Welcome to my page on everything Bart Simpson has ever written on that blackboard. Your welcome to browse through the halarious sayings below...Enjoy!
Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was repeated
7G08 *** None - Christmas Special
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G05 *** None
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G11 *** None
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
7F03x I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F04 *** None - Halloween Special
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01* It's potato, not potatoe
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10* I will not sell school property
7F11* I will not cut corners
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F14 *** None
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F19 *** None
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21* I will not show off
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04* I will not squeak chalk
8F05 I will finish what I sta
8F02 *** None - Halloween Special
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F07 *** None
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F12 *** None
8F14 I will not spank others
8F16 *** None
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick
8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F21* I will not spin the turtle
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01* I will not defame New Orleans
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
9F04 *** None - Halloween Special
9F03* I will not bury the new kid
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09* Coffee is not for kids
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21* I will never win an Emmy
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F02 *** None
1F01 *** None
1F04 *** None - Halloween Special
1F03 *** None
1F05 *** None
1F06 *** None
1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F12 *** None
1F13 *** None
1F14 I am not delightfully saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the
professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail
Satan
1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express
permission of Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
1F17 *** None
2F33 I will not use abbrev.
2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
2F02 *** None
2F03 *** None - Halloween Special
2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
2F07 *** None
2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard
enough
2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to
insult the Principal
2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it
does
2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person
2F14 I will remember to take my medication
2F31 *** None
2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place
2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first
graders
2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy
2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping
2F16* This is not a clue...or is it?
2F20* I will not complain about the solution when I
hear it
3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits
3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine
3F03 The boys room is not a water park
3F04 *** None - Halloween Special
3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
3F06 *** None
3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other
living things
3F31* I will only do this once a year
3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos
3F09 *** None
3F11 *** None
3F12 *** None
3F13 *** None
3F14 *** None
3F16 *** None
3F18 *** None
3F20 *** None
3F21 *** None
3F22 *** None
4F02 *** None - Halloween Special
3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in
kindergarten
4F03 I am not my long-lost twin
4F05 *** None
4F04 *** None
4F01* *** None
4F07 *** None
3F24 *** None
3G01* The truth is not out there
4F08 I am not licensed to do anything
4F10 *** None
3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
4F12 *** None
4F11 *** None
4F14 *** None
4F13 *** None
4F15 *** None
4F09 *** None
4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire
4F17 *** None
4F18 *** None
4F19 *** None
4F20 *** None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
Repeated openings:
7F14 - repeat of 7F10
1F17 - repeat of 9F17
- repeat of 1F11
that all quotes were originally in all capital
letters, but any
<
punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes
Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown
If an episode is not listed (for example, 7G05 and 1F01), it did not have a
blackboard quote the first time it was shown
"x" after an episode number indicates it took place during the episode
(for example, in 8F15, at the end of the episode, after Bart confesses
to Lisa's crime of stealing the textbooks, he is writing "I Will Not
Expose The Ignorance Of The Faculty" on the blackboard)
"*" indicates a note:
7F01: This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan
Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
7F08: To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
7F11: It actually looks like this:
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " "
7F21: This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
8F04: Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
8F05: This appears on one line; the rest is blank
8F15: Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she
has to clap erasers
8F21: The original FAQ did not list this one; thanks to Dominik Halas
for catching this one during a Canadian repeat
9F01: New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
9F03: During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better child"
9F09: Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
9F21: This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were
announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy
Series", but it wasn't nominated (in the previous three seasons, it
was nominated for (and won) "Best Animated Program", an award usually
given to single-episode specials)
1F07: This was not written "line by line" like the others
1F11: A reference to "The Fugitive"
1F18: This was first used for the 100th new episode
2F16: The "clues" refer to the identity of whoever shot Mr. Burns during
the episode
2F20: The "solution" referring to whoever shot Mr. Burns in 2F16
3F31: ...which is once a year too many for a clip show
4F01: Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
3G01: A reference to "The X-Files"
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