Quotes
Hooking up: Friends on Dating
Monica on discovering that her new boyfriend is in high school:
"Oh God, I'm like those women you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins."
Chandler: "I think for us, kissing is pretty much an opening act. I mean, it's like the comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes up."
Rachel: "Yeah, well, word of advice-bring back the comedian. Otherwise, next time you're going to find yourself sitting at home listening to that album alone."
Phoebe encouraging Chandler to approach a beautiful woman: "You know how you always see, like, some really beautiful women with these really nothing guys? You could be one of those guys."
Rachel: "I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. God, by my sixth date with Paolo, he'd already named both my breasts."
Phoebe: "I broke up with Roger.....I mean, he's a good person. And he can be really sweet. And in some ways I think he's so right for me. It's just.....I hate that guy."
Joey discussing Ross's romantic history: "Man, can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?"
Chandler:" I think that's great. You know, it's sweet. It's romantic....."
Joey: "Really?"
Chandler: "Are you kidding? The guy's a freak."
Ross: "Wasn't this supposed to be a fling. Shouldn't it be.....flung by now?"
Joey advising Chandler against appearing too eager after a great first date: "Let her dangle."
Phoebe: "Oh, come on! Just do it! Call her! Stop being so.....testosteroney."
Chandler: "Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat."
Monica: "Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day."
Joey: "What? Like there's some rule or something?"
The Secret Language of Dating
Monica: Loosely translated, "We should do this again" means "You will never see me naked."
Rachel: "Since when?"
Joey: "Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like....."It's not you" means "It is you."
Chandler: "Or "You're such a nice guy" means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you."
Phoebe: "Or, you know, um....."I think we should see other people" means "Ha, ha.....I already am."
Ross: "I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to.....woo her."
Chandler: "Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used."
Chandler to Ross: "What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy. It's time for you to swoop in."
Joey to Ross: "It's never gonna happen between you and Rachel. Because, you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the "Friend Zone."
Monica to her male friends: "I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people."
Phoebe on the art of breaking up: "You can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid. You do it really fast and then the wound is exposed."
Monica: "Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?"
Dysfunctionally Yours: Friends on Family
Rachel: "Why can't parents just stay parents? Why do they have to become people?"
Monica: "Chandler, you're an only child, right? You didn't have any of this."
Chandler: "Well, no. Although I did have an imaginary friend who my parents actually preferred."
Phoebe, jealous of her twin: "It's mostly dumb stuff. She was the first one to start walking, even though I did it the same day. But to my parents, by then it was, yeah, like, "Right, what else is new?"
Ross, after completing his childbirth classes: "You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I could find my way out of there (snaps fingers) like that."
Ross: "I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid."
Chandler: "Oh, yeah? That's nice."
Ross: "No. No. With him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby."
Joey to Ross: "You broke the code.....You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay, maybe a hot lookin' aunt, but not a mom, never a mom."
Chandler: "If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing twenty-two-year-old boys, or I'll wind up like my mom."
Rachel on seeing Ross's baby for the first time: "I can't believe one of us actually has one of these."
Chandler: "I know. I still am one of these."
My So-Called Career: Friends on Working
Chandler: "Well, you know, Pheebs, I don't know if being a secretary is your kind of thing, because it involves a lot of being normal for a large portion of the day."
Rachel on viewing her first paycheck: "Who's FICA? Why is he getting my money?"
Monica to Rachel: "Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it."
Chandler: "You can always spot someone who's never seen one of Joey's plays before. Notice: No fear. No sense of impending doom."
Phoebe to Joey after he admits to participating in a fertility study to earn extra cash: "Wow, you're gonna make money hand over fist."
Rachel: "Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up."
Rachel: "I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so I can waitress in the Olympics."
Chandler: "All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers.....it doesn't make much of a difference."
Chandler: "Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream."
Ross: "Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have A Dream" speech."
Hanging Out: A Few Good Friends
Monica: "Come on. Let's get some coffee."
Chandler: "Oh, okay. 'Cause we never do that."
Ross, on Marcel the monkey's sexual awakening: "One day Marcel's a little thing. And then, before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg."
Joey: "Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. So long as there's a little nudity."
Ross: "I've got to go to China."
Joey: "The country?"
Ross: "No. The big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront."
Monica: "We thought since Phoebe was staying over, we'd make it kind of a slumber party thing. We got trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister....."
Phoebe: "Oooh! And I brought Operation-but I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy."
Chandler: "I believe this piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio."
Joey: "You knew about that?"
Chandler: "Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination."
Phoebeisms: Exploring the Outer Limits of Language
"You're like Mr. Caring Boss. Mr. I'm One of You Boss. I want to Be Your Buddy Boss Man Bing."
"If you're up to your fifteenth date, you're in a very relationshippy place, you know."
"It's my friends. They have a "liking" problem with you. In that, um, they don't."
"What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?"
"You're like all chaotic and twirly. And not in the good way."
"Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?"
"I'm going to miss you, you scientist guy."
"And for a shrink, he's not too "shrinky."
Doin' The Bing Thing: Chandler's Comebacks
Chandler illustrating his unenviable situation: "Okay. Rock. Hard place. Me."
Chandler, as Ross enters the room with Marcel on his shoulder: "Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his butt."
Joey: "Go to China. Eat Chinese food."
