My eyes see, but for the blood-
the knife that was your words has slashed them.
My heart face down in the mud-
the calmness of my soul now mayhem.-
She satisfied me with her cool gray eyes,
her lips wine wet and red.
The curve of her seduction smoothly wound around to the narrowness of her means.
She cooled me with her warm red lips.
The gray eyes changed now by the fires orange glow.
Emotion dissolved by sheerness of intention-
her will and the wind were of the same flight.
It was night and we were blind.
Hungry, blind and deaf.
Deaf to all but the passionate sighs escaping from those wet, red lips.-
Yes, you learn.
From so many good-byes. From the tears that are shed,
sometimes only within.
Crying on your soul with a smile on your face,
ineffable sadness knows no disgrace.
Parting with a handshake or a hug
and always "Yes, I promise I'll write..."
But never for very long and too often not at all because all you can think of is...
I love you... I miss you... It tore my world apart when you left me...
It's just another goodbye, so you cry.
With the shades drawn tight and your lovers favorite song your mask falls away and crumbles.
So many teardrops, so many good-byes.
You've become very cold now. Very cold and so alone.
You pace the floor screaming,
emphatically beseeching!
Staring up toward the ceiling, your tear streaked face pleading,
My God! What have I done you should bestow me such grief!?!
Ineffable sadness often finds no relief.
There is no great revelation-
no angelic emancipation,
life cannot go on- you'll not last the duration.
Of this and this only it is you are sure.
Panacea for grief? There is no such cure!
But it comes,
as it will.
Just another goodbye to endure.-
This is the way the page goes-
blink just once,
you might miss a lifetime.
Spend this moment with hatred and disgust-
let the wagging tongue fly,
chastise the love that you hold in your hand-
death obliges.
Creeps in before you even start wishing your tongue had been tied to your heart rather than an advocate of your whimsical and unjust anger.
Tomorrow go back to be sorry-
watch the red and blue lights as they quicken your pulse.
This is the way the page goes.
Turn it with an eager mind or rip it out and burn it.
It's in your hands.
Pull into the drive-
the paramedics just arrived,
watch them zip the door closed.
Wasted momentary life.
Answer the questions as they wheel her away-
read the note that she's written,
you know what it will say.
This is the way the page goes.
Reach for the answers- let them burn through your soul,
or polish your pride and close the book.
This is the way the page goes.
The page is called life-
cultivation of the soul,
put emotions in check and read on...
perhaps you could learn.
This is the way the page goes.-
Candle light and soft spoken verse,
you in my arms-
no memories rehearsed.
Comfort away from mankind's worst.
Light piano,
mingled senses,
no time piece to be cursed.
Just you, dim lights, soft music and verse.-
Out into the noisy lights.
The gate stands locked behind.
Turning back in disbelief, I grasp the bars-
Pushing and pulling with all my might-
with all my will and hopes and tears,
I scream to Gods I wish could hear-
Let me back inside my fears!
But the lock be tempered steel
and the iron smithed with skill.
Standing, feeling, crying, dreaming-
doubts upon fears,
fears upon doubts-
reality crowding,
senses reeling-
all the heart that is me grieving-
My God! What is this you have done?!?
For answered prayers it is I'm seeing!
What good deed you hoped in freeing-
my tortured soul, so happily bleeding-
who'd believe you'd hear my pleading?
Let me back inside my fears!
Because this light to me is blinding-
what suppose I shall be finding?
What new ax now to be grinding??
What cold rain through blue sky shining
shall I seek to drown the past???
Oh God of Gods, or spirit free,
or hope, or love, or destiny,
or Goddess ruling hearts un-free,
return me to my fears, I beg thee!
let this soul- unhappy free
recall the prayers it prayed in grief,
of solitude be not the thief.
For in the open I shall die-
'twas so warm and safe inside...
and though how wretchedly I cried,
to my soul my mind hath lied-
sorrow unto sorrow tied..
I beg thee, free me from freedom's sight!
And then I leaned upon the gate,
the hinges sang their heavy song as they yielded to the weight-
fancy warmth or dangers fate...
And as a trumpet came the voice-
from clouds unseen, it thundered-
CHOICE!
