A lady goes to a sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod for her husban.When she gets there the man at the front desk is wearing some sunglasses.She asks "Can I get a fishing rod?" The man says "ok.How about this cxp2059 for $25.00?" The woman says "no."Then how about a cxxp for $20.00?" The woman agrees.The woman has to fart.She knows the man is blind so she fart away. The salesman says "that will be $25.00"."Huh!You said it was $20.00." "20 for the rod,3 for the duck call and 2 for the bait."
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Cool!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, black-jack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays.
There's a family that lives on a farm. They get all their income from a cow, and it supports the whole family. The family is a mother, a father, and three sons.
One morning the mother wakes up and sees the cow dead. "We can't go on any longer!" she says, and hangs herself.
Later on, the father wakes up, and sees the cow and his wife dead. "I can't go on anymore" he says, and shoots himself.
The first son wakes up, sees his parents and the cow dead, and says "We can't live anymore" and goes to drown himself at the river. At the river he meets a mermaid. She says to him, "If you have sex with me 5 times, I'll restore your family back to life." "Okay" he says, and he tries. He makes it to 4 times, and then he can't do it anymore. He drowns in the river.
The second son wakes up, sees his parents, his brother, and the cow dead, and says "I have no reason to live" and goes to drown himself at the river. At the river he meets a mermaid. She says to him, "If you have sex with me 10 times, I'll restore your family back to life." "Okay" he says, and he tries. He makes it to 8 times, and then he can't do it anymore. He drowns in the river.
The last son wakes up, sees his parents and the cow dead, and says "It's over. I have to kill myself." and goes to drown himself at the river. At the river he meets a mermaid. She says to him, "If you have sex with me 15 times, I'll restore your family back to life."
"15?" he says. "Is that all?? How about 20?" "Well..." "How about 25?? Make it 30 times!!!"
The mermaid, a little perplexed, says "Okay. If you have sex with me 30 times, I'll restore your family back to life."
The third son says, "Well how do I know after 30 times you won't die like the cow did?"
All right, 3 old men were walking down the railroad tracks when the 1st man said to the 3rd man, "You poop your pants?" the man replied "no" so, they walked on and eventually, the 2nd man smelled it too, so he said "Are you sure you didnt crap your pants?" he said "Im positive i didnt crap my pants!" so, they walked on longer, and finally it smelled so bad, they pulled his pants down and said "HEY! I thought you didnt crap your pants," the man looked at them and replied "OH! i thought you meant today!"
A Boy asks Mother about God...
boy: mommy is god black or white mother: well god is both black and white boy: mommy is god straight or gay? mother: well god is both straight and gay boy: mommy is god a man or a woman mother: well god is both a man and a woman boy: mommy is god michael jackson?
The Pickle Slicer
1.A guy comes home from work at the Pickle Factory all dejected looking one day and his wife asks him what was wrong.
"Oh, it's really nothing dear, but since you asked, I've been haveing these thoughts at work about sticking my thingy into the pickle slicer".
"That's terrible" his wife replied. "All I can say is to try to stop thinking that".
The next day the husband comes home from work all red and flushed and his wife asks him why he is home so early. The husband says, "Honey, remember I was telling you about the pickle slicer? Well, I couldn't take it anymore, so I stuck my thingy in it to see what it was like"
"OH MY GOD", the wife said I don't believe you acrually went through with it".
"That's not all" the husband says, "the boss walked in on me while I was doing it and fired me on the spot".
"Well that's just great", the wife says. The husband says, "That's not the half of it, you know I was telling you about the pickle slicer? They fired her too!"