Chandler: "Of course, there they just call it "food.""
Chandler: "You know that thing when you and I talk to each other about things?"
Joey: "Yeah."
Chandler: "Let's not do that anymore."
Ross: "I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat. How am I going to raise a kid?"
Chandler: "You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different."
Joey: "All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?"
Chandler: "Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to "Cats," you go to The Russian Tea Room."
Ross: "All right. All right, we're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this: Since you saw her boobies, I think you're going to have to show her your pee-pee."
Chandler: "You know, I don't see that happening."
Rachel: "Come on. He's right. Tit for tat."
Chandler: "Well, I am not showing you my tat."
Chandler in response to Monica's news that "Paul the Wine Guy" asked her out: "Oh, this is a dear diary moment."
Chandler: "So? How'd it go?"
Joey: "It was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?"
Chandler: "The fact that you even ask that question shows how little you know me."
Chandler on learning that Rachel is babysitting Ross's monkey: "I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey."
Chandler: "How about "Joey Pepponi?"
Joey: "No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral."
Chandler: "Joey Switzerland?"
Phoebe: "We're so stupid!! You know what they're doing in there......they're trying to take Joey!!"
Phoebe: "Do you know what I'd hear? Not mine! Not mine! Not mine! And even if I was happy, and I was skipping, do you know what I'd hear? Not not mine! Not not mine! Not not mine!"
Monica: " You're gonna do some feet flirtin' "
Rachel: "Oh, honey, you're not a total loser"
Monica: "I don't have her number, buttmunch!!"
Ross: "Did ya see me write one down?!"
Phoebe: "Ooh mad libs! Mine!!!"
Chandler: "I don't know who is here but I sure know who the hell isn't and that's Rachel!"
Chandler:"Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time"
Rachel:"Josh....ua!"
Joey:"Ah, I don't wanna see that!!"
Monica:"Never done that before!"
Chandler:"Nope"
Phoebe:"...and I make the best oatmeal cookies, in the world!"
Rachel:"Got anymore cookies?"
Chandler:"Nice breasts by the way!"
Chandler:"Alright now let's decide who has the nicest ass!"
Joey:"Look, I'm Chandler, could I BE wearin' anymore clothes?"
Joey:"My Giant? I love that movie!!"
Monica:"Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!!" >>
Joey:"Ya know what? Now that I think about it, I often find myself without 20's and you always have lots!"
Chandler:"Well give me the phone then!"
Rachel: "Are you sure you wanna hear this?!"
Rachel: "Chandler she's gone crazy!"
Joey:"Well believe it baby!"
Phoebe:"I think she means you DANCE a dance class!"
Monica:"Not ah, you messed it up, you're stupid!"
Rachel:"Yes I do."
Rachel:"...because you always have to be right!"
Phoebe:"Hi Mommy!"
Monica:"No......we can make fudge!"
Ross:"Oh good, pity food!?"
Rachel: "Hoooooooo not compared to you!"
Monica:"42 to 21 like the turkey Ross is done!"
Chandler:"...but when he gets out of the shower, he always puts a towel around him, I mean, what is that about?!"
Chandler:" Oh yeah, definitely the second one!" Phoebe:"This is getting ridiculous."
Chandler:"I'm still on London time, does that count?" Joey:"....In London?!"
Chandler:"Yes.....yes."
Chandler:"You are so great, I love you!"
Monica:"What did you say?!"
Chandler: "They stole, YOU STOLE, our apartment!"
"I called you fat?"
Chandler: "It's time for the good ice cream now, isn't it?"
Joey:"I need something sweet."
Rachel:"I think ya killed us!"
Phoebe:"Hey, does anyone want to watch tv?"
Phoebe:"Monica, your remote control doesn't work."
Monica: "Call them mom and dad, loser!"
Monica:"You have to lift it, and POINT it."
Chandler: "Oh yeah it's great, you should be a chef."
Phoebe:"Ooh, oh, broken boobs!"
Ross:"Oh am I? Am I? Am I out of my mind? Am I loooosing my senses?" Ross:"You grow up."
Joey:"Oh you do, do you?"
Monica:"Can I talk to you for a second?!"
Joey:"Oh, that's a good one.....Yemen, that actually sounds like a real country."
Joey: "Thanks for tellin' me!"
Monica: "Chicken? I could eat some chicken."
Monica: "Good, they feel good.....in my head!"
Joey: "That's great! You and my sister sittin' in a tree!"
Joey:"Hey, remember that time when Ross tried to say Butter-Nut Squash and it came out Squtter-Nut Bosh?!"
Ross:"Yeah, that was the same."
Chandler:"Nothing, I said you're so great, and then I just stopped talking!"
Joey:"It's Joey!"
Phoebe:"I am totally doing it!"
Phoebe:"Hello!?"
Phoebe:"Little Tony Tarzan swingin' on a nose hair, swingin' with the greatest of ease!"
Phoebe:"Hold me close young Tony Danza."
Joey: "Morning's here. The morning's here. Sunshine is near!"
Phoebe:"New York City has no power, and all the milk has gone sour. But to me it is not scary, cause I stay away from dairy."
Chandler:"Do you think there's a town called Sample? And when you arrive it says 'You're in Sample'?!"
Chandler:"What, he has sex and we get hit in the head for it!"
Joey:"What are you, eight?!"
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