Pain.
Always extreme.
Ripped out- tearing-
knowledge-
doubt-
frozen love, never thawing.
Hiding.
Sometimes in hate- portended disgust.
Reaching for anger, forsaking trust.
Thrust into darkness, blackness.
Cold, dark, blind reality.
No fear here.
No weak, aching frailty.
No need to see, no need to be.
Blindness, darkness, solitude and pain.
Welcome friends.
Welcome.
Like the laugh she laughs of another,
welcome hate.
Like the sigh she sighs at anyone's touch but mine,
welcome jealousy.
Like the time I kissed her and saw him in her eyes,
welcome pain.
Loved in vain.
Gave it all, or what was left-
yet again.
Welcome pain.
Died one night sadly,
the arms around me cold-
their touch light.
No need to cry, no tears left.
Say goodbye to life,
welcome night.
Welcome safe, secure blackness.
The telephone's ringing once again-
it's for her.
Welcome pain.-
And when she started to speak, it was of walls, it was in a tongue I knew well.
The voice, it was spawned of an unfulfilled heart,
the words I could have quoted before that blissfully ignorant tongue began faltering in the wind.
She questioned the barrier built high and strong.
She knew nothing of the blood and the tears and the pain and the grief with which I mixed the mortar.
Nothing of the long, cold days
and the endless, starless nights spent in the quarry of my soul as I gathered and carried and molded each brick by hand.
Poor, stupid young lass! You speak to me of walls!?!
You dare to think that you are so deserving you could catch a glimpse of the truth that lies are bound to hide?!?
That you might see?
Truly see the fantastic horrors that lay and live in the depths of my soul?
Be gone with your questions!
Let your shadow again not cross my door!
You are but one of a million mindless drones...
you seek and you seek and you profess profound unselfishness as you seek and you gather and you draw unto yourself.
Self.
Such a pitiful word when I see it written on your face!
The same such word I have heard before, though it was dressed in truth,
not commonly shrouded in clever deceit!
Be gone with your loathsome, sorrowful heart and leave me to my walls!
Leave me to my truth!
For you shall not take it on your way!
Be gone I say, and leave me! Quit the search of fulfillment of self!
You've stirred thus far too many memories that I had painfully buried quite deep...
You'll see not a show of emotion here, so quit your perch upon my floor!
You've not the skill nor the cunning to trick me for a peek-
You'll leave my soul undaunted,
my weary heart at rest-
so quit this fruitless, pitiful search and make your way in the rain!
Walk the path of a thousand dead souls, swim in the gulf of a widow's dry tears,
cut your heart deep with the knife offered in love.
Climb to the top of expectation then spread your arms and fly-
fly straight to the ground with a stupid, pasted smile...
crash in a fury of spurting blood and snapping bones-
and there reassemble your tumultuous soul.
And sweat in the Hell of the day that you've made and scream silent cries to the Gods with deaf ears
and wish to be loved and love all that you see and give up your dreams and cry in the night and swear by your God
that you can't take this life!
Then try.
And then you can sit on my wall.
Then peer down at what you have already seen...
Then and there your quest will be nullified.
Then you may speak of my walls.-
Coldness abounds-
created.
The colors of the memory of pain-
on a blazing, pure canvas, now painted.
I stand here aghast-
the brush still in my hand-
dripping wet and red.
Where there was peace I spewed anger,
purest love, now tainted.
And I stare at the scene which is mine-
and I wish gone the colors,
erratic brush strokes of time.
But they remain as they may-
I've created the day.
Perhaps if I let it dry a while . . .
Then covered the red with a hazy, blue smile . . .
Stroked over gray strife with some bright yellow life . . .
Then perhaps I could change it.
Perhaps.-
Take what you think you need, but think twice...
run fast as the wind, but remember the trees...
coldness breaks while warmth leaves so much left to lend.
Be hot.
Take from the goodness of my heart the will, the right.
Take from the observation of my deeds the path to the things that are good.
Take my love.
I've an infinite supply.
Drink from my well of the water of life... When you think it is dry, drink again...
Leave me with your burden-
I'm easy under a heavy load...
