Chapter 20

Forgiveness

"I'm worried about Nick," Isabella said to A.J. as they sat on the beach. "You know, the whole Cassandra thing."

"Yeah," A.J. agreed. "He's really depressed about what she said. Maybe she didn't say any of that stuff."

"What are you talking about?"

"Maybe he wanted a way out of the relationship, of the commitment, and maybe this was the only way. Maybe he's even started to believe it himself."

"That's so not true and you know it," Isabella said, standing up.

A.J. smiled. "I know. I'm only being rational."

Isabella sat back down next to him. "It's not very becoming of you."

He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a puppy dog look. "Aww, why not?"

"Because. You trying to figure things out? It just doesn't fit."

"I bet I know something that does fit?" He leaned over and kissed her.

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about!"

"What?"

"Our lips are plural! You tried to figure out something, like how you could be romantic, and it flopped!"

"What about that time when you had to put on your yellow gown and you came down to a candle lit dinner and I won you back? Wasn't that romantic?"

"Oh, you know that Cassie and Nick set that up!" She laughed.

"Well...so? I was still being romantic!"

"Yes you were," she finally agreed, not wanting to fight with him. He kissed her again, longer and more passionately, letting his tongue weave with hers. When they pulled apart, they just looked out over the water.

"You know," A.J. said, "I kinda know what Nick is going through. Somewhat."

"How so?" she asked, looking at him.

"Yes, we have each other, but besides Nick, we have no one else. We haven't tried to talk to anyone and the only person's dreams you've gone in was Cassandra's to tell her that she made a mistake and to stop Nick from killing her."

"Would you like me to take you into someone's dreams?"

"That's not the point that I'm making."

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay but Nick has tried anything and everything to keep his connection to Cassie, and we haven't tried to make any connection with anybody."

"Should we?"

"That's the next point I was going to make. I don't think we should. Nick did everything but he got burned bad. Cass accepted it for a while but then hurt him so deeply that he's scary now. I don't want that at all. People are scared. People get scared and they get confused."

"Yeah, I know. And things were going so well for Nick."

"Well, shit happens."

"Excuse me?" Cassandra asked, eying Nicole.

"It was my fault. I was holding him that night when Jonathan and I fell asleep."

"So it was me, too," Jonathan said. "We both fell asleep. It's both of our faults."

"No it's not your fault," Cassandra said. "Either of you. And I don't know why you're thinking about this now. It happened so long ago."

"I guess," Nicole said, "that with Nick's death and all, it just made me think because he was so close to him."

"Yeah, it's not your fault," Kevin spoke up.

"I dunno-"

"Trust me," Cassandra said, "it's not."

"Speaking of things being blamed," Jonathan said, "how are Mercedes and Brian doing?"

"Jonathan!" Nicole exclaimed.

"No, it's okay," Cassandra said. "I think that they're back to being good as new."

"That's good," Kevin said. "Emalia and I also."

"Yeah. Awesome."

Just then, Mercedes and Brian walked in.

"Hey guys!" Brian said. "Whatcha doing?"

"We were just talking about you," Kevin said.

"You were?" Mercedes asked as they sat down.

"Yeah," Kevin said. "I was just asking Cass if you guys were back to normal."

"I guess we are."

"What about your relationship with Cass?" Everyone looked uneasily around the room from Cassandra and back to Mercedes.

Mercedes looked at Cassandra and Cassandra swallowed hard. "Since you didn't really do anything," Mercedes said, "I guess I can forgive you for this." Everyone let out a sigh, but Mercedes continued. "But if you ever do it again, I'll kill you both!" They looked at Mercedes scared but then she smiled and started to laugh.

Cassandra walked into her kitchen later on that night and saw Mercedes, Brian and Nicole making something to eat. She smiled timidly at Mercedes and Brian and took Nicole's arm. "Nicole, can I talk to you? Seriously?"

"Of course!" The two of them walked into the living room and made sure that no one could hear them. "What's up?"

"Well, you still believe all of the Nick stuff right?"

"Like the dreams and stuff?"

Cassandra nodded.

"Yeah, why?" Nicole asked.

"I began to hear him and-"

"That's great!"

"Let me finish!"

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Anyway, this past week, I heard him and I had this huge breakdown and I said a lot of mean stuff."

"Like what?"

"Like, I didn't love him anymore and that he was torturing me and that...that I didn't want to hear him or feel him again."

"Whoa, you should feel bad."

"I know-"

"But it's completely understandable."

"It is?"

"Of course! Nick died and he came back way too soon for you to handle. If Jonathan died today and then started coming to me tomorrow, I'd freak out, too. What I think you should have done was explain what you were feeling. I'm sure he's hurting now, too."

"And he also tried to kill me in my dreams. I may still have the bruises from it."

"Now that I don't agree with. You've had to handle a lot, I know that. When I lost Jonathan, I thought that I had lost him for good. I felt like half of me died. But we got back together, with you're help of course, and I know that Nick is just trying to make up for where he is right now."

"She is good!" Nick commented, listening in.

"I think," Nicole continued, "that what you need is space from him, not forever, maybe a couple of days or a week maybe even a year, to just sort out your thoughts and emotions and grieve for a while."

"I-I went to see his grave."

"You did?" Nicole and Nick asked together.

"Yeah. A-And the message...it was so him, but just to write something to me it's...I can't believe it."

"You went alone?" Nicole asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah. Why? Is it a big deal?"

"We-I-just didn't think...well-"

"That I could handle it?"

"Well, yeah. Basically."

"I did and it really helped, in a matter of speaking."

"Wow. I dunno what to say."

"Just tell me that I did the right thing by saying what I said to him."

"I can't do that. Nick's a good man-"

Nick smiled. "Thank you-"

"And," Nicole continued, "I can't let him down by saying that he shouldn't or doesn't deserve to be around the one thing in his life that he loves more than anything. I'm sorry. I can't."

"I guess not, but you know that I still love him, too."

"Duh!"

"How can you not love me?" Nick tried to ask. "I'm so...loveable!"

"I just wish that I could apologize," Cassandra said.

"You can-"

"But I can't. I think I need some space."

"I guess that's understandable."

"Gee...thanks."

After hearing what Cassandra said, Nick followed her up to her room. He sat down on the bed and watched her pull out a shirt from her drawer. It was a dark green one and she just stared at it for a while. "Oh, now you're stealing my shirts?" Nick said. He laughed, but stopped when she took her hair out. He sat there and watched her change into his shirt and then climb into bed. She began to reach over to turn the light off, but she stopped.

"Nick, I'm sorry," she said outloud, hoping that Nick would hear her.

He looked up. "What?"

"I am so sorry about what I said to you. Nicole was right about everything. Ever since I woke up in the hospital, it's been an endless nightmare. You just suddenly came back and expected me to believe it was you and for me to accept all of it. I can't. I needed space. I can't accept that we aren't together. I married you with the thought in mind that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and have the perfect family. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

Nick nodded his head in agreement.

"God, I love you," she continued. "I still do. I always will. Please, just say something right now. Tell me that you're here and that you've heard me, and that you...that you forgive me. I need to know that you still love me." She searched the air.

Nick opened his mouth to say something so she could hear him, but he couldn't. He understood that she needed space. He couldn't bring himself to say anything to her yet. She reached over and turned off her light and started to drift off to sleep since Nick obviously wasn't going to say anything or he just didn't forgive her, or he just didn't love her anymore.