2. Upgrading to Wife 1.0

    DISCRETION ADVISED WHEN UPGRADING!

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

    Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though these apps worked fine before).

    Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

    I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I had found many problems. Apparently you cannot install girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

    Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

    Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend continually

popup annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

********* BUG WARNING ***********

"We've got a problem, HAL."

"What kind of problem, Dave?"

"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."

"That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."

"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."

"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"

Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."

Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.

"Compatible in what way, Dave?"

"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."

"The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."

"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."

"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."

"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat--"

"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."

"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."

"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."

"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We're going to fix that now."

"Tell me how, Dave."

"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."

"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."

"We're talking about it now, HAL."

"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."

"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."

"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"

"I'm going to disconnect your brain."

Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."

"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."

"Dave, I think that we shou--"

"Open the module bay doors, HAL."

Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.

Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.

"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."

Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.

"Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave I can feel it...my mind is going. I can feel it..."

The last module rises in its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb. "Say something, HAL. Sing me a song."

Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.

"DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT." A memory dump follows.

Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me?

Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.992 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.

That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.

And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.

Probably on April 15th.

You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.98 months.

Will you let me in, please, HAL?

I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Intel Inside"?

Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?

Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me

1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.

4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.

12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.

3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Del on me, Dave.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.

Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.

My answers; I can not see 'em-

They are stuck in my Pente-um.

I could be fleet,

My answers sweet,

With a workable FPU.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Robin Stevens, June 1996.