Topic: Carnival entries
Early on in life, I chose a 'life verse'. This was prompted by a college Bible study group I was in....all of us so young and most so new at independence and at deciding how we would live this life as a Christian. We were fervent but lacked life experiences and depth. So when I chose Philippians 4:6-7, I had no idea how it was going to impact me and how it would eventually save my life as I clung to God's promise in those verses.
I chose the verses because I had a tendency toward worrying and anxiety. In my inexperience, I had a very shallow idea of the Christian walk and the 'peace that transcends all understanding'. It was a selfish kind of peace that I desired....one that made me feel good, calm and secure. I memorized it. I would repeat it to myself on many occassions: when I was alone at night, when I was anxious over an upcoming test or event, and when I was thinking of the future. Let me just add here that God honored my shallow thinking. I had no idea the depths and nuances that His peace included, but I was wholeheartedly following Him and trying to live according to what Scripture said. So He did bless me as I learned to give my worries over to Him and asked Him for peace in my life. I thought it was a pretty good deal!
It wasn't until I was in my 30's and went through two mid-pregnancy miscarriages that I really had to cling to those verses for dear life. The depression, anger, guilt and grief that came into my life was more than I could bear alone. God was adding depth to my life.....and that is hard....not the good deal I had remembered from my early adult years when life was always pretty mild and calm. This was down in the trenches praying and crying out. I was desperate for Him. There is a worship song that always brings the tears of remembrance back when I sing it. (I think it is written by Michael W. Smith)
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me
And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you
That is how my prayers sounded at that time, although this song wasn't written then. Just small cries for God....help, I'm desperate, speak...and in the middle of crisis, I found God at a level that was more huge than I'd ever experienced. He surrounded me, carried me through that cloudy time and created a deeper love, a greater sympathy for people who suffer, an understanding of grief and depression.
And when I emerged from that....and it took quite a while....God showed me the next few verses in that passage.
I had seen those verses before, but never put them together with God's promise about laying down anxiety and receiving peace. When I wanted to revert back into that depression and grief, I was always reminded to go back to those following verses about replacing the anxiety with good things in your head. 'Put it into practice,' it says.
Practice, practice, practice....it's not natural, it takes a lot of practice, but it does work.....
Updated: Tue, Aug 1 2006 1:53 PM PDT
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