to stay until it was almost time for my sister to get there, so that he wouldn't keep trying to get out of the house. Eventually there was a break in the conversation (arguement) and we distracted him, talking about me moving to Phoenix and what each of my children were doing now.

As the blog I mentioned yesterday talks about, no one is really an expert. We can't do it all, we can only fake it for a while. Then we fall apart and have to ask for help.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)