There are women who grew up in dark forests, far from the safety and comforts of civilization. Here, in dense trees and heavy undergrowth, they courageously built a home. Without the benefit of pathways or signs to give direction, they used their strong spirits to guide them, growing up to be survivors of incest.
Many women have spent their lives in this forest. One out of every three know this place and yet, they grew up feeling alone. Here they learned how others would treat them, who to trust, what they deserved. They gathered information that made them decide if they were effective, kind, talented, smart, capable. As children of the dark forest, these women figured out if they were loving or loveable. It was here they determined if they could protect themselves, and how. During this time of growing from children to women, their relationship with their own sensuality and sexuality unfolded. Habits, responses, and feelings solidified into each woman's beliefs about herself, in this forest of sexual abuse.
Some of the women were aware of the lurking dangers of this forest and always remembered them. Others were able to keep track of bits and pieces of the trauma they encountered while growing up here. But, for about half of the women, knowledge of the monsters in their lives entered their memory in a unique way, called dissociative memory. To protect them, so they could put all their energies into surviving the forest, their traumatic memories were stored in a way that placed them outside their awareness. With memories and without, each woman found their most outrageous and wonderful way to build a life in this place that saw sunlight only sometimes. Then a most incredible thing began to happen in the forest of child sexual abuse. Brave and caring people started appearing. Sharing information and listening to those who lived in the darkness, they brought hope. Believing what they were told, they brought light. It was then the women of the forest realized they weren't alone and they began sharing their secrets. Each time a secret was told, a light went on and the forest no longer looked so dark, or lonely.
The women who had built their homes in the darkness, eating picnics under storm clouds and sitting on swings in thunderstorms, were now learning they had other options. There was a path out of the forest. It was called healing.
While it was true each incest survivor had to create her own path of healing, there were those who would walk with her. It was sure to be a daunting adventure for those who had no experience in the travels of healing. There would be mountains to climb, raging rivers to cross, emotions to explore, dragons to slay, waterfalls of tears, valleys of grief and sadness. But with each step, these women in healing would also be finding joyous wildflowers, peaceful ponds, unimagined sunrises, rocks to skip, singing birds, dancing butterflies.
Each step would find them standing taller and feeling stronger until the day they came to the edge of their forest and saw the sunlit meadow stretching as far as they could see. Now they could build a new home, away from the shadows of the forest, in the warmth of knowledge and awareness. Here in the meadow, the survivors of incest had the opportunity to know themselves outside their abuse. Their feelings would always be shaped by their years in the forest, but now they were safe to explore their needs. Using habits, skills, and responses that helped them survive the forest, they could now know their unique talents. Letting go of old actions and reactions because they were no longer needed, each survivor could touch her passions. Here was the place to discover their own possibilities.
The rainbows that follow storms provided colors for growing. Red was the color for emotions being discovered. Action and choices were found in orange. Yellow was available to bring balance and health. Green, in the middle, provided insight. Peace and relaxation could always be found in blue. Indigo was for the creativity that is part of every soul. Violet was the color of power.
And, at the end of the rainbow, each survivor was sure to find the pot of gold as she discovered her unique, courageous, amazing self.
Sit in a safe place with a stuffed animal or blanket or Koosh ball or another object which comforts you.
Call or meet with a safe person and talk.
Write about your feelings.
Take a walk.
Take naps.
Drink a soothing beverage like hot cocoa or milk.
Speak gently to yourself.
Take a long soothing bath.
Read meditation books aloud or silently. Reaffirm that you are OK, that you will survive, that it's healing to feel feelings, that you're safe and the abuser will not hurt you again.
Exercise to relieve stress and express anger or grief.
Listen to soft, soothing music.
We as incest and abuse survivors were taught that we were powerless. Now, we must find ways to take back our power, to conquer our fears, and to live the strong, powerful lives we deserve. The following ideas were submitted by asar posters as ways to gain power over various aspects of our life. They are offered in the spirit they were given - if it helps you, use it, if not, let it go.
