Reflections of an Alcoholic
|
I am twenty-five years old and in many ways I feel like I have regressed about the same amount of time as I have progressed. Technically that means I lived through 155 months of growth and evolving and 155 months of setbacks and slip-ups. The regression brought me full circle to the point I was at when I began this journey called life. The point of starting out with nothing to lose and everything to gain is, of course, less than ideal for a 25-year-old to be at. I have learned more through my failures than my successes, and I, having nothing but knowledge to lose, am embarking on a new way of life. I can at the worst only fail, but at the best I can change into the person I have always wanted to be. To explain this recent turning point in my life, I must tell you that I am at this very moment writing from my cell in the Will County Adult Detention Facility. Why am I here? Among a whole bunch of reasons, the best I can come up with is my lack of self-control. How long have I been here? Today is day one hundred and one. You see, I have been living the last 101 days differently than I have lived any of my adult life and not just because I am locked up. I have searched my soul through these past days of incarceration, and I have found my personal purpose for this lifetime. I have found peace, and joy, and, what I have most desperately needed self-control. I have found faith and spirituality. I have found sobriety and self-respect. I have found most importantly, God. I never thought that I could change. I considered myself a lost cause doomed to live an unhappy existence and therefore I was consumed with self-pity and self-hatred. It was an ugly combination. I felt sorry for myself for being the way I was and although I hated what I was, I did nothing to change it. Then, I woke up in a dirty cell wearing a green suicide gown made from a blanket. I was still drunk from the night before. In my cell, I had a roll of toilet paper, and a suicide blanket, and the aforementioned gown. I was angry at myself for getting into this situation. As the days passed, it became clear to me that I had gotten myself locked up, and I had to be the one to make sure that this never happened again. Over and over in my head, the situation that landed me in jail went around and around. I had started drinking by myself in the privacy of my own home, I was alone and I was drinking Friday afternoon to get ready for Friday night. I drank and drank this Bahama Mama mixed drink. The bottle was mostly gone but I had a bottle of margarita mix as a back-up. Then, my phone rang and it was my friend, Kurt. He was bringing his girlfriend, Erica, to town and we were all going to the bar to play pool and drink. It sounded good to me. I got ready and soon they were there. We went to Gippers, a local bar, and I pounded beers. My friends were drinking slower than me. I went to the bathroom and Erica followed me in there. At first, I thought she wanted to talk to me, but then she kissed me. Since we both had boyfriends, I just thought she was drunk. She is tiny and her margarita was probably catching up to her. So, we continued playing pool. Then, after a few games, we all left to go back to my apartment. I had that bottle of margarita mix, which we could all drink since we were running out of money. |
| Next |