Leave me with your hatred,
I'll pour it in a soup called love.
Leave me with your doubt, I'll banish it from life that it may never come to you again.
Leave me with your fear...
I'll kill it fast and bury it deep...
And it shall never again whisper its foul wind upon your heart.
There is, however, a price...
I'll ask that you kiss for me, the cheek of those who betray you...
That you hold the hand of your enemy's heart-
that you give all that you've taken...
then give more.
Doubtless, you and I shall meet again-
for you and I are Love,
And as the sun finds its way to your eyes of the morning,
love finds its way to love.-
What pain I would endure for just one soft kiss this night,
fearless peril of body and soul-
for your lips I would welcome that plight.
So breath my name across cool, cotton sheets,
and sleep, my love-
just sleep.-
the final line,
the final script,
the final pain
I'll sing to you-
I'll sing it from the crypt.
perpetual pain-
the ultimate gain,
the door closed tight.
no hearing,
no sight.
vacant memories of tribunal rites.
the day when I became yours in the night.
abysmal blue eyes long since gone blind.
no sight.
no lover's refrain,
no political restraint.
nothing but the mild memory of pain,
of fame-
of the poor, lame, half brain, dying flame-
burning for nothing,
save the ashes she became.
just finality,
no complaints.-
As red as the lips that were hers,
was the stillness of the sea upon which I sailed.
As it waited to react as I prayed catch the wind,
so she languished as she sought me but found me not.
And she was thinking "No roses grow on a Sailor's grave" as she tossed her flowers at the waves.
And it sent a great current through my soul though a hundred leagues away I be.
It was she.
And her tears cast a storm upon me and my ship, it pitched and it yawed,
and I saw the mast snap as I longed for the end-
though the end would not come as she continued to rain.
And the sea, it was a wild, unmerciful foe-
as a lover betrayed in the night.
My vessel, she wearied against the strain as my being could bear no more,
yet I clung to the wheel as she rained and she rained
and the wake of her grief nearly took me asunder.
And as the sun shared it's life I felt that she slept,
the sea it had calmed- it was of she, I knew.
And as she slept the dampness of her relentless tears was as a fog no living man may have seen.
And I sailed straight away into it with only my bowsprit to guide me.
I sailed one mast shy through the melancholy sea as she wailed in a gulf of would be widows tears.
I drifted as I waited for the light and I slept.
I awoke as the bow splintered past the reef and came to rest on a familiar shoal.
The wind, it was light and the sun was as kind as I made my way up to the sand.
I laid there still half in the surf as my mind and my soul thanked the Gods.
And as the world dimmed I saw flowers float by-
I thought then I heard a jubilant cry,
"A great dream only" said I.
And in my dream it was soft, cool and damp and it soothed my every need.
I feared that I should open my eyes and again be with the sea.
And the rose petals of her cheek, they were soft against mine.
So I dreamed.
It came that I heard the whisper of her voice-
sweet was the sigh from her lips.
And I opened my eyes, though fearful of light-
it was she that filled my sight.
I closed my eyes to go back to the sea for surely the Gods had made jest of me-
I dared one more peek,
'twas my only dear love and with her smile she implored,
for I had crashed upon her shore.
And the sea had no more draw for me than the lamb unto the wolf.
And I lived in the love that her arms did entreat,
and I sailed nevermore.-
Painfully silent dreams,
unspoken.
The death of a love of a heart,
re-broken.
The carefully nurtured, so nearly healed wound,
ripped open.
Ah, but it was my hand which helped you guide the knife,
my wanting lips found yours in the night.
My sordid desire akin only to yours.
My impetuous injustice, your arduous plight.
Parting, again now we'll suffer,
each only alone to endure-
our reach quite exceeded by our grasp,
the pendulous enticement of our imprudent lure.-
If not the Grape, then what? Or whom? Or where?
Numbness... solace...
Solace... numbness...
Surly the difference no man can tell!
I find solace in my lover's arms.
Induced therein is a numbness of near total contentment.
Though how I fear the imprisonment of those arms!
Ah! But the Grape!
Where numbness comes before solace
and solace comes before numbness.
Imprisonment here is a sure bet indeed!