Personal myth - In order to deal with night terrors, create a tale of the monster that haunts you, where it lives, the spells you put on it to keep it in check, how you do battle with it, not killing it but weakening it! Or, adopt a MAGIC DRAGON who lives in your bedroom and is very loving and gentle, but also very brave and powerful, and watches over you. Or, picture a 7 foot sexless giant guardian. This guardian is there to protect you and ONLY you from any "dangers" in the night. It won't hurt you, only protect you.
These techniques could also be adapted to deal with body memories, flashbacks, other things that make you afraid and come from inside.
Children's books, stuffed animals - It is very comforting to have a soft "lovey" to hug when you are scared or sad. Also, books like "Where the Wild Things Are", by Maurice Sendak, that address night fears for children can make good bedtime reading. Another asar person says: "I have found the "Carl" series to be good (it is several stories about a rottwieler named Carl, who baby-sits a little baby (Carl's Day in the Park, Carl's Christmas, Good Dog Carl, etc....I think Alexandra Day wrote them), also the stories are a about trust and safety (there is no text, just wonderful pictures). and of COURSE there are bears, and green dinosaurs named Naomi..."
Maintaining your personal space - ELBOWS can be placed out to subtlely bloc people from getting too close. If they still don't get the hint, don't be afraid to _USE_ them, a quick "accidental" jab can get the message across that the person is TOO CLOSE - BACK OFF!!!!!!!!!!
Night terrors - Teach yourself to wake up and rewrite the script - "If you wake up and can remember the scenerio of your dream, then lay back down, and make up a new ending to your dream. For example. I had a dream one time where I was in the middle of this field and there were a group of men killing another group of men one by one. As the slaughter continued, something woke me up right in the middle. So I would have this dream for many nights in a row ALWAYS waking up. I learned that I could make up a new ending to this dream by recreatining the dream in my head RIGHT after waking up (when it is still fresh in my head!) SO I envisioned being back in this field, watching this slaughter and saying to myself, I'm not comfortable with what is going on here, so I will change this dream. And I went on to envision that I had a gun and I shot it up in the air getting the intention of the killers and started screaming at them to go away and leave the people alone. Then I walked into town and told the police and they came out and took care of the people. What happened, I found is that when I *practiced* this, I noticed that during dreams, in the dreams when things started getting bad, I dreamt that I would say something like "I don't like what is going on here" and the dream would end. What a wierd experience to be able to KEEP bad dreams from happening."
Change your speech patterns - "Take responsibilty for those things in your life over which you have power. One simple exercise to help work towards this is to be conscious of your speech patterns; English often sabotages our self-empowerment.
Replace "I have to" with "I choose to". It's a simple exercise that makes us consciously hear ourselves describing the choices we're making, and perhaps weren't aware of under the old patterns. See how it sounds; if it doesn't sound too great, then perhaps it will cue you to make a different choice.
"She/He made me mad" is another speech pattern that abdicates responsibility for our own feelings, and gives the empowerment to somebody else. "I chose to get mad at her/him" is a self-empowering substitute.
I believe that victims say "I have to", and people who are on their way to becoming empowered say "I choose to" or "I choose not to." The very good news is that you do have lots and lots of choices about things. The bad news is that with choice comes the responsibility for living with the choice. "I have to live at home" simultaneously robs you of choice but also makes the abuse you're getting there not your fault. "I choose to live at home" gives you the power NOT to live at home -- pretty neat, yes? -- but also makes it clear that if you do, you have to take a share of the responsibility for getting dumped on, and if you don't, you have to take responsiblity for changing the situation. "
A Bill Of Assertive Rights "I recently completed a stress-management clinic, and one of the things that was discussed at length was the necessity of being more assertive: when you quit being a doormat, life tends to become a little less stressful. One of the handouts we were given was the following, which I pass along to you all in the hope that somebody might find it helpful.
