JOKES!
Ok, this is the place that I have put all the jokes that my friend STARR got sent, and she was sooooooo nice to send 'em to me!!! THANK YOU STARR!!!!! *hug*
The Accident
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was over come with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thankyou for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Sore tooth
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
thebar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars there.
He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests
then you get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the
jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make
a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back
with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an
orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then
get crazier from there
Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a
big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a
face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggersback
into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
There was an old married couple that had lived happily
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in
their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise
would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause
her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that
it was just a natural bodily function and then he would
laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with
her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if
he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each
day, she told him this same thing.
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his
guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the
wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought
occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the
turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled
back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the
turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up
and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish
preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not
control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled
on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him
she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his
eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked
him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did
tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these
days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and
these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!"
THIS IS THE BEST JOKE! AND IT IS TRUE TOO!
WOMEN ARE THE SMARTER SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex.............
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are
totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's
interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."Then
she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from
the bottle, then handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
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