Yet easily cast aside when I've no longer the need.-
Leave me wandering through the fields,
I'll find my own way home.
Leave me without words or phrases remembered.
Leave me with only the earth and the sky.
Offer no apology, nor condolence of my plight-
I'll not need that where I'm going.
Keep your society wrapped tightly in your schemes,
beg for the truth while you disregard dreams-
realize misfortune, pretend it's not what it seems.
Rebuke the wisdom handed you-
be blind to the colors of the fabric,
with your narrow, earth vision inspect only the seam.
Leave me alone in my field.
Let me dream.-
Let's drive down to Mexico.
I'll buy an old convertible.
We'll drink Tequila in the bars all day and make love on the beach all night.
We'll rent a one room villa just a hundred feet from the surf.
We'll dine on peyote buds and tea, speak Spanish and laugh at the sea.
We'll bribe all the policemen with American cigarettes and wine.
We'll hire a Mexican driver and ride around all night.
And when the pretty Senoritas get a little too friendly, we'll fight.
But only for a little while...
I'll make it up to you on the beach
at least a million times.-
In my garden, forest sepulcher my sleep will be complete.
No noise to block the sounds,
no shapeless colors to dazzle my eyes.
A simple stone or saying or cross to mark-
and a gentle rain would be quite fine,
perhaps some shade from the summer heat.
I'll welcome the footsteps of those who remember,
I'll keep, all the sorrow that they may leave light of heart.
If you wish to bring a flower, it is rose petals I prefer.
It should have been that way with life!
The bud always caught my eye as the thorns escaped my sight.
So fill your basket with petals,
the neighbor's garden bower will do...
Yes, please do come see me,
come soothe my soul with your words.
Come sit under the tree,
touch the ground where I sleep.
Do not be afraid,
there is no danger here.
My garden, forest, floral, beauty,
damp with rain-
such pleasurable pain.
No ghosts, no gate,
no saint lays in wait.
Just the softness of the rain and your footsteps.-
An easy smile that comforts me when life demands too much.
Soft brown eyes that cry for me,
trembling lips I would give the world to touch.
Softer still, is the virtuous heart that knows naught,
save, just how to love.
And it is this she says I've taught her!
My poor, unenlightened, fluttering dove...
Sweet, young, innocent Heaven,
'seems she never may have known-
'tis I who am but a simple servant
of the Love that is her throne.-
Souls, languidly rolling into being.
The search begins.
Just married- just fell in love- just found your wife in a naked embrace with her best friend's husband.
It was not ever really love.
It could have been,
but we were too drunk or too stoned or too black or too white or too frightened of life to find out.
It passed.
Her mother will take care of the baby.
Her father does not need her now.
He has a new family.
Does not care that she needs.
Mother watches,
child bleeds.
Life runs out of her swiftly.
Faster even than the would be father ran away.
She stays.
Looks for reasons.
New reasons to die-
no life left to live-
no promises kept-
no dreams worth remembering-
no relief in sight...
She has only the Night.
The blackness she crawls into,
constellations that smile.
No tears here to weep.
No blood red river of dead living lies.
She hides.
Here she is at peace.
Here her father loves her, comforts her.
Here her mother, more than just a sitter, teaches her.
Here her lover, without desire, touches her.
At light speed she comes back home...
Everything too clear...
reality-
voices-
feelings-
pain...
too near.
Father out of sight.
Mother only dries her eyes.
Lover looks for brighter skies.
Perhaps there are new reasons to die...
Black clouds keep passing...
It's only the night.-
Enter a thought that reveals perception.
Enter submission that knows no rejection.
Enter a heart that knows not but love.
As a Dove reproduces not but a Dove,
such is the way with love.
Enter.
Enter though you have lost your sense of direction,
I'll offer my hand when your heart needs protection.
Enter.
Enter, my love, enter now.
Before the sun passes over and turns us both older.
We may never grow bolder-
just lonely,
and colder.-
Her lips brushed my cheek,
her hand was on my thigh.
I thought I saw love, future, passion, ecstasy, involvement.
My hand brushed her cheek,
my lips were on her thigh.
I saw through her eyes,
her bright blue skies,
dead living truths.
Living only to die,
for her eyes.
Liquid lakes of passion, lucid pools of love.
Non-swimmers dive the deepest-
die the quickest.
Didn't see the rocks,
didn't die quietly.
He thought he was made of stone-
could walk through walls.
Walls of rock gave way easily,
the walls of water, the eyes that bled cool, blue Niagara proved fateful.
The shimmering, painfully pleasant ecstacy left him dreaming,
glowing,
did not know he was dying-
dreaming of touching those lips once more.-
I saw you through the rain and the window
just as I knew you saw me.
I hoped and I dreamed and I longed for the day of a Love that never would be.
Yet still, I saw, as I watched through the rain-
a heart so sadly broken, to heal would be pain.
I clenched tight my hand though I grasped naught but air.
So close was I to the window,
but far from such love and such beauty so fair.
As my tears and the rain are the same, I'll turn my back now and go-
to a shack in the mountains,
perhaps a ship on the sea-
some desolate, lonely, dreadful place
where I'll see not you face,
nor feel the love that tries to escape me.-
Once while I was walking in a fresh, mid-summer rain
I started thinking about these questions whirling around inside my brain.
Questions like 'why?'
Why must we fight 'til the weaker one dies...
Why can we not reveal ourselves, but tell each other endless lies...
Why must we live beneath the truth and hide behind a false disguise...
Nothing I did would stop the rain-
no doubt, my efforts would be in vain!
So I made my heart smile beyond the pain-
and enjoyed the beauty of a soft summer rain.-
Two lovers walking hand in hand through the park,
whether it be dawn, full noon or dark.
Their senses entwined for love sweeter than wine
has captured their hearts as they stroll through the park.
Unaware of sunshine or rain,
unable to stop-
no thought of refrain,
they stroll through the pathways of love's golden heart,
reflectively rejoicing in their love strewn park.-
She wanted so much yet offered so little...
She yearned for the Moon yet reached for the stars...
She closed her eyes to the truth-
She searched for my tongue and found only words...
She was misplaced. Without a TRACE...
She didn't know I was looking toward the Sun...
She was blind to all but her needs,
her pitiful desires,
her morosely selfish lechery.
A player of that coy, little sexual game called CHASE.
Armed for the battle with nothing.
Nothing but overestimated wit,
underdeveloped skills
and sight filled with self fulfillment.
The wickedness of her beggar-my-neighbor heart came flashing through her eyes.
She showed me the truth of her blackened soul when she saw the repugnance in my face.
She was misplaced.
A Gargoyle in the dining room,
an evening dress on the beach,
a clown without a painted face.
She was misplaced-
without a TRACE.-
I thought I saw a glimmer of light,
obscured as it was by the dark and lingering shadow of your hidden agenda.
I found myself searching for honest smiles,
trying to see the words behind your eyes.
Only a passing glimmer of light.-
Alone. Sweet, honestly and rightly alone. Still, alone.
No one to call, no answering machine light blinking.
Just the blues and me and a glass of yesterdays wine.
The last taste as bitter as the bile of the passing nights wrongs.
The thoughts seemed so true, the action so right at the time.
But time was a friend of the Devil himself and he played me like the thirteen strings of a lute.
Just the blues.
Just the blues and another taste of that wine.
This one as sweet as the cherished, soft kiss that my cheek once knew in the day.
In the brightness of the Sun when I was in love.
No wrong crossed my path and my actions were true with no second thought.
No bitter, waking, blinding realization that the day knew where the night had been.
Just sweet memories of the lipstick that I refused to wipe off.
Just the blues.
Just the sweet, sweet blues.
All the old pain stored away, I'll bring it out and share it with my wine.
Only for a little while, not to dwell in regret, not to turn past deeds into unforgivable sin.
A reach behind. Blindly into the dark, dark depths of the past.
A fruitless grasp forward to pull the uncertain future here now.
That's the blues.
Just the blues.
Let the guilt of the past and the fear of the future rest.
The past is quite dead and the future unborn. Let it be.
It's the blues.
Just the damn, tear stained, crying, laughing, hurting, smiling,
Sun stroked and Moon struck blues.
Just the blues.-
