By Robert Shields

I do not have a clue where I should start, what to say, or how to describe life. Living on the Row means fighting for your life on a daily basis. It is an extremely difficult battle with fear, hopelessness, loneliness, despair, confusion, and anger, especially when you know that there is this powerful machine (Texas), working to kill you.

One of the most difficult things in this tribulation, is not to give in to the incredible pressure and stress that you deal with each day. So much of the Row preys on the mind. They break you down bit by bit, taking everything that makes you an unique individual. They make you nothing more than a number. Then, they degrade and demoralize you until anything seems better. I cannot describe accurately what it is like to give up on life.

To keep my sanity, I have to keep a tight grip on the world outside these bars. Some people would have you believe that the Death Penalty is not cruel and unusual punishment, but all you have to do is truthfully ask yourself whether being locked into a 6'x10' cell for years on end, thinking day after day about your own death and how you are going to say goodbye to your loved ones.

That hardcore wall of reality pretty much dictates my attitude now. I doubt I will ever get out of this place. That is not just pessimism. Just look at the statistics on my chance of survival. I hope I am not coming across sounding too negative about my situation because I sincerely do want out of this place. What it boils down to, is that we die their way or our own, that's choice we make. We know what we are up against and there are no provisions for winning. Either we are led to death like cattle to the slaughter, or we can go down fighting, but there is not an option left for living !!

Everybody has dealt with this roller coaster we call life, but I am struggling with it right now. I just do not know anymore !! I sit here on my bunk and try to sort through the thoughts and emotions that run confusingly through my mind. This is not the first time that I have sat helpless in this cell while someone I have talked with, ate with, argued with, and laughed with, was led off to his death.

You would think it gets easier but it does not. You have to learn to adjust to the situation. It is a vital part of surviving and adversity (and especially this one). Adjusting and taking the necessary steps to stay above the emotional strain. I kind of look at myself as a car. Some people are luxury cars, some sports cars, some family cars, and some are work trucks. Myself, I was a race car. Running at redline and I took alot of engine damage. You can take dents and dings and even a fender bender can be fixed, but sooner or later, you take on so much damage that you just do not run right anymore, or cannot run at all. On days like today, I wonder how much more damage I can take before I am totaled out.

I just look at myself and say "Why did you have to get yourself into such a predicament before you got some sense into that thick skull?" I wish I could get the right angle so that I could kick myself HARD !!



How Do You Make It Through The Day ?

Since I began my state-directed appointment with death, 6 years ago, I have been asked that numerous times. It is a very emotional question. Each day I have to relive the events that sent me here, and the pain it has caused all involved. Many thoughts crowd my senses...remorse, anger, frustration, and hopelessness are just a few of the emotions I deal with daily. Confronting the reality of your own pending execution and watching with grief as friends are led off like cattle to their slaughter by the State of Texas, is an ongoing battle just to maintain your sanity.

Each day, as I awake, I have to dig deeper and deeper into myself to rise up and meet Death Row and its dehumanizing processes head-on. In my situation, you have to be ? acrimonicus' You have to say ?Damn it, I am NOT going to let them do this to me !! I am NOT going to become one of the State's statistics. I am going to fight. I will NOT settle for what has yet to happen. I must not grieve my death before my final breath !!' To hold on, not give up, to perservere when the hopelessness and depression are overwhelming, are my frist waking thoughts. I, like all human beings, will die, but for now, my focus shifts back to life. There is not a day that goes by in what's left on my life, that I do not think about what has happened or the pain it has caused. However, I do not believe the State of Texas has the right to take my life Some acts must be recognized as evil in themselves.

We, as a nation, cannot let capital punishment be a collecive act of revenge. It must never be allowed to become a release for collective anger. History teaches us the inherent dange in ?mob psychology'. I am sure most victim's families want, and feel they deserve, both justice and revenge. Can we as a society condone this ? I honestly believe in the idea of justice that America was founded on (not some perverted sense of revenge). Revenge and justice are nowhere near the same !!

I am sure that the victim's families have suffered through this ordeal. They probably have deep-seated feelings of hatred towards me. For me, one of the hardest parts of trial was sitting in the courtroom hearing the victims family weeping. They will, in all likelihood, find out that my death will not bring ?closure' to their grief and pain. I have a sense of their emotions, as I have observed the emotions of the families of my friends who have been executed, and continue to witness the grief and pain my own family and friends suffer through.

Violence begets violence. To kill is plain WRONG, and I am sure that we should all be able to agree on that. It does not matter in what name you kill in, or for what reason -anger addiction, and even injustice. It does not matter what road you take, killing is killing. You end up in the same place. Let's stop this twisted cycle of continuing violence, loss, pain, and grief. Look at what is happening around you, and never say never. Do not think that this could never happen to you or to someone you love.

It must be some kind of sick joke that they let people watch executions, like some kind of freak show to suit their blood lust. These executions/murders are planned out step by step, and are pushed forward over a number of years. If that is not premeditated, what is ? They just can not wait to get you on that table, to watch you gasp for your last breath. Why do they feel this great need to watch Death ? I would not be surprised if they came out with pay-per-view executions in the near future. The Group Screening for Timothy McVeigh's murder was just the first step. Yet we, the inmates, are labeled as ?animals'. I just cannot understand the double standard.

If you have a heart in your chest, a brain in your head, and the capability to be honest with yourself, then you KNOW that this thing that politicians call ?Capital Punishment' is dead wrong !!! How can anyone say there is no hope for a nineteen year old child to become a productive member of society ? I know some truly compassionate people on the Row. People, that if given the chance, could and would, do alot for others, as well as society as a whole.

Capital Punishment is not the answer !! Justice..I think not !!! Has murder ever been the answer for anything ? Every Western democracy, except the U.S.A., has abolished the Death Penalty. It is about time we look at ourselves. Statistics prove that state-sancitoned murder has not, and is not, a deterent to violent crimes. State-sanctioned murder has been disproportionately meted out to the poor, especially the minority poor. I hope that the moral, ethical, and spirtual convictions that most people hold dear, will preclude them from supporting acts of vengeance in the name of Capital Punishment.

In closing, I would personally like to thank all the people who are out there fighting to rid society of this terrible wrong...the Death Penalty.










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