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In the latest research of The Floridian Ponce de Leon Project, scientists at The University of Chicago have found a natural way to keep people looking youthful into old age.
Professor Agham Linton, head of the project, says he was working on effects on the creasing of the human eye while watching television, when the group found an age-related effect.
To test the idea brought up by junior assistant, Arnord Mc Duff, the lab was equipped with eight rooms with televisions placed at different heights. Two were placed at eye-level, two were placed 8” below eye-level, another two were placed 8” above eye-level, and the final two were placed at ceiling-level like those in hospitals.
In a one-year study in which 180 test subjects, sorted as to height, were encouraged to view as much television as possible, startling results were obtained.
The subjects that watched television at eye-level had no change in the opening of the resting eye. The subjects that watched the low-level televisions had a decrease of 1mm in the opening of the resting eye. A 2mm opening of the resting eye was seen in the test subjects in the third group. While the eye openings of the subjects that watched hospital-style television was an utterly amazing 3mm.
“They looked a full ten years younger than their peers and when compared with their start-phase photographs, the results were truly amazing. As you know, we scientists don’t throw the word “amazing” around unless were are serious.”
The new recommendation by the Surgeon General is to watch television at ceiling-level. This replaces the research by the Swedish firm ABBAX, which assumed big-screens and pornography were the best technique for achieving that eyes-wide-open look.
Unfortunately this only worked for middle-aged men.
There was one drawback to the experiment that must be mentioned to keep all things equal: all of that television watching lead to massive spreading of the gluteus maximus in ALL of the test subjects.
No animals were killed in the process of this research. Neither was any testing of microwave radiation measured during the process. This will be studied when the second half of the $3 billion is received in late January.
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Cindy Wynne writes “Binkie & The Yellow Plane: Your Tax Dollars & How They Like To Spend It” in a bimonthly column for The Chicago Star Tribune.
