by
Scott E. Roeben
"Everything is relative.
After all, sloths think
turtles are hyperactive."
"If everything is relative, what is everything else?"
"The best advice I ever got I saw on a bottle of aspirin.
It said: Keep away from children."
"I got a miniature abacus for my birthday. Apparently, it's the little things that count."
"I could never lead a double life. I don't have that much closet space."
"Have you seen that new magazine, Shoplifters Monthly?
It's great. In fact,
I have a bunch of extra copies if you'd like one."
"I'm not a great lover. Once, I actually gave a woman an anti-climax."
"Sometimes I feel a little like roadkill in a world full of crows."
"Have you ever seen a psychopath with a flattering haircut?"
"It's not a good idea to lie. Especially if you're in the middle of the road."
"Has anyone ever actually seen someone's butt in a sling?"
"My favorite oxymoron? Engagement party."
"They say 'you catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.'
Frankly, bullshit outdoes them both."
"I'm going through an awkward stage.
You know. The one between birth and death."
"I think I have insomnia.
Lately, I've been getting about as much sleep as Charles Manson's cellmate."