"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
Albert Einstein.
"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
Mike Barfield.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
Jim Bishop.
"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble."
Martin Mull.
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."
Richard Zera.
"The real menace about dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old."
Jean Kerr.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."
Bernard Manning.
"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet."
Bill Cosby.
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Bill Cosby.
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
Emo Philips.
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"I invented the cordless extension cord.
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy."
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